- Every night at the club should be quarter drink night!
- Being late for quarter drinks should be strictly forbidden! (Note: This is also very retarded, why would you show up after quarter drinks, I mean are you a moron!?)
- Spilling alcohol should be a SIN! And is punishable by a royal ASS Kicking! (Note: This punishment can be avoided if alcohol is swiftly sucked up with a straw, or even licked up!)
- It should be mandatory that all dance floors provide enough room so that they can actually be danced on!
- DJ's that play shitty ass music should be forced to dj at the Whiskey River and be banned from South Beach.
- People sitting in front of the bar on quarter drink night, where a drunken clubber cannot reach the bartender should be illegal.
- Traffic jams should be outlawed when Drunken Clubbers are in a hurry to get to the club.
- Drunk Drivers should have their own lane on the highway. (Note: The lanes would be wider and be enclosed in cushioned walls. Many lives could be saved!)
- It should be illegal to leave a glass of Minute Maid Lemonade unfinished.
- Anyone bitten by a zombie should have to turn into a zombie themselves within at least 5 minutes, any longer than that and you will be removed of your turning-into-a-zombie privledges!
- If you go to see a movie and a really loud buzzing "vibrator-type" sound comes out of the speakers the whole time, you should get your money back! (Note: This does not count if you are watching an X-rated movie in which case there better be some damn buzzing!!!)
- Also, if you go to see a movie called "They" and it sucks ass, you should also get your money back! (Note: If the speakers are buzzing during a crap ass movie like "They" then some serious ass whooping is in order!)
- There should be no pregnant waitresses at Hooters. It kind of defeats the whole purpose, ya know.
- Never leave the club on Quarter Drink Night to make a phone call to your ex-wife!
- Do not dance with a girl if your back is turned towards her. She will steal your wallet!
- The firing of a bartender, while a Drunken Clubber is ordering a liquid cocaine is strictly prohibited and should be punishable by Death!!!
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