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Written By : Louai
"Chronic"
The story happened to me in the year 1999 and it's based on a true story!
Did I taste real love? Did I live in a flourish love story? What Just
Happened? Was I wrong?
more questions wonder through my mind. As for me, I don't have the answers
to them. All I'm asking is to read my story, and maybe you'll know these
answers.
It all started one night, three years ago. I was still in my High-school
years and the Internet was something new in my country. I heard about this
new chatting program called Microsoft Chat and it was the coolest thing back
then. A place for teenagers to hang out, meet people from the opposite sex
freely with no concerns of being caught by the folks. It was so tempting, I
downloaded it as soon as possible. like any other kid in my age I entered
this chat for fun. Love and friends from the countries abroad. I started my
own gang there of girls I know. I had some flings now and then , you know
the usual net-love, and so on. months later after I was familiar with it I
started chatting with people from my own country when I realized that
friends near you are better. I started as that cool kid in chat in the room
"Jeddah" and making jokes and having fun with every one. Every thing was
going so perfect, An internet connection, cool gang, telephone line in my
room and a mobile. You can call them "High-school Dream Life" and I got it.
In the night am talking about I met this girl "Julita" which I liked from
the beginning. We chatted and I really enjoyed talking to her. After I
logged off, I went to sleep. The other day when I logged in, I made a room
similar to that I was in the day before. A tiny part of me wanted that girl
to show up, and she did. We were the perfect friends. But something is wrong
in this friendship, Honesty wasn't there. When she asked me for my ASL, I
lied about it. I was 17 Then, I told I was 20 and I study at some
high-school in London. I mean, It was any ordinary friendship which I knew
it won't last and I was living by a concept "DON'T GIVE OUT YOUR REAL
INFORMATION TO A CHAT BUDDY". Every thing went fine. Back then I was trying
to make normal love-free friendship with the opposite sex to convince my
self that it is possible for a guy and a girl to be good friends and that's
it. We were fit for each other, I liked the same things she does and we
shared a lot of point incoming and I thought that this friendship is for us
to live forever. We both had the same concept to live by, which is love-free
friendship. She told me that she knew this guy who treated her like dirt and
stuff. So I acted like the good friend I am and I was her talking buddy and
the shoulder to lean on. After that , When summer vacation was about to end,
I realized that this friendship should be more than chatting on the
internet. Why not mobiles? I told her what I thought what should happen to
our friendship and that we should move on to the next level. A part of me
loved her and I can't deny it. She was smart, funny and easy to talk to. I
said to my self that if this girl was uglier than my Grandmother I would
still love her 'cause I'm in love with HER not her BODY. That's what I liked
about the Net, it gives you the chance to know the person more deep rather
than judging him from his appearance. When I told her about the mobile thing
she refused and I respected that. Since we're in an up-tight country that
doesn't allow such things to happen. So, I forgot all about the mobile and I
told her that I will fly to London after a couple of weeks "schools were on
the door and I had to make up an excuse for not showing for a while on the
internet".
My first semester of my last year in high school ended. I went On-line
again in the between-terms vacation which you may call spring vacation. I
really missed talking to her and I told her what I felt about her. How much
I like her and she's closer than any friend I know. And she told me that she
felt the same about me. How happy was I when I read these letters on my
screen. Our friendship became stronger and we started to share things about
us. Like happy things and bad or good memories. We were going with the flow.
In the middle of the spring vacation she brought up the mobile story. It was
so good to be true. I took her number and I called. To tell you the truth, I
fell in love with her by the time I called her but I didn't want to show it
'cause I can't stand one side love and maybe she doesn't love me and maybe I
am her best friend and that's it. She said that the reason she gave me the
number is that she needed some one to talk to and she wanted me to be that
some one but I wasn't there and I should agree that the phone call must be
love-free. I agreed, of course. The calls continued and she liked me more
since she got to know me better and so did I. We got close, since now am
24/7 available if she needs me when ever she's blue or needs a laugh or
simply bored. The things between her and her boyfriend got real bad and she
broke up with him and I was the one who had his shoulder ready for her
tears. Of course I didn't tell her the truth about me just yet. So I made up
a story that I'm calling through the Internet and my cousin "who's actually
me with a different voice tone" connects us together like some kind of an
operator. It's a complex story and the goal of it is to make my so called
cousin tell her what I like about women "giving her what I want to hear in a
twisted way if you understand what I mean" and I admit I felt guilty for
what I'm doing to such a beautiful creature. But some how I got the guts to
go on. On the End of my last semester, she was giving me hints that she
liked me and I played dumb.
23rd November, She told me that she was in love with some one. I was
crushed like a bug. I acted like I was happy for her and I WASN'T. I asked
her who's the lucky guy? she said the three words that drove me down the
path of destiny with a big grin. She said "IT is you". I got shocked and for
a minute there my heart stopped and I got dizzy. This minute seemed to me
like a life time and I felt the most beautiful feeling any one can dream of.
I told her back that I loved her and I hanged up. She called again and the
sound of her happy heart can reach my heart all the way. So November may be
a normal month for any of you but it was the beginning of a happy life for
me "I THINK". One month later we discussed the matter that I should see her.
We both arranged every thing, where to meet and stuff. I brought her her
first gift. She told me previously that she liked EMINEM and wanted his
cassette un-cut "In my country they only sell the clean version" so I looked
around and asked some people and FINALLY I got it.
23rd December, I went to our location. She told me what she would be
wearing and I told her what I will wear. Of course my bad luck had to knock
on my door. That day all the girls that pass me by wear the same out fit.
Any way, I waited in the location with my friend "just in case I get
dumped". After a while an angel looks through the shop's window right at me.
I was confused if that's her or just any other girl. I looked again and she
pointed at me and gave me that sign "COME NOW". I couldn't believe what I
saw, an angel from heaven. She told me that she looked ugly. All my eyes can
see is true beauty! I came closer to her and we talked. She had the most
beautiful voice you can imagine. We went for a table for three "her sister
was there too". We talked and she brought me a gift too. We talked about
stuff. She was about 175cm and I was 183cm so she was making jokes about me
being huge "of course 183cm is considered real TALL in my country" and then
I told her lets measure the sizes of our hands "we had nothing to talk about
since both of us are shy" and when she touched me, I felt like something is
going through me and there was this sparkle between our eyes. The date ended
soon since it rained a lot in that day.
Days passed by. Days became months and we completed our first year
together. What a year! every date and every phone call was getting better
and better and life seemed like heaven on earth. She introduced me to her
friends and I really enjoyed every single moment. It was real love, I told
my self! but something hit me like a struck of thunder, She talked about
getting engaged, but she doesn't know the real me. I mean she knows 90% and
the rest is in my stupidest lie ever "the age". I talked to my self and told
my self that if wanted us to go better I must tell her this. After I got the
guts for it I sent her the email telling her what she doesn't know about me
and at the end of the email I asked this question : "...after all what I
have told you, if you still want me or if you hate please tell me or send me
a message telling me that every thing is over but if you love me and forgive
me please say that you accept me as a lover and a future husband" and she
answered YES! she wanted me!
After that, every thing was perfect. I had a girl who loves me and I love
her! I got what I wanted, true love that could last forever. She was my soul
mate and we were the cutest most fitting couple you can see. We don't argue
a bit and if we do then the arguments are about stuff like me forgetting
calling her and stuff. Nothing important and we make up easily and a thought
makes us complete, all of our arguments are because we are not together all
the time and if we are then they will disappear and really they do. I mean I
was studying in another city and the distance makes us bothered but we go on
hand in hand. My second year with her went perfectly. The third year is what
this story is about.
The marriage talk between us got bigger. We planned our kids' names and
how to live and what is my future job. The usual couples talk. And then she
brought up that I should ask her hand from her parents and that our relation
ship must end like this. I agreed that it must end like this BUT I told her
that I'm still studying and it's a bit early and that we should wait a
couple of years more so that I can stand still on my feet and have a job
then we do what we want. She disagreed with me telling me that she's getting
older and she's afraid her parents will marry her to another guy. I told her
to refuse any proposal until I can propose but she kept telling me what to
do and trying to convince me. After a couple of months I agreed and we got
engaged! Now life tasted better knowing that she's there waiting for me and
my life has chosen a path.
After the summer brake of 2002, the summer of happiness as we said, I
came back to my university so that I continue my studies. This term was the
most important term for both of us. I mean, It's my last term as an "Oreya"
and am becoming a freshman. And she's handing her work at the institute
she's in and it's going to be graded in London. So you can see the tension
rising here. Any way, The arguments between us got a bit heavier but on the
same level. How? the arguments have simple nonsense meanings but they are
happening much often due to the pressure. But she didn't act like the way I
knew her. I mean, I've handled a really big pressure for the past three
years. Having a steady relationship and making a life commitment to a person
in a really EARLY age. Which ensures me that am not afraid of commitment. A
girl always claims she doesn't want to make a steady relationship with a guy
'cause he's afraid of commitment. Well, am not!!. Any way, back to my story.
The girl started to say strange stuff and revive old problems and stuff. I
mean, what the heck does a girl mean when she says that the reason to our
problems is the difference in age? I mean, what the hell is going on her
head? it's like we didn't argue in the first place about this fact? I mean I
was crushed like a bug when I heard those damn words. And when I ask her,
why did she agree on going on with me in the first place?? and what did she
answer me? she said she would give this experience a try! MY LIFE IS NOT A
LABORATORY RAT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! AM NOT A TOY! MY LIFE IS NOT A TOY! MY
RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO MISTREAT? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? can
it be true? I've been played with for three whole years? and now I think I
deserve it 'cause of my lies.
When I heard those words I couldn't believe that this is true. I mean,
any person with a tiny piece of good sense won't believe this. I tried to
tell her that I'm annoyed of what she said earlier, and rather than caring
for my f#@!#ing feelings what does she say? that that's the truth. What the
hell? And when I tell her that I need the word I love you she says that I
don't love her and am selfish and I just want to be loved with out loving
back! AFTER ALL WHAT I'VE WASTED OF MY LIFE AND MY YOUTH FOR THIS COMMITMENT
AND NOW AM NOT LOVING? things are getting really worse. Problems from the
past are reviving. Correct me if I'm wrong, what does love mean? isn't love
about forgiving??? for three whole years I forgave her for stuff any guy
would kill his girl friend for and gave her her freedom more than she needed
and I still forgive 'cause there's something in me loving that person. But
what does she get angry about?? me not calling in time "even when I say
sorry which is a word I don't say to any one or even if am sick" or me not
being in the mood sometimes "I'm in a grave yard back in the uni. and you
want me to be happy?? you should try your best not me". And when she gets
angry or mad or what ever does she come back to me? NO! she relaxes with her
girlfriends more! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THEN?? WHAT'S MY USE?
ONLY LOVE AND KISSING?? NO! that's not the relationship I am looking for. I
thought my way of treating her was the best way. What she wants she gets,
WHAT EVER SHE WANTS! I mean now this is a question I ask to every guy out
there : When a girl tells you that she's going out with her girlfriends and
their boy cousins and so on and she doesn't want you to get angry or feel
jealous and you must trust her? as for me I could live with that but I can't
see her a lot and I need to see her more ALONE! she says that this is the
only way, but now we're engaged we should go out with out fearing of being
caught since both of our folks know this! but no when I tell her that am a
bit annoyed she gets angry and stuff! so what am I supposed to do? if
something's troubles you then you must tell it to your soul mate, right?
with this girl, watch your mouth and no mistakes allowed and don't say
anything that could upset her. Three years, Three years she's the one
getting it all and am the one sacrificing my life for someone who doesn't
say "I love you" more than one time in every three calls. In our last calls
I started begging her for the word I love you but NO. She says that I'm the
mistaker and I should repair my self. I accepted that and I changed my self
in a major way. I became a better man for any girl. But when I tell her to
change a little something in her, she fires up and says live with me as I am
or leave me. Am the one who gave her too much freedom and convinced her that
am the one who's mistaking so that she doesn't get angry from her self and
instead she gets upset from me "like when you have something troubled you
you blame another guy..am the blamed in this situation and she got used to
it" it's my mistake. MY OWN DAMN MISTAKES!
I was ran over by feelings. sorry!
I got the break up news from her friends by phone. I told my story to
every one I know with some extra facts I can't say it over here! and I told
her mum every thing but I didn't tell her any thing about the boys. I am mad
at every thing but whatever she does she's still the one love I loved among
all the others I know! I didn't hear from her since the break up. I tried to
call her to arrange the break up and the stuff I have that belongs to her
and how to deal with it but she kept hanging up on me and shutting off the
phone! My mum begged her for us to go back together, she asked her pleading
to see me but she kept saying no like my mothers dignity doesn't mean to her
anything! I mean for crying out loud say no instead of I don't know. I hate
her! I hate.. I can't convince my self to live my life with out her! what am
I supposed to do? who's the mistaker in this relationship?? how can a
three-year love story end up like this? she hates me totally! and that's all
because she doesn't forget and doesn't forgive and as time passes by a black
spot is marked and by the time we suffer her heart is already black as
night! maybe she saw a guy in her age with my qualities! am trying to
convince my self that she loved me but the fact remains still "she lived a
crush and I was the victim" so to all the victims of crushes and one sided
love make a way am coming!
Please read my story again and again and try to tell me what the hell
just happened! so I say again :
"..Did I taste real love? Did I live in a flourish love story? What Just
Happened? Was I wrong?
more questions wonder through my mind.."
Chronic,
[email protected]
