Reasons? The house was a big one. The costs involved being more than expected. Like all things we share responsibility for that, and Karla resents my not knowing more, or doing more. The others my not talking enough to her friends. I will give her that one. For the longest time I have tried to think of a way to begin a conversation with her ex, who is now her friend. But when I see him, she is there, and they are talking. I have made my comments during those times, but not many and not much. It's hard. The kids had started asking about it, so it was something I thought about more and more, but how to start? I had no idea.
I want to call him tonight and talk to him. Just to show that I can. But she said she is done with dating me, so what's the point? Going to have to think more.
It's so sad. Our lives were so tied together. Not just our love for eachother, and the comfort we gave eachother, and the way we were two sides of the same coin most of the time, but the way the kids were becoming. Mine and hers. Such a family. It was perfect.
Oh, the other reason. My insecurity. Been left before by a woman I loved, and then the thing with K back when we first dated where she broke up with me because she got scared, made me fear it happening again. I was sllooooowllly getting over that. Too slowly for me, too slowly for Karla too obviously.
I could say I was right to be insecure, but that is a lie. The insecurity caused her to break up with me. It wasn't her finding a new man, or boredom, or anything like that. In fact, I am certain she remains in love with me. She just doesn't want to deal with me waiting for the end, when it wasn't going to come.
And, yes, I know that this has happened before and we got back together. But last time it was really hard.
What do I want? I want to work it out. I believe the house is worthwhile and can be made into something beautiful. I believe that I can talk to her ex, and others . . . now that I know it is so big an issue. I believe I can avoid being insecure, knowing again how much it bothers her.
But it doesn't matter what I want, does it? Or what I believe.
Sometimes, Life Sucks.
Chris
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