I walked along the streets wrapping myself with my arms. The wind was blowing to my face. It was only September, but the wind, or should I say the breeze, was slapping my face.
Finally I was home. I stood in the doorway and hesitated for a minute. I had not figure out what I should tell Valerie. She was six. She should have a vague concept of what death is, but how should I put the words together to minimize her pain of losing her Daddy? I searched my handbag for the keys, suddenly the door threw open.
"You're home." My sister, Melanie was standing on the doorway, with the same concern look on her face as the one I've seen when I flunked my exams in junior high.
Melanie was three years older than I am. She was always the good one, the one with the long straight shinny hair and always a broad smile on her face that can melt the adult's hearts, the one who loves to take care of younger kids and has a thing for any kind of cute animals like rabbits and kitties. I was the weirdo, the quiet little girl in the corner who is always lost in her thoughts, the one who is subtly cynical, silently hating everything and everyone around her, quietly thinking that the world owes her everything.
I looked at Melanie's worried face, and suddenly a kind of hatred aroused in me, she is like the woman in coma, she is everything that I am not. I immediately shook the thought off my mind, how could I hate my caring big sister?
I looked down to my feet and said, "Yea, I am home, all by myself."
"Oh Ashley, come in, don't stay in the wind." Melanie put her hands on my shoulders and led me into the house, "I called Mom up and she'll be coming tomorrow. We will be staying here with you 'til everything is settled. Just count on us, Ashley, everything will be okay."
I couldn't hear a word Mel has said, "how's Valerie?"
"She's still asleep," Mel led me to the living room, "come on, sit down, you must be tired."
I collapsed on the sofa. It seemed to me that all my energy was drained. I could not even think properly, my thoughts turned into fragments of Mike's dead face, the ward in which that woman laid, Valerie's angelic face when she's asleep, Mel's worried look, the female surgeon's relieved smile. I heard voices echoing in my ears but I could not make out the words. I stared at nothing.
Mel sat besides me and we were quiet. I had no idea of how long the silence lasted until I blurted out, "I saw her."
"Who?"
"That woman."
"You mean...that girl in Mike's car three weeks ago?"
"Yea"
"So she's with Mike when the accident happened?"
"Right."
"Is she okay?"
I looked up at Mel immediately. Is she okay? What a strange question to ask. How could Mel say this with the same concern look? Would she ever hate somebody? She couldn't care more about anyone and anything, could she?
"She's in coma" I tried hard to answer in the calmest way I can.
"Have you...I mean, Ashley," Mel leaned towards me and asked in the softest voice, "have you ever thought that Mike was not having an affair? I mean, that woman in coma, was not Mike's girlfriend indeed?"
"How could you say that? Are you implying that I shouldn't trust my own eyes?" I stood up and looked down on Mel with eyes wide open. I could no longer suppress my anger; I had to find it an outlet. I was not sure the rage I had in me was because of Mel's stupid question or the long-repressed anger about Mike's betrayal.
"No please don't be mad, Ashley. I'm just saying, true, you have seen Mike with the girl in the car three weeks ago, but what else do you know besides this, you didn't even find out who she is, what does she do, where does she live. I mean, maybe she's not cuddling with Mike when you saw her, sometimes, your eyes see what you want to see." Mel looked uncomfortable with her little sister standing up in an outrage, she tried to sound as gentle as possible.
"Then you mean I actually want to see Mike being unfaithful?" I couldn't help shouting at Mel. I could picture how I looked right now, I must look like a pissed-off bitch.
"No I mean, when you see a girl with Mike, you naturally perceive the whole situation as an episode of an affair. You never find out what has actually happened, you didn't ask Mike about the whole thing and played the silenced wife card right away. You victimized yourself without knowing the truth!" Mel was getting agitated as well. I turned my head away from her and saw Valerie's room. She was asleep and it was not the best moment to yell at each other.
"Let's just leave the whole thing for now, shall we?" I sat back down on the sofa and my limbs seem to have paralyzed. My head suddenly ached like it's gonna explode.
"Ashley, sorry, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be bombarding you with all these."
"No it's just me being unreasonable. Please, Mel, I need to be alone."
"I'll go and check on Valerie then." Mel had her worried look on again, with a touch of regret and uneasiness.
"Yea thanks." I squeezed a smile to her.
I watched Mel went into Valerie's room and gently closed the door behind her. I couldn't shake her words away from my mind. A kind of fear was quietly rising deep inside my heart. A fear that told me, perhaps Mel was right. Perhaps Mike did not have an affair.
Perhaps, I was wrong.