Maintaining a diary is really tiring esp for me. Very often when days which are filled with events and lotsa emotions were involved, i wouldnt have the strength to write it down. Because very often i dont wish to relive the events once again or going thru the emotions again. But if it was a very joyous occasion or emotions, i would have the strength and the feeling to note it down.
Hmm...my diary seems more to be an outlet where i can express things which i am feeling deep within, mostly are feelings and thoughts, and mostly depressing entries. Well, i have my fair share of fun and laughter, love joy and peace just that i always have someone to share it with, but very often not the depressing parts. I think it is because normally when i am with someone or in groups, i tend to not think too much so i am always the notty person who always talk non-sense. When i am all alone, i tend to brood alot, think alot and often became upset too.

I am someone who cant and dont warms up to anyone, even some friends. I need time to warm myself up to even speak with the person. And the contradicting part is that i love to know people, and very open to making friends yet i always draw back....maybe its bcos i am afraid of being too intimate with someone. And i dont want or allow myself to let others have hope in me neither do i want to have hope in others bcos the more i hope, the more disappointed i will be. So i guess i may have lots of comments like i am very dao or that i think that i am very pretty or that i am unfriendly etc.... i also almost feel this is what others will say about me...not that i have heard any of it. Frankly speaking, if i can remember, i think so far there is none...so why do i think others will think about me that way??? hmm.....

I have sort of declared i am a christian not bcos i want to convert anyone but bcos this is not something i am ashame of and this is to let others know that a christian is also a human and we goes thru the same things as everyone....bcos there are lots of people saying, "wow christian can like that meh..." its actually a bit of struggle to live up to the christian's standard which everyone had of us. Christianity to others is a religion but to us it is a relationship with God. I live like all of you, not any better, i go thru life's high and low point, and even more when i am struggling to be a good christian.

Some friends just insist to be a passing phrase in my life, i may be sad abt it but i think i need to let go. i just cant keep trying all the time to have a good deeper converation with someone who maybe doesnt even wants to talk to me. Sigh sms a few very old friends and didnt get any fu yan msg back....well, i guess i am abit "heart gray one cold".

so many things.....that i have shared which is pretty close to my heart.....i feel more....at peace.....(",)