Little things that Piss people OFF
AND
MORE!!!
1.
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".
2.
Drum on every available surface.
3.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
4.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
6.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy
warnings.
7.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
8.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
9.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
10.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
11.
Set alarms for random times.
12.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
13.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor
off.
14.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
15.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
16.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with
the volume properly adjusted.
17.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.
18.
Honk and wave to strangers.
19.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
20.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
21.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.
22.
Wear your pants backwards.
23.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complementary mints by the cash register.
24.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
25.
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's
"Metal Machine Music".
26.
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape
mode.
27.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any
punctuation either
28.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.
29.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
30.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
31.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
32.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's roadmaps.
33.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
34.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you
hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone
now."
35.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
36.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their
parsley.
37.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
38.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
39.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
40.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
41.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.
42.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
43.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
44.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
45.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
46.
Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.
47.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
48.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
49.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it
up", and repeat.
50.
Drive half a block.
51.
Name your dog "Dog".
52.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
53.
Ask people what gender they are.
54.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."
55.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.
56.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern
Drawl.
57.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but tell the listener it was
a "real hoot".
58.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious
that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one
comes".
59.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a can of Lysol.
60.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies'
"Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
61.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.
62.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
63.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
64.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
65.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being
first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand
that people pronounce each A.
66.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to
see if they slow down.
67.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
68.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
69.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
70.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
71.
Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster
speed is necessary because of your "superior mental
processing".
72.
Sing along at the opera.
73.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
74.
At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
75.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy".
76.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
friend".
77.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
78.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their
answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles".
79.
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket
isn't cricket."
80.
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
picture".
81.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
82.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
83.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more
any moment.
84.
Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact.
85.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
your ears.
86.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
87.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder";"scan"
people with it, announcing the results.
88.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
Howard Cossell voice.
89.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
90.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
91.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
1.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
other passengers.
3.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4.
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
5.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7.
Shave.
8.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
9.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside- down.
10.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
11.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
coming!"
13.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
ask them to call you Admiral.
14.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.
15.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
16.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
17.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
18.
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
19.
Meow occassionally.
20.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
21.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say
"oops!"
22.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
23.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing
buttons.
24.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
25.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the
side.
26.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
27.
Leave a box between the doors.
28.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
29.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
30.
Start a sing-along.
31.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that
your beeper?"
32.
Play the harmonica.
33.
Shadow box.
34.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
35.
Lean against the button panel.
36.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red
buttons.
37.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
38.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
39.
Bring a chair along.
40.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna
see wha in muh mouf?"
41.
Blow spit bubbles.
42.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
43.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable
host body."
44.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
45.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
46.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting
larger."
Things
to Do While Taking Your Driver's Test
1.
Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap
his/her hand.
2.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil
look, "buckle up!"
3.
Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle
of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask
him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the
seat.
5.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell
him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say
"oops".
7.
Let in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which
one is the gas again?"
8.
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and
check the oil.
9.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
10.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like
mothballs.
11.
Tell the Registar that you are taking the remedial test.
12.
In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13.
Swear at everybody on the road.
14.
When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking
back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
15.
Beep your horn at everything.
16.
Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold
it up.