Antistoicus
(Guest)
06/03/01 02:20 PM
Re: Personal Problem [re: John]

There are a few questions here. Let's start by observing that he should move slowly, and cautiously, because part of what he has to do, is figure out exactly what is going on, and one can't un-make a remark. It will be remembered, and that fact always has consequences. This time, his soul searching should be done in silence, however unfashionable that may seem.

Was he wrong to snoop in her e-mail? Yes, of course. What reason did he have, to suspect that there was something that he needed to see there so badly as to excuse his violation of her right to privacy, that he knew about before he looked? Actions are to be judged in the light of what the person taking the action knew before the fact, not after. For this reason, the last thing he should do is confront his girlfriend, and specify how it is that he knew about this boyfriend, because that would anger her, and the distrust would never go away. How unfortunate that he did that! For now, a prudent silence on the matter of his intrusion, would be the best choice.

What should he do? He did elect to accept that transfer, and this is not the early 1990s. There are other jobs, and other alternatives to letting oneself be relocated. If his girlfriend saw little point to continuing the relationship after he made that choice, I can't say that I blame her. He made it very clear, through his actions, that she was a second priority to him, coming after career advancement. If this is true, then perhaps he isn't so much in love with her, as accustomed to her, and maybe it was time to move on, the day he left.

If not, I would suggest that he simply ask his girlfriend if she still has feelings for the other boyfriend. No reason to play true confessions, and say how he got the information. He should just say, "I had a feeling". If the other man is the one he loves, perhaps he should consider the possibility of accepting that, and moving on. The fact that he dated her first, does not rule out the possibility that this is a rebound relationship, as it is easy to find people who have revived relationships that later on they say they wish they hadn't, merely becuase they ran into their ex-mates while in a vulnerable mood. If he ponders that, and can not accept that thought, then maybe he ought to ask himself why he accepted that transfer. Have his feelings changed? If so, then in a sense, doesn't that make this a new relationship, raising the question of whether she still feels the same way about him, that he does about her, if he should now feel more deeply for her than he once did?

Just a few jumbled thoughts. Without knowing the people in question, it's harder to do better than that.


Note : after I posted this, Khenmetaset raised the very good point that the girlfriend in question might still be working through her feelings, so your friend should probably wait a while before he asks her about her feelings about that other boyfriend. If she asks why he would have such a thought, he can always explain that given the circumstances, it was hard not to wonder. This deflects an awkward question, and indirectly acknowledges an issue that all involved might feel uncomfortable about confronting directly : the girlfriend's feelings of abandonment. It is the hint of an apology, probably long overdue.

It is troubling to have to suggest deceptiveness, in a relationship that should, as far as possible, be rooted in trust. (Which is part of why that snooping was so bad). If we are to find a right within this wrong, we must ponder why it is a wrong. The deception denies the girlfriend the freedom to decide for herself whether or not she wishes to continue to see somebody who would do such a thing. How does one make such a thing right? By working as hard as one can at making it a moot point, by ceasing to be that sort of person. He must never do such a thing, ever again.

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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Post deleted by John ... John 06/03/01 01:30 PM
. * Re: Personal Problem ... Jeremiah 06/04/01 03:25 PM
. * Re: Personal Problem ... Khen 06/03/01 02:44 PM
. * Post deleted by John ... John 06/04/01 11:30 AM
. * Re: Personal Problem ... Antistoicus 06/04/01 12:32 PM
. * Re: Personal Problem ... Nesi 06/04/01 01:08 PM
. . Re: Personal Problem ... Antistoicus 06/03/01 02:20 PM