| 7-19-02 All of sudden I feel lonely. I long for companionship with someone of the opposite sex. I'm not lusting for any young man, I just feel the need to fill the void I have from the absence of a friendship with a brother in Christ. I've tried to stay way from it. Covering up the desire by focusing on other things, but I don't want to anymore. There's something in a friendship with a guy that a girl cannot fulfill. I want a friendship with a guy that's real and doesn't just skim the surface- I have enough of those. Agh! I started thinking about the future- marriage, kids, a job- today. I never think about this and it surprised me when I caught myself doing it. I don't plan on any of this happening anytime soon. It actually scares me (get that- I thought the guy was supposed to be afraid of it). I started thinking about my husband asking myself all these questions people wonder. What does he look like? Have I met him already? Is he waiting for me? Does he long for me? And for the first time in a long time I couldn't wait until the day I knew the person who the Lord has for me. And then I started to get sad. I haven't had anyone like me in a romantic sort of way in such a long time. For a year and a half now, I've dressed more conservatively trying to respect my brothers in Christ. I stopped wearing makeup (let me tell you, makeup can do a lot for a girl- it can make anyone look attractive) and even stopped doing anything to my hair except just pulling it back. The makeup and the hair thing were mostly due to my decision to focus on the Lord and not guys (or anything else). Well now for some reason, I've been having a hard time dealing with having no attention directed towards me. Maybe because I pulled out my Burlap and Cashmere CD and listened to 'Eileen's Song' over and over or maybe because everybody and their cousin are getting married. Agh! Why did I even have to start thinking about this?! I'm lonely.> |