| The Difference |
| I think I always knew that one day this would happen...that I'd be sitting here, tear stained and dirty, while my world falls apart around me... It's funny, but I had accepted this day would come..accepted it from the day we first met.....the day you asked me out, when we got engaged, married even...When Josie was born I began to hope...just maybe, perhaps I was wrong after all...But I guess, deep down inside, I knew I was only fooling myself..it had always been only a matter of time...after all you can't cheat destiny can you? Why did you choose me? You could have had your pick of all the pretty girls, all the clever, bright and funny girls...everyone knew that, so why did you pick me? You must have heard the rumours at the time? The cruel jibes, the sly digs...all the comments about my charaisma by-pass, my flat chest, and the awful likelihood that you were only marrying me out of a misguided sense of obligation...to do the decent thing by a silly young girl who had so obviously trapped you with an unwanted pregnancy...How that had hurt...But the rumours just weren't true and our baby wasn't born until three years later, just as we planned it. When we got married, how the pretty girls wept...for I had stolen their prize. And the clever girls stood in the church in all their finery still trying to puzzzle out how I had managed to pull it off? How did I do it? They still wonder now, even after all these years... I want you to know that I don't blame you...not for any of it. It wasn't your fault, you couldn't help being this way. I knew that one day it would prove to me too much for you...that one day one of these girls would be strong enough, would have the power to break the ties that have held our lives together for all these years...and you were always going to be powerless to resist...But please, please tell me...please explain..why did it have to be her? You always could have your pick of all the girls, you still could...so why did you choose the plain girl, the one with the mousy hair and glasses? The one so painfully shy that she blushes when she answers the telephone? Why not choose the tall, slender, glamorous one? Or the witty one with the laugh like angels' harps? Why not the one from the successful family, whose father could help your career, the one with education,money and breeding? It would be easier you know...if she had been beautiful, intelligent, rich , successful...all or any of these would be so much easier to accept...Everyone would understand why you had made that choice. It would be obvious to the world and his wife. Your colleagues would slap you on the back, congratulate you on a precious find, envy you...they would nudge and wink as you went past, speculating on your sexual prowess, your stamina. You would be an icon among your peers...But no. Not you. Of all the women in the world,you have to go for her. I've spoken to her you know. Oh and how she cried, those stupid crocodile tears , hanging her head in shame. Do you know she couldn't even look me in the eye? She sat there on the sofa by the window and blubbered her pathetic apologies, her dirty excuses. I don't know why I even let her into the house? The sight of her disgusts me...just as the sight of myself, all ragged and worn, disgusts me. I really don't know which is worse...her or me? We will need to talk about Josie sometime...She will, of course, be devastated...but she doesn't need to know the details. We can be civilised can't we? We will remain friends for Josie, for her sake. As for her..well I don't think I can...I can't bear to be near her right now...maybe one day...I know it will be difficult, will take some explaining, but we will get through this... Before you go, there's one thing I have to know...What was the difference? What did she have that I didn't? What could you see when you looked at her that wasn't there when you saw me?I really need to know..It will be the question on everyone's lips... 'What was the difference between the Martin twins?' |