3rd Rock's
Baptist Youth!
Goliath came out and just completely put the Philistines down saying that they were weak and even challenged the entire army! David heard of it and decided that he could not stand by while this goof insulted HIS God! So he went up against the giant. So a teen with a sling, heart for God, and The Man(God) went up against this dude, Goliath. Man one rock and plop....there fell Goliath...He didn't stand a chance against God...and Goliaths army knew it...It was over! David one Goliath Zip... Do you have the Heart of a Champ?! With God...you do! Go Out and fight the good fight
*****Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
*****The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
*****The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.
*****New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
*****Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
*****Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected].
*****Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
*****Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
You might be in A Redneck Church if:
~~~People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
~~~The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.
~~~Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
~~~A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
~~~ In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
~~~Baptism is referred to as "branding"
~~~There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
~~~Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
~~~High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
~~~ People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
~~~The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optiona
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said, "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
(got complaints that they couldn't read the words at the top....sorry!)