This is a place where I will attempt to write letters to my Mom from time to time. I dunno what you might find here, so be careful and forgive my ways of expressing myself. Its hard for me not to be able to talk to Mom anymore... so I thought maybe letters to her might work.
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
Dear Mom,
There is so much I want to say to you that I don't even know where to begin really. I guess first of all I want to tell you that I love you and I miss you.I really don't know what my life is suposed to be like w/o you in it. Maybe I took you always being there for granted or something. I know deep inside me I always knew you wouldn't be here with me much longer, but I guess I just was not expecting it to happen the way it did. I am hurt, and angry. Not at you, but at the addiction that took over your life. Sometimes I even question God and ask Him why He could let such a aweful thing like this happen to such a wonderful person. But then I step back and remember that God Never puts more on us then we can take. I guess you just couldn't take it anymore and He finally eased your pain and let you rest. I am glad you are not hurting anymore Momma. I am glad you are finally at peace. But my heart aches for you so bad still. I know it's only been a little over a month now, and it will take time to heal for me, but ... well... I miss you.
Dad calls alot. I wish there was more I could do for him right now, but I just don't know what else I can do other then listen when he needs to talk and let him know he is not alone. Sometimes I just wanna reach thru the phone and hug him so tight. I just pray with all there is in me that he don't go back to drinking. I don't know if I could deal with loosing him too right now.
Sandi is haven a hard time with all of this too, but I think we are making some progress. She just does not understand why Nana is dead. I took her out of school and I am keeping her home with me. I think she just needs a little more family security. So many things have changed in her little life so fast. I don't think she knows how to express her feelings about it all. But she is starting to talk to us more. Lowell is wonderful with her and seems to have a HECK of a lot more paitents with her then I do right now.
Well, I have to get going Momma. I have to get the house ready and my car ready. I leave here tomorrow to go get the boys for Spring Break. I can't wait ! I miss them so bad, and I kinda want to have some time with them to make sure they are dealing with all of this too. I love you Momma, and I miss you terribly. Sleep well.
Love, Chrissy
Thursday , April 10, 2003
Dear Momma,
Hey beautiful... gosh I miss you. Sandi is being unbearable again tonight. Screaming at the top of her lungs and not listening to a thing we say. She misses you so bad.. I know this is just her way of expressing it... but UGHH I dunno how much more I can take !
Robbie and Ryan are here for Spring Break along with Jessy, Jamie and Rhonda too. I had all kinda things planned, but none of it seems to have worked out right. It has rained the whole time they have been here. :o( I hope that they don't think Savannah is a dull place now because of this week here. I am so looking forward to the boys coming back home. I miss them so bad when they are not here with me all the time. Being 4 hours away from them makes it even harder now too.
I am happy though. Lowell is wonderful Mom. I wish you could have gotten to know him better before you went to sleep. He is so thoughtful... very hard working. He loves us Momma. I can tell it in all the things he does and says. Dad even says he loves him. Lowell has been right here for all of us since you died. I really dunno what I would do w/o him at times. He holds me when I cry... he makes me laff whenever he can... he tries to get me doing things to fill my time so that I dont sit and dwell too much on the pain and sadness I live in these days. He's my Angel, like you were Dad's I guess. I am still not sure what I did so right to deserve him, but whatever it was... Im glad I did it.
The dreams have stopped so far. I know it sounds odd to pray and ask GOD to stop dreams of your own Momma like that, but I know it is just not possible that you can be standing here in my room that way. And you know I don't like anyone playing games with my mind. I think maybe the St. John's Wart is helping me some too... and the time that has passed. I thought about picking up the book I stated working on again... but I won't do that till the kids are gone back home, just in case. I don't want them to see me loose it if I happen to let go all of the sudden.
Well, I better go for now. I love you Momma... and I miss you so very bad. I wonder if this will ever get easier...? *sigh*
Love,
Chrissy
August 24, 2003
Dear Momma,
Happy Birthday! Well, it would have been today anyways. It's late here... we just got back from your house. Dad and I held a cook out for Maw Maw for ya'll Birthday's today. I made some "Second Generation Potato Salad" as Daddy called it. It was not as good as yours of course, but I tried !
I think we all had a pretty good time for the most part. Dad din't want Cathy invited, but she showed up anyways. You woulda been proud of me Momma, I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. I think it was a really hard day for her. I must admit I still have some issues to deal with though. I love her, don't get me wrong, but I sure don't like some of the things that have happened nor the way they have happened. I just have to keep reminding myself daily ( sometimes even moment by moment! ) that all things happen just the way God wants them to happen. Still, it doesn't give me much comfort right now.
I had alot of time to think on the drive home. Lowell and Sandi passed out for the most part. So, I did alot of talking to God, and thinking about you. I miss you so bad sometimes Momma. So bad my insides ache to be close to you. So bad my arms reach out in my sleep to hold on to you. I don't know if this feeling will ever go away. Sometimes I look at your pictures and it's like your not really gone. But then I remember, and I cry.
Well, I just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday, and since I didn't get a chance to go to the graveyard this time.. I thought I'd do it here instead. I love you Momma and I miss you soooooo bad! I hope you're resting well.
Always loving you,
Chrissy
September 21, 2003
Dear Momma,
Im sitting here at 2 am thinking about you again. Some things never change I guess. So much has been going on around here since Sandi started back to school. You would be so proud of her Momma! She knows her Name, Address, Phone Number, Birthday, Mom's Name, and Daddy's Name all by heart. She has a memory verse she has to learn once a week and she does rather well with those too. Her handwriting is getting so much better too. And she LOVES painting and drawing in her "free time" in class.
Lowell and I were asked to be the Home and School Leaders for the Church School this year too. Basically it's like being the head of the PTA in a public school. Right now I am working on the Fall Festival. I sure wish you were here to help me with all the crafts and stuff ! Lowell is working so much right now I am basically doing it all myself. Gosh I miss you... *sigh*
Well, I promised myself I wouldn't cry ... so I better go before I start and get working on something else to fill my mind ( yeah RIGHT !!! ) . I love you Momma... so very much.
Loving you always,
Chrissy
� 2003 Chrissy Hanson -- Web Master
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