Becoming The Ultimate Wrestler Part I: The Mental Aspect

( Chris Naggs just stares at Chris Staggs as we open. )

[ Chris Staggs:] Oh now you want to have the staring contest after the crazy bunnies are gone.

[ Chris Naggs:] No, Why the hell did you have the title of the promo at the beginning.

[ Chris Staggs:] A lot of other people do it. I guess they figure that people can't remember it at the beginning of the promo so they have to show it twice.

[ Chris Naggs:] Um okay. What is this about becoming the ultimate wrestler thing anyway?

[ Chris Staggs:] Well you know Davis only allowed Grady to go to Brent Kersh's School Of Wrestling and learn how to become a great wrestler.

[ Chris Naggs:] Yes.

[ Chris Staggs:] I figured I would just do it myself.

[ Chris Naggs:] You are kidding right?

[ Chris Staggs:] Nope.

[ Chris Naggs:] How are you going to do that?

[ Chris Staggs:] I don't know.

[ Chris Naggs:] So you came up with the title of the promo and you don't what to do?

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

[ Chris Naggs:] I don't see how you are holding two titles.

( Chris Staggs looks at his empty hands. )

[ Chris Naggs:] I didn't mean this very second.

[ Chris Staggs:] Good I was starting to think you were seeing things.

[ Chris Naggs:] Ugh yeah. Anyway you don't know how you are going to become the ultimate wrestler.

[ Chris Staggs:] I guess I could try to think like the ultimate wrestler.

( I said knowing that this was a great idea. Chris Naggs would think it was a great idea cause he knows Chris Staggs is the smartest guy in the world. Chris Naggs just stares at me. He is wanting to play the staring game. I knew Chris Naggs was scared of the crazy bunnies too. )

[ Chris Naggs:] What the hell?

( I could tell in his voice that he was ready for a nap. )

[ Chris Naggs:] WHAT!?

( I am getting scared that Chris Naggs is becoming deaf. He keeps asking me what as if he didn't hear what I said. I hope that Chris Naggs doesn't go deaf cause I can't tell him anything then. Plus I don't want to learn another language. That would take way too long.)

[ Chris Naggs:] I am not going deaf.

( That was great to hear. I am glad I heard that too. I don't want to go deaf. Though I wouldn't have to listen to some of the promos that I am forced to watch. Although I hadn't had to see a promo in three weeks which made me happy. I like being happy. Though I think everybody likes being happy except weird people like Chaos. Though don't get mad at me Chaos, I am just saying you don't ever look like you want to be happy. )

[ Chris Naggs:] Can you stop with the soliloquy. Why the hell are you doing that anyway?

( I thought why in the world is he using words that I have no idea what he is talking about as I am trying to sound smart. )

[ Chris Naggs:] This is stupid. Quit this at once. Why do you think this makes you sound smart?

[ Chris Staggs:] Well Zack Morris does it. Plus Kevin Arnold on Wonder Years does it?

[ Chris Naggs:] Who is Zack Morris?

[ Chris Staggs:] Saved By The Bell duh!? Don't you know anything. He is smartest guy ever. He can get away with so much.

[ Chris Naggs:] So you think sounding like Zack Morris and Kevin Arnold makes you the ultimate wrestler.

[ Chris Staggs:] "FO SHO" I said knowing that Chris Naggs wouldn't understand me. He is just jealous cause he is short. I know I said it buy luckily Naggsy can't hear me.

[ Chris Naggs:] Chris, quit narrating yourself. 

[ Chris Staggs:] "OH!" I said, MY GOD he heard me. I will just play it cool and maybe he will forget.

[ Chris Naggs:] I can hear everything you are saying.

[ Chris Staggs:] "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I yelled. I hoped Naggsy would get out of my head soon. So I could have some privacy in my own head.

[ Chris Naggs:] You are saying everything out loud.

[ Chris Staggs:] OH. Sorry I am new at this trying to sound smarter than I am.

[ Chris Naggs:] I can tell.

( Just then a beautiful women dressed in black walks into the room )

[ Random Beautiful Women:] It's all going to be okay.

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

[ Random Beautiful Women:] He lived a full life.

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

[ Random Beautiful Women:] He just was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

( Tears started to trickle down her cheeks. )

[ Random Beautiful Women:] I just wished he would have seen us together.

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

[ Random Beautiful Women:] Your Great Grandfather didn't deserve to die eating tapioca pudding.

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO! Should have been chocolate.

[ Random Beautiful Women:] He always loved chocolate.

( She wiped the tears from her face as her . Chris Staggs just stands there as Chris Naggs looks on dumbfounded as he just watches the conversation. )

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

[ Random Beautiful Women:] You will be at the funeral right?

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

[ Random Beautiful Women:] Oh thank you.

( They embrace as she leaves. )

[ Chris Naggs:] Who and What the hell was that?

( Chris Staggs shrugs his shoulders.)

[ Chris Naggs:] Why did this just happen.

[ Chris Staggs:] Everyone else has an problem that they discuss with a beautiful women.

[ Chris Naggs:] So are we going to a funeral.

[ Chris Staggs:] Why?

[ Chris Naggs:] Your Great grandfather died.

[ Chris Staggs:] He did?

[ Chris Naggs:] That women just told you.

[ Chris Staggs:] Oh I was concentrating on my lines.

[ Chris Naggs:] All you said was FO SHO!? Wait you made this up?

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO! I wrote my part.

[ Chris Naggs:] Figures.

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

Flashback:

Chris Staggs: But Momma I want the Short Circuit 2: Electric Bugaloo. 

Momma: No

Chris Staggs: Please!

Momma: No

Chris Staggs: I HATE YOU!

Flashback Ends:

[ Chris Naggs:] What was the point of that.

[ Chris Staggs:] I seen it done before by other people.

[ Chris Naggs:] Ugh. Why don't you stop for a second and talk about your matches at the pay per view. 

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO! I got three matches. Though I don't think that is very fair to me in my last match. I mean I will be tired. So I am asking you if we could do the big match first that way I am not that tired. Ah anyway I got a chance to be just two titles away from have Scooby Doo staying with me forever. The first match is between the Evil Russian guy who Bubbles totally owned. HAHA! Bubbles really showed you who the man is well um who the chimp was. Now you are mad at me cause you think I had something to do with it? I didn't I give you my boy scout's honor. It was all Bubbles idea. So if you are going to be mad, then be mad at the right person or chimp in this case. Though if you do hurt Bubbles then I am going to be mad. I am going to take your title from you and keep my title. Yep though I will do that anyway ,but I will just do it meaner and nastier. Oh and now you think you are the Wicked Witch that is going to get me and my monkey wait what monkey? Do you mean Bubbles? If you mean Bubbles then I would like to inform you that Bubbles is a chimp not a monkey. He is very touché about that type of thing. So Evil Russian guy you think that you are going to take my International title away from me then you are wrong. You think you are better than me just cause you and Chaos beat Grady and I in a tag match. Whateva.......FO SHO! Oh by the way Naggsy reminded me that I am undefeated in singles action WOOT WOOT! Oh yeah I already stopped you from taking my M&Ms a month ago. Now I am going to have to defeat you twice so Scooby Doo can come stay with me forever. 

Now on Chaos and the darkness wait what happened to the Darkness? Did you get right of them? Good, I don't think they were doing you any good.  Now you are talking to a Man In Black wait....you get to talk to Will Smith or is it Tommy Lee Jones. Wait his name is Anton and he dropped the ball. So he dropped the ball. If it is a basketball it will bounce right back up. Though Chaos I don't how much you want to hang out with him if his calling was to hang out in a dark room with a single light. That just seems well stupid. Though I don't really care to watch a therapy section. I have already been enough of them as it is. Now though Chaos you think that Grady is hanging on my coattails. HA! I don't where any jackets except when it is cold but it isn't cold cause it is in the middle of May. Anyway none of my jackets have coattails. Also how dare you say that Grady is lacking talent. He just spent a week at Brent Kersh's School of Wrestling. He is going to wristlock you to death. Then you are going to begging Whateva Fo Sho not to hurt your wrist anymore. Tommy Grady may only have one title but he has been injured for a couple of weeks. What did you want him to do? Anyway Tommy Grady was injured and didn't have a chance to win a title what is your excuse huh huh? I got you. Yeah you would say that you only care about the World Title, but you still have to win a big match with 13 other guys something that last month you proved you couldn't do. Heck I think I got a good chance in the volcano match since I won a match with a bunch of people last month. Oh well Chaos why don't you and that Anton take two pills of Valium and then you will be set. That is what they always did to me after my therapy sections.  

Um Naggsy I am going to need some help remembering the others in the match.

( Chris Naggs sighs as he writes down the names of the other opponents in the Adrenaline Eruption Match. Naggsy hands it to Chris Staggs. )

[ Chris Staggs:] Andrew Hurley, he is the guy that fell a long way and broke his leg. Man he is tough. Just to break his leg and come back in two months. Poor Ranma was in a wheel chair. Anyway Hurley says the only way I am going to be World Champion is if everyone else dies. Well who would I beat if everyone was dead huh? OH. Hey Naggsy was everyone dead when I won the SWF World Heavyweight Title?  Funny me I was thinking there were other people in the SWF. Oh well. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess winning all the titles except the Overdrive Title makes me a terrible wrestler. Go figure. 

Memphis Gray, who in the world took the poll to saying that Atwater, Hurley, and you were the favorites? Wait was that the poll we took in the back. That wasn't fair we only had seven choices. I thought we had fourteen guys in the match. Oh well you say people call you the Chris Staggs of 2003. I don't see it maybe it is cause you are black or something I don't know. You don't look anything like I did back then. Oh well Memphis Gray you want to ignore me that is fine. You want to focus on very few that you think is a threat that is fine. Just don't be shocked when you lose while talking to Ranma.

JD Lawson, you know I have come the think that you are a terrible brother and I don't know why in the world I wanted you to be my brother in the first place. I mean you didn't show up for Thanksgiving dinner that was okay maybe your flight was cancelled, you didn't come to Christmas Dinner, maybe you were sick. You didn't even get me a present, that was just wrong. Oh and must importantly you didn't come to my birthday party, that makes me angry. We had clowns, pony rides, I know how much you like pony rides, and all kinds of other things at the party. You know what we may be brothers ,but this is going to be a Korean War.

[ Chris Naggs:] Civil War.

[ Chris Staggs:] I am not going to be civil about it. Anyway onto Johnny Storm. He seems to be really feuding with Ranma so I don't think he is really much considering the match. Also he has to beat Ranma too just to get in the match in the first place.  Anyway you had the undefeated streak end last week and according to Naggsy that I am undefeated in singles action. I am a whole two and zero. I only need to what two more matches to match your undefeated streak right? You beat Bock twice so that shouldn't count. 

Then we have Andrew Davis....wait that is why you sent Grady to the Brent Kersh's School Of Wrestling instead of me isn't it? You didn't want to me to become the greatest wrestler in the IW. Well you know what I am going to do that on my own. I do appreciate you helping me last month. I hate to ask but could you help me out again this month. I mean you don't need to be IW World Champion. You just need to get rid of Jason Hartnell. Which if I win I can help you do. See I can help you.

On to Dude Job who too is going to therapy. What is it with showing your trip to therapy that makes you think that we want to watch. I told Chaos I went to therapy and it isn't that fun and it is quite boring to tell you the truth. Though I do admit you are funny when you act different from one session to the other. I mean though I really thought you were better with the rainbow outfit and stuff. Oh well have fun in your next therapy session...I know I never did. Whateva....FO SHO!

Chris D-Word, Mr. Popular with the Sesame Street Gang, are you going to have another skit with them this week in your promos? I hope so cause I am missing Sesame Street right now doing this promo. Maybe you can have Grover in it this time. Maybe you can dress up like me and get beat up. That was funny but that would not really happen. Sesame Street is full of nice people. They wouldn't attack you. Now Chris I admit I am a little jealous that you get to choose when you wrestle. Though I don't think I could be as sneaky as you and turn on people. You were sneaky wait no you weren't. You attack Storm last month at the pay per view. How could he not see that coming. Maybe he is a little slow. I see why you turned on him. You have to follow an idiot like that. I wouldn't like it. 

Issac Comelightly, you almost beat Mr. Sleepy for his title. I already beat Pete Ebdon. Anyway you are funny I admit that. I like watching you promos cause they aren't that hard to figure out like some of the others that I am facing this week. You don't use many big words. You don't say all these things that mean two things but it is the deeper meaning than they mean . You know what I am saying? I hope cause I don't. Anyway I am sorry though Issac, I got to win. I got to get Scooby to stay with me forever. 

Erick Caine umm yeah. Is he even still in the IW? I mean I see him wrestle but Naggs you told me you had to do promos to win matches. He hasn't cut a promo in over a month. I guess he doesn't want to win.

Pete Ebdon, we meet again. I am going to stop you right now. You are going to call me a moron and boring. You are going to say that I am not funny. I mean that is what you always say when you face me. I think the people already know that I am not the smartest person in the world, but boring? This is coming from YOU! You say basically something that usually takes a second but turns into a lifetime. So you beat my brother. I did too. How do you think he became my brother? Anyway Pete Ebdon, come on call me stupid but I am rubber and you are glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you! HA!

Finally Christian Atwater, the SWF World Champion, you know you could make some more money in the IW if you go and hold therapy sessions with Dude Job and Chaos. I mean you sound like you know what everyone is thinking then you put in part two and you try to sound clever but down with the street cred. Um yeah REMIX your insults and other stuff is cool and all ,but can I tell you something....who in the world says Toodles? I mean I thought you were tough till at the end when you said Toodles. Then I began thinking of you as Big Bird. Wait you might be Big Bird without the feathers. Then you hit us with some more current slang in between trying to sound clever. Man I can see why you are champion.  

So um all of you know now you know and knowing is half the battle....YOOOOOOOOOOOO JOE!

( Chris Staggs looks down tired of talking about the match as he looks up at the wall which is painted in a light blue just like the sky. Chris Staggs now looks at Chris Naggs who is wearing a white wife beater and some slacks that he got at Baby Gap or something. Chris Staggs scratches his head as Chris Naggs begins to speak )

[ Chris Naggs:] Um what are you doing?

[ Chris Staggs:] I don't know.

[ Chris Naggs:] Why are you staring at the wall.

[ Chris Staggs:] I like the color blue.

[ Chris Naggs:] Right, anyway all this doesn't make you the ultimate wrestler.

[ Chris Staggs:] I doesn't?

[ Chris Naggs:] No it doesn't

[ Chris Staggs:] What does it make me?

[ Chris Naggs:] I don't really know, but all you done is go around taking things from other people's promos and plugging it in your promo.

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO! That way I take something away from other people and add them together to become the ultimate wrestler mentally.

[ Chris Naggs:] Um right.

( The phone rings Chris Staggs goes to answer )

"Hello"

..............

"You are kidding me"

..............

"Oh GOD NO!"

..............

"You are right I will do it"

..............

"Thank You, Bye"

( Chris Staggs hangs up the phone )

[ Chris Naggs:] What was that?

[ Chris Staggs:] The telephone.

[ Chris Naggs:] Ugh. What was the call about?

[ Chris Staggs:] Oh we switched long distance providers.

[ Chris Naggs:] Why didn't you just hang up?

[ Chris Staggs:] It was a good deal. Unlimited minutes on weekends and nights. Plus people have phone calls sometimes during there promos. 

[ Chris Naggs:] Fine whateva....

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

[ Chris Naggs:] Are you done yet?

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

( The duo leaves as Chris Staggs knows that he is only a 1/3 of the way from becoming the Ultimate Wrestler in the IW. He knows he can become just two belts away from having Scooby Doo stay with him forever. They walk out Chris Naggs stops )

[ Chris Naggs:] Is that the guy from the movie phone?

[ Chris Staggs:] FO SHO!

( END PROMO)