1) A man approaches you, a good looking, young man and he says to you "I am working on a plan in which I will create a floating island and then give you the land on the floating island, in return for the land that you currently own here on terra firma. I plan to build a great beach, a bo honkin beach, and I need your land to do it. It shall be the most beach like place on earth, excluding all natural beaches. The floating island shall have oh so many wonderful things, such as flying pandas, and a giant gum ball that may or may not roll over you and flatten you like a big ole human penny, on this floating island you shall have the pleasure of appeasing this giant gumball, but your life shall be free of want and desire. Do you agree to give me your land?" now, in response to this question, what would you do, what would you do!!??!

• A) you would take the man's offer, and live in nirvana on the floating island with a flying panda and a big gumball that may or may not be a diety.
• B) Scream and run away
• C) Say you got your own damn flying panda, and you are a giant gumball.
• D) Say "heeeyyyy, that sounds like a pretty damn cool plan, count me in! can I be a partner!?"

2) How many teeth do you have?

3) If you had a furby that the devil started speaking through, what would you do?

• A) Take it to a priest and have him exercise the demon.
• B) Take it to richard simmons and have him exercise the demon.
• C) The devil speaks through all furbies.

4) What would be your perfect night on the town?

• A) not dying
• B) dying, but coming back as a really cool disco vampire named Germain Goldchain.
• C) Stalking a really cool vampire named Germain Goldchain.
• D) A covert spy operation to infiltrate government facilities to discover just why that toaster killed JFK.
• E) Spend a romantic evening with your lover, as the candle light gleams in her/his eye, and the roses of every color scent the room and your lover's hair. The moon hangs like a lover's pearl, and you whisper beautiful Shakespearean sonnets into her/his ear as Armageddon breaks out in your kitchen between the mighty forces of the government toaster and the guild of disco vampires lead by Germain Goldchain riding atop a giant flying panda as "ride of the Valkeries" plays, and while barry white gives his unlimited love to all the ladies.

5) If a porcupine fathered/mothered your child, how painful would the delivery be?

• A) It would hurt as if you were giving birth to a half porcupine half human hybrid.
• B) It would hurt like a bull dog in a trash can with a bag of licorice.
• C) It would hurt by the realization that "hey, im a man, WHY THE HELL AM I GIVING BIRTH TO A HALF PORCUPINE HALF HUMAN HYBRID!!!?!? AHHHHH!!!"
• D) It would hurt like trying to find out why Tetly tea bags are round.

6) I have a cow that I found floating out in the middle of the ocean while I was out there floating on a badger. What should I do with the cow, and to a lesser extent, the badger?

• A) Teach them to love and respect all things, and then, when nobody is looking, take their wallet!
• B) Genetically combine them to form a cowager.
• C) Marry them and let nature take its course
• D) Just accept the fact that shaft is one bad mother..watch your mouth!!
• E) Train them to hunt down the michelan man, and take your revenge on him for killing your mother!!!

7) What do you want most in the world?

• A) That really great land on the floating island!!! Such a deal!
• B) A rhinocerous� CARVED OUT OF PURE GOLD!!
• C) The knowledge of just how old is Dick Clark?
• D) Just to see cap'n crunch makde admiral.
• E) To know just where those damn soggies went!? Did cap'n crunch kill them!?
• F) The ability to make black holes appear at will!

8) Pick a number, any number.

9) My goat just had kittens, do you want one?

• A) yes
• B) no
• C) did somebody say Tom Jones?

10) Not yet they didn't! If Barry White and Tom Jones got in a fight, who would win?

• A) Tom Jones, by a long shot.
• B) Barry White, by a long shot.
• C) The unexpected arrival of Bea Arthur would disrupt the whole damn thing and it would have to be rescheduled.
• D) Tom and Barry are lovers, not fighters, it would be the woman fighting for THEM! and they would just sit there, or they'd be fighting off Bea Arthur.

11) Do you remember Thunder in Paradise, the adventure boat show starring that thespian Hulk Hogan? And what was the best episode?

• A) yes you do
• B) I have a monkey!
• C) The best episode by far was the one where they almost won an emmy, in which they went into the store that was having a huge liquidation sale under the sea (that is when the boat came in handy) and the liquidation sale was an all chocolate sale, and the other wrestler, who wasn't hulk hogan, really really liked chocolate, and hated old ladies that bought chocolate at liquidation sales under the sea, I mean really hated them!!! and they go into the store, and he starts freakin out, he just goes completely crazy, just absolutely nuts, and he starts screaming and throwing stuff and he starts beating the old lady with her orthopedic shoe WHILE HER SHOES WERE STILL ON HER FEET!! and he is still screamin and hollerin and throwin stuff, the old lady is screamin and hollerin and hulk hogan is eatin the chocolates the lady brought and doing that whole hand to the ear thing, and she is still on the floor and the other guy who is not hulk hogan and the one who was beating the old lady with her own shoes while they were still on her feet and he was like slamming her legs down on her and everybody was freaking out and he kept slamming down her legs on her and every other part of her and hulk was eating and Shakespeare comes up and says "you doth be crazy man" and then hulk, who played Macbeth at Cambridge, and he follows anything that Shakespeare says so he starts shaking the other guy screaming "guy who was the other wrestler who isn't me, oh man! You gotta stop tearin this old woman up brother! I know that that old woman is sinnin cause she is buyin chocolates that have coconut in them because I know you have this really weird religion that commands you to kill all people who like chocolates with coconut in them but brother! Don't you hear!!??!" and then he did that cool hulk thing where he puts his hand up to his ear and does lunges, and then shakes the guy some more and so the guy finally stops beating the old woman with her orthopedic shoes and they went off to ex-communicate himself from his church and religion and then they get there they found out that it was just a front for teddy bears who were drug runners so they blew the place up with their boat.
• D) Wheeee!!!

12) You would rather find out the secrets of the universe via�.

• A) a vision from god.
• B) The cap'n crunch decoder ring.
• C) Spice girl's lyrics
• D) Wonder Woman

13) I guess they just wouldn't be attractive if they were called Play Boy Vultures.

AND NOW THE SCORES!!!

1.

2. As long as you have more than ten, you're doing fine.

3.

4.

5.

(Note, from here on, you must cube root all your scores.)

6.

7.

8. You thought that this would be the number of how many people you would have to send this too didn't you!? DIDN'T YOU!? Well you don't, all this number represents is the times that a gremlin has attached itself to your car and stolen your hubcaps, and then replaced them with lesser quality inferior, but completely identical hubcaps, much to your ignorance, and to my chagrin. I am shocked and chagrined! How long do we have to let these gremlins ruin our cars people!? But there are some cute ones, and they are just playin. So its cute and cool. (send this to 80 people!)

9.

10.

11.

12.

13. Aint it the truth though?

0 to 10 - how could you get this!? You are no fun!!

10 to 30 - you have a french whore sneaking up on you as we speak!!

30 to 50 - you are doing good, you deserve a good rub down from Tom Jones, or from a very sensual ferret.

50 to 70 - how do you sleep at night!? You must be up all night thinking Mr. Marbles is comin ta get ya, and devising ways to help the Trix rabbit get his Trix, or lucky charms if you got over 70.

70 to 90 - leave that damn leprechaun alone!! He's not ever real! But you think he is don't ya! Yea, you do. But it is a good way to live. With the hug myself jacket and the huggies. And your porcupine Verushkagin, isn't he the most intellectual and entertaining talker you have ever met? Youd better believe it.

90 to 110 - ok, how are you even knowing what a computer is? You my friend, are quite the lil birds next up there aren't you?

110 to 130 - sweet son of a monkey!!!! I made this test and I don't even KNOW if it goes up this high, so how the heck did you get this many points!! You are scaring me!

130 and up - you gotta let me know how you did it. I don't know if this goes any higher. You probably are the gremlin that climbs on people's car and tears off their hubcaps. You probably rake the yard with a spoon! You hold meaningful conversations with boxes!! Real boxes!!!

(note) do you think you got a wrong answer? Did you remember to cube root your scores? And are you Amish? That's the clincher there. :)

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