Let�s jump into my little time machine shall we? First off, I was always a strange kid. I wasn't like everyone else, and I really liked it that way because it set me apart. Then there were my attractions, which were few. Before I actually realized I was gay, I had only liked two girls enough to pine after and even consider asking them out (which never happened). I was really into church (where I met the first girl) when I was in middle school, and a little in high school. When I finally was in high school, I basically adopted a lifestyle that could only be classified as asexual. I had mostly female friends and wasn�t attracted to any of them. Of course there was also still Eric, my only guy friend who I'm also not attracted to. (sorry Eric) ;D I don�t know really... relationships just didn�t interest me that much. I saw what it did to my friends and pretty much figured they were a lot of trouble and I could basically live �through� my friends� experiences enough to know that I didn�t want that.

Later in high school I started to notice guys a little more, but I didn�t �realize� I was noticing them. I really didn�t like guys and was happy not knowing any just for the simple fact that most of the guys my female friends had ever talked to were assholes not to mention other things. Then when I started realizing I was looking at guys more I became confused by the whole thing. (because �being gay� wasn�t even a possibility then, it just wasn�t in my mind) So I decided that I wasn�t looking at them because I wanted them, but because I was jealous that they must have something that I didn�t: better looks, confidence, etc. Well, that went on for a while to say the least and I never really pieced together that I could be gay. Like I said, I never even thought that was a possibility until later. It didn�t help that I was working at a job where people were starting rumors that I �was� gay and I completely denied it (because it wasn�t true, in my mind then at least) Well, around 1999, I began to think I actually was having strong feelings for guys that weren�t exactly �normal�, as my church teachings would say, which sucked completely!! It�s not really a happy and fair thing when you find something out about yourself that you really didn�t want, nor have a choice in the matter. Literally whenever I would consciously realize I was looking at a guy, I would quickly turn my thoughts and wish I could just get a lobotomy. Thinking I could be gay took its toll on my brain for a couple months and I dared not tell any of my friends. Since none of them suspected I could be gay (as we all were pretty set on me being asexual) I wasn�t prepared for what could happen if I told them. I also didn�t want to �come out� and have it seem like I was just doing it for popularity or because other people were. (Lots of famous people and other people were coming out around that time as well) Needless to say I wasn�t ready to just accept the fact that I was gay so I deluded myself into thinking I was hopefully just bi, because why would God let me be gay when obviously it seemed like He didn�t like it?

The deluding didn�t help. Three months later of dwelling on gay issues I was about ready to burst because I just had to tell �someone� about me. So one night while I was hanging out with my friend Liz and we were getting drunk in a parking lot, I hinted towards the fact I thought I might be gay. My fears were put to rest as she didn't despise me and she was actually moved by the fact I chose her to be the first person I came out to. I basically wanted to cry because it was such a release from my system it was entirely too new for me to handle. It was awesome finally being out to someone but I refused to come out to anyone else in fears that it would �get around� and my family would find out somehow. (My dad is completely racist and homophobic and thinks all gay people should be shot. My mom is way too religious so thus believes gay people are going to hell) My selective closeting went on for about a year with just me and Liz knowing. That was a long year, but finally I decided to come out to my friend Rachel in her apartment while we were also drunk. Can we say major release again? I'm kinda sad that I had to use alcohol as a crutch to get me to be able to come out, but it really did relax me to the point where I didn't care that much about it. Rachel was also really supportive of me which was especially calming. She suggested that I tell Mike, her friend and my sorta friend at the time who is also gay, because he would probably be able to help me deal with it much better than she could, and possibly direct me to a support group or something. I was hesitant about it for a couple weeks but finally gave in and let her tell him. The whole "it might get around to my family" wasn't an issue with Mike because he was living in California at the time. He was really happy that I came out to him but he couldn�t really help me because it�s different for everyone and there is no manual.

Sadly, even though I was coming out to my friends (three anyway), I still wasn�t happy with being gay. I felt it was a cruel curse put upon me and it wasn�t fair. And since I was working at a job where they had thought I was gay, and I denied it, I couldn�t exactly come back and say �whoops, well you were all right, what do ya know..� It's particularly argravating when other people can see something about yourself that you're competely blind to. This however is where my story gets bad. Evidently trying to live two different lives in my head was a bit too much for me, keeping secrets here and there just isn�t fun or healthy. So in Jan of 2001 I decided to come out to the next person I felt I could trust with knowing that I was gay, and that was my friend Rose. I�d like to think this next part actually was the cause of what happened later, but anyway. ;] So me and Rose had this ritual where we�d go see a movie every Thursday, but I was soon to start going to a support group Rachel nicely looked up and found for me that was �on� Thursdays. I had to tell her I couldn�t do the movie night anymore, but it went a little differently than I had expected. First off, NEVER COME OUT TO ANYONE IN A MOVING CAR!! Granted �I� was driving, it�s still a bad bad idea. So.. I was already excruciatingly nervous about telling another person that I was gay (because I still didn't like it) and I was also sad that me being gay was going to stop our movie nights. So when we were driving home after the movie I told Rose that I couldn't do movie night anymore. She was disappointed and asked why, to which I said, very slow and pause filled, that I would be going to a gay support group. Rose just smiled and said it was okay and she understood. I was really surprised by how she took it and it made me feel better, but then she said �it�s really cool you want to do volunteer work like that." She hadn�t realized I was trying to tell her that �I� in fact was gay, which made me even more nervous about having to come out to her �again�. I told her I wasn�t going to volunteer at the group and she asked why would I go then.. to which I responded �to get support.. I�m gay." She still took it pretty well, but my brain was just so cracked out by that point that we both started laughing. I was more or less hysterical though. The next thing I know, my whole body goes completely numb and I start hyperventilating and thinking I�m having a heart-attack or something. It was a very scary thing, and since I was �driving� at the time, it definitely wasn�t cool. So I dangerously swerved to the side of the road (not even looking out for cars) and tried to calm down. I didn�t calm down though and this �heart-attack� seemingly went on for two hours. The next day I felt a little bit better and hoped to God I actually �didn�t� have a heart-attack and that it was only a one time thing. I was wrong.

Evidently my little attack triggered something in my brain and it wasn�t going to go away so easily. I continued to have more of these attacks and they made me feel like I was going insane. I demanded that my mom take me to the hospital but she said it would cost too much. (which certainly doesn't show much compassion when I think I'm dying) She did however offer that I probably wasn�t having heart-attacks, but instead panic-attacks. Well, long story short, I had to drop out of school for that semester because I couldn�t handle it, I quit my job, got some evil meds (xanex) that messed with my head even �more� and made me want to commit suicide. (Xanex evidently is a depressant and since I was already depressed by now and I have a below average body weight which probably made the meds hit me harder, it caused me to become suicidal) Don't get me wrong, the xanex did actually stop my panic-attacks, but I was basically a walking zombie with no motivation and I was swirling down a pit of hopelessness. Before I got off the xanex though I figured that I was probably having the panic attacks because I was gay and possibly I needed to come out to my family. For some reason, even though I felt I could go my entire life without them knowing, my body was saying �you need to do this and I�m going to force you to.� So in the span of one day I came out to my brother and my mom, separately. Telling my brother went okay, but my mom wasn�t as cool with it. I still remember the stink eye she gave me when she asked �are you trying to tell me you�re gay?� I was crying and I had to get out of the house after that. (Not kicked out, but just couldn�t be there at that moment anymore) I just couldn't believe how evil my mother was being just because religion was telling her I was a bad person. I drove around aimlessly and found myself at Rachel�s old house and thankfully she was there because I was still crying and she comforted me and said that she was really proud of me and we talked all about it. She was also of the mindset that I was never going to tell my family, at least not until I was moved out anyhow. I still didn't tell my father though because we all agreed he would go ballistic and either shoot me or kick me out of the house.

My panic attacks thankfully �did� taper off after I came out to my mom and brother, but the psychological damage the attacks, meds, etc had on me left me basically crippled and feeling like I�d never be able to work or go to school ever again. It�s been a long 10 months of dealing with it and growing. I came out to many more people, Eric probably being the hardest person to come out to. He being my only guy friend, I wasn't sure how he'd take it. Plus I wasn't on the xanex yet when I told him and every time I'd even 'think' about telling him I'd have another panic attack. Thankfully I�m now in school again, I finally have a job which proves to me I can do it, I�m way more comfortable with me being gay and finally thinking it�s okay and that God �doesn�t� hate me, and I�ve just grown a whole lot. Overall I want to say my break down had a positive effect on me even if it didn�t seem like it at the time. I did get to come out to my mom and brother, and I feel like a stronger person now. Even though my mom still hates me being gay, still thinks I�m going to hell and still �cries herself to sleep every night� because of me, I�m starting to be more okay with it. It�s her deal and her issues and I can�t force her, so I just have to let go even if it hurts.