"And I'm Billy Fucking Idol alright!!!!" --- Billy Idol introducing himself after introducing all the members of his band.

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June 27th 2001 � Had my iridology appointment today, get ready for a huge rant (I�m not kidding, if you had A.D.D. right now, you�d be skipping all this. If you �must�, go ahead, but don�t skip the second paragraph concerning Cunt, because it�s worth the read). Quite the experience I must say. First off, the lady was quite nice, and British! I proceeded to fill out a form charting my habits and stresses, etc. Then she looked it over and said the same thing the hypnosis lady had told me. My living situation of my mom not being happy with me being gay and my father not knowing because he�s shoot me or kick me out of the house is stressing me out, blah blah blah. Then she looked deeply into my eyes, in that holistic practitioner type way with a eye-magnifier and light, and charted what she saw on this big �eye� paper. She confirmed that I was a big worrier the first glance at my right eye which made us both chuckle. She also took my pulse and was surprised to find it being 102, to which she had a second look and it was about the same. What can I say? I always have a rather high pulse rate, even at rest. It wasn�t that surprising to me. Then after she was done she looked in her catalog of books to tell me a little about what she observed. Basically, since I�m of the brown-eyed ilk, and the way my iris is, I�m the type of person who stress effects physically. I.e. my leg cramping up because I�m stressed. And that my leg was allowing itself to cramp up as well as other physical sensations in my body because I�m also the type that gets rid of minerals and vitamins from my body quickly. Evidently my eyes can tell all of this, which is just amazing to me. ;] So I have a small deficiency which also made her upset that I don�t eat a lot of vegetables. Oops. Here�s the real interesting part though. To find out what kind of supplement to give me, she was going to apply kinesiology on my fingers to find out what my body needs (as it will tell her by being weak or not). So I put my arm on her rather nice glass table palm facing upward, and did as she instructed and pressed my thumb and middle finger together. She then got a lot of different bottles and laid them on the table. She told me that she was going to try and pull my fingers apart while at the same time she was going to ask questions in her head (not out loud mind you) as to what my body needs from the array on the table and it would tell her via my fingers if I need it or not. It was really an amazing, if not fake sounding approach. She ended up surreptitiously getting me to buy the two my body �told her� I needed which were Mineral Chi ($35.70) and Chalomile ($11.70). Coupled with the promised fee of $60, my appointment had already almost doubled to $110 something. Mineral Chi looks really brown and doo-doo-water looking but actually smells okay and promises a rather healthy outlook on life according to the bottle. Lets hope it works! And as per the norm it�s seeming like, she referred me to a friend of hers who is a therapist of some sorts and supposedly is really good and would be able to help me with my stress. She also costs $60 (as if they were just things I�m buying no less). I think I might go see her, but after I get a job. It just makes me wonder if I went to see her, if she�d refer me to one of �her� friends for me to spend my money on. Good thing I only buy gas for my car and Jack in the Box. Now onto much better things. :]

I just finished this awesome book I borrowed from my friend Rachel called Cunt: a declaration of independence. The author, Inga Muscio, is just amazing, astounding, and an all around cool sounding person. The book, as per its title, is really geared towards the female aspect of the spectrum, but I like to think of myself as a feminist (I am!) and I wanted to read it. The title comes from the fact that evidently cunt used to be a very positive and empowering word used for women in the olden days, where as now it�s very vulgar and negative. Inga Muscio wants to bring the positive aspect back and does so in a grand way. I couldn�t really relate to 90% of this book since I�m not a girl, but it did make me really want all my friends (who are girls except for Eric and minus Rachel since it�s her book) to read it. I even want to have a girl someday just so I can have her read this book and be a better woman for it. If you�re a girl, I highly recommend (and I don�t do this often!) finding this book, ordering this book, and reading this book. It�ll actually save you tons of money in the long run if you incorporate the ideas of tampon usage to your life. Though this book is really great, probably the best thing this book did was get my friend Rachel to get an interest in playing chess (to which I taught her). It�s a very small part of the book, probably two or three pages, but still. Chess is an awesome game and I wish more people played it. � chris

�With precious few exceptions, my girl friends either never learned how to play or said the same thing I always said, �I used to play when I was younger, but I haven�t played in a long time.� As if not having played �in a long time� is somehow grounds for continuing this trend. Throughout my non-chess-playing rehabilitation, this response started sounding like, �I used to enjoy honing my strategy and getting what I want by employing my vast intelligence, but that stuff just doesn�t interest me anymore.� Chess is a psychological exercise. It whets the brain for every conceivable means of self-protection.� � Inga Muscio

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June 25th 2001 - Not much happened today, but I did register for fall classes. Hopefully I'll be able to get my associates degree in a year. Which sucks because I've been going to Flo (a two year school) and it's taking me four years to graduate. It's actually my own fault, because I never talked to a counselor or declared what I'm trying to get a degree in. So while I was picking classes at random to try and get a lot of computer classes down because I want to go into Computer Science, I was basically killing my chances of getting that degree because the courses I was taking didn't go towards that degree. So now I'm forced to get a General Transfer Studies, Associates in Arts degree, which isn't that bad, but still. I could have been done with school a long time ago if I had just went to see a counselor. So anyone who's reading this and are going to college, see a counselor!! Don't be me and burn yourself out on school because you're lengthening the amount of time you have to spend there. So per my lil-sheet the counselor gave me, I'm taking the certain kinds of classes I'm supposed to which actually involves no math! woohoo! The book I was looking through and picking classes from (the dumb way) said I had to go up to Calc III, which I was not looking forward to. So now I'm taking Human Sexuality (heh), Water Aerobics (why not get that gym credit out of the way?), Intro to Philosophy, and Oral Communications I (I have no clue why I have to take this, I hate talking infront of people though so it might be a good thing). Hopefully I can still get this bank job which is 5-9 every night, but I will have 'no' social life at all until I can train my sleep schedule into liking 8 hours of sleep, a difficult thing to do indeed. I'm not looking forward to the location of the job, I hope to God there's a closer location than downtown because traffic is going to suck. I'm still walking my mile a day which I guess is good as my leg only mildly hurts now. I have that Iridology appointment this wednesday so that'll be interesting. At least the lady is British so it'll be cool listening to her explaining what the heck is going on in my eyes and body. So unless something interesting happens to write about tomorrow, I'll probably end up talking about the British lady on Wednesday. :] - chris

"Have you noticed that since I've been back, Eric hasn't done a damned thing again? It's very disconcerting to say the least. Maybe he's out in the world being macktacular again... ?"

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June 24th 2001 - Well, my week's been interesting. Tuesday I had to clean house because my grandma was coming to stay with us for a while because she has to have back surgery. I'm kinda worried about her. But I decided that I was sick of my mom giving me dirty looks every time I even brought up the fact that I was gay, and I was going to have a talk with her about it. Well, that talk didn't go so well. Probably if my mom wasn't Baptist or something, it would help, but otherwise, she thinks I'm probably going to hell, she cried a whole lot, and I felt like shit because I made her cry. I know I didn't 'make' her cry, me being gay and her hang-ups on the subject did, but it still sucks. There was more to the conversation, but I can't really remember all that much. Fast forward to Saturday and you get Pridefest in Saint Louis! The morning sucked because I was being rushed, I was really anxious about everything, I told my support group I'd work their booth from 1:30-3:30, and I had just woken up at 11:00. I end up getting sick a couple of times, finally get something in my stomach, take a xanex (I hate every time I take these because I don't want to need them), and go pick up people. Liz makes us late to the point I don't even get to pick up the last person on my list and I just high-tail it to Pridefest. Luckily the weather was awesome. The booth was okay, I ended up being able to leave to go pick up my last person and come back to finish up my time there. Then I had to take people home, and pick up 'another' person to come 'back' to Pridefest (3 times and counting, that's a ton of driving) and hang out for two more hours. I think I hyped Pridefest up a little more than I should have because it was almost disappointing to me. Don't get me wrong, the whole idea of it is awesome! All those gay people in one central location, showing people that they're not alone in this world as gay people was really uplifting. Basically it's my fault for not really being that active when it comes to things like that so I can take or leave practically anything. I did at least finally get an equality sticker for my car from the Human Rights Campaign people, so that was cool. I just don't know if I'll be able to put it on my car since I'm still not out to my dad due to the fact he'd shoot me or kick me out of the house. We all (even my mom) agree something is seriously mentally wrong with him, but who's gonna tell him that? Our family policy is "don't talk about anything because all subjects are better left untouched, and don't piss off dad". I was going to walk in the Pridefest parade with my support group but I decided against it because I really couldn't have woken up that early and been able to function and eat. I'm one of those people who just can't eat in the morning because I get sick. It's a really odd thing, and I only know a couple of people who have the same affliction. So I wimped out and decided to not go to the parade, but that I was still going to go to Pridefest again with my friend Mikey but I called him around 1:20 and no one answered, so I went shopping for pillows with my grandma. Fun filled day, woo oo. I hate being so cynical. ;] - chris

"No thanks, I don't need a triangle."

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June 18th 2001 - Odd couple of days to say the least. Not necessarily bad, but who knows. I went to a hypnosis center Thursday, thinking they could hypnotise me to stop worrying or something, HA! The lady was extremely nice but told me that hypnosis probably wouldn't solve my problems (and it costs 500 dollars) and my problems were probably stemming from the pure and simple fact that I'm gay. Wow lady, you're a genius. But that's not really a good explanation as to why my leg cramps up a lot, etc. To which she responds I may be magnesium deficient and gives me the card of this Iridologist woman who can look into your eye and tell you what's wrong with you. Sounds like fun. ;] Now I'm basically only doing all of this stuff as boredom sets in. Also, to try and help get myself back on track, I'm walking a mile a day (so far) and doing like 10 pushups (cuz I suck at those). If my leg doesn't start to feel better in two weeks then I'm calling my doctor, as then I would have deduced that obviously my leg is hurting not because I'm out of shape. To which my doctor will probably be like "oh, I have no clue what's wrong with you, but here's some drugs that'll screw up your rhythm! weee!!!". Can't wait. Oh, and I'm cutting back on my sleep habits as per the hypnosis-lady's suggestion (in addition to everyone else I know) because evidently getting 12 hours of sleep on a regular basis isn't healthy. Whatever. So now I've been getting about 7-9 hours of sleep and it's really.. not much different, but I think I get to sleep faster now. Other than all of that, I'm still trying to get a job, but me and the job keep "missing" each other in our wonderful week and a half game of phone tag. It's very annoying because if I don't get this job, I am so screwed beyond belief. I also saw Tombraider on Friday (opening night), twice. Such a good movie! Well, there was a couple of really corny bits, but that's to be expected. Angelina Jolie is just so awesome and was perfect for that part. And I have to be gay if Angelina does nothing for me. :[ The only thing else in my life worth documenting is the fact that I think I missed my chance at a relationship, sigh. This guy at my gay support group (according to Rachel) evidently was hitting on me and I just didn't know how to communicate that well with him, and he would always ask us if we were going to this coffee shop after group and talk to us, but last week he didn't at all. I'm a little disappointed, Rachel's more bummed about it than I am, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be and it'll teach me to react better in the situation later. It probably didn't help that he's a really busy guy and lives about an hour away from me. Lastly, my car is making a lot of odd noises, but I made a deal with my car that if it breaks down, I won't be able to fix it because I will have no money. So it has to stay alive till I get a job and enough money to fix it so it can break down all it wants to. I hope it listens to reason. Hope everybody had a good father's day and whatnot. - chris

"Jesus didn't turn water into wine, he turned water into 40's."

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June 12th 2001 - Look who's back from his sojourn to the Yukon, it's mr. serious! Just kidding. ;] It sure does take a while to not give a f-k who thinks what about anything. Today was pretty cool actually. My friend Liz is living at a childrens camp for the summer that's half an hour away so I can see her on her off days. I'm trying desperately to either a) find someone who will live with her so she can move back here from Memphis, or b) get a really good paying job so I can finally move out of my house so she'll move back with me. The second choice would have already been in progress but she decided to move to Memphis so she missed that boat, then I had to have my wonderful "breakdown" in which I took a semester off of school and quit my job because of panic attacks (they suck btw!). I guess in a way it was a good thing that it happened because I came out to a lot more people because obviously living "two different lives" is way too stressful on one mind and body to handle. Either way, finally I may be getting another job, but I'm not going to get my hopes up because I haven't talked to them just yet. I just know they called today while I was out. I really need a job because I'm a broke bloke right now. If people would pay me back the money they owe me I'd probably be well off for a while, but I have trouble getting my money back because those people always have "other more important things to spend their money on" at the time so basically I'm never getting my money back. Ah, I love borrowing indefinitely. Update on the scanner situation though! I recently got 'another' scanner (because Best Buy wouldn't take back the first one, bitches.. ahem, no I'm not bitter), and it still doesn't work so now it actually might just be the computer which my brother messed up, yay! Yay because it may just be the computer, which will take my brother forever to fix because he has two jobs and the free time he does have he spends on sleeping or something. And since I can't really think of that much more to write about, everyone should go to hotornot.com because that place is just really nice, especially when you're bored. I'm sure no one missed me, but it's great to be back. :] - chris

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June 8th, 2001 (via the brain of Eric)

ah well, tis the first rant that i have posted since Chris decided that he was TOO GOOD to put stuff on the site, or the opposite, that he didnt think that his stuff was good enough. so i feel so much pressure...weighing..down on..me, can't...breath..feel..as if..i must..be..creative..so everybody write chris and tell him to start writing! oh but no. he doesnt think so so he isnt going to add ANYTHING to the site any more. so great, its ALL up to me now. Chris' comp isn't working and now neither is Chris. I feel like a lil jedi knight after his Jedi master has died. okay, well yea thats my rant about that bit. because he doesn't want to add anything! i dont want this to be just MY site. that would suck. even though truthfully i have written almost everything on this site. but i wasnt FORCED to, now i am! and i dont work good when forced to do things, ask all the people who have kidnapped me. They will all tell ya "oh yea, he doesnt work when forced to." thats why they never sold me to slave miners. hmm, oh, good tip of the day, if your going to ride somebody's ass do it in a porn video, NOT on the highway!! GEEZE!! yes, lil old black women are cool, but not the one i came across today!! man! i swear this woman had a homing device on my car, because every lane i switched into, she switched into that one to and proceeded to resume ass riding position. and this other woman driving this behemoth of a SUV was just completely up this guys butt, couldnt have been more than three feet from his bumper going 70 miles an hour. but this lil old black woman in her white ford focus kept ridin everybody's ass. anyway, i just like the quote i put up there. ill make it the quote for this one. okay, yup i shall.

"if your going to ride somebody's ass, do it in a porn video, NOT on the highway!"

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June 4th 2001 (via the brain of Eric) Hey everybody! yup, im here at the library again, tis my alamo, my batcave, my french riviera on which i shall sail my ship of sonnets and dreams of adventures. Well there's my being Cyrano for the day. AWW! i think this guy here has a mail order bride. He is an elderly white man, and he has a young pretty somewhat asian looking girl hanging on him. now granted, im just assuming that he has she is a mail order bride, and we all know that when you assume, you make an ass out of you and Uma Thurman. ( i got that from Al Franken on SNL) but anyway, i think that they are writing mail, and they look all cute and happy, so even if he did order her via mail, if she is happy and he is nice to her, then all the happiness in the world. aww!! damn!! they're just cute!! she is giggling and hugging him, and he looks like a very nice man, so go them! aw, thats just too damned cute. I wonder how specific you can be when ordering a bride. "yes, i would like her to be 5'1, 105 pounds, long dark hair, a bachelors in Mediterranean anthropology from Brown University..blah blah blah" maybe i should try it sometime, but i dont know what i would do with a mail order bride. okay, yea THAT but i mean really, Anyway, subjucating women is bad. subjucating anybody is bad. unless you subjucate them nicely. but anyway, do you think that any old white man can pull off having a gorgeous young foriegn looking wife WITHOUT people thinking that she is a mail order bride? i mean this girl here looks quite happy to be with this man, so they might have just met and hit it off, but im just being assumptive here. and we all know, that when you assume you make an ass out of me and Batman, and we don't like being made asses of!! Especially Batman, because ya know...he's proud and all. always gotta have his pride. um, hmm, well anyway, i had lots more to write or rant about but we, or I had some problems with the website so i didnt think that i could add any more and that was hours ago and i can't remember what all i was going to say. Though im sure that i will remember it sometime. vio con dios! i think thats the right spelling. viva el mariachi!

"what is this, the Rapture!? Everybody's leavin but me!"

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June 3rd 2001 - Boring odd day. I've discovered that either my family -(minus my dad because he'd shoot me if he knew I was gay, literally, not figuratively. we have a gun rack over the futon.)- thinks that me being gay isn't that big of a deal, or I'm an embarrassment to the family. I already know my mom is against it because of the bible, of which we've yet to have our bible "war" as to who's right. I have my discussion ready but she just doesn't want to deal with it. She doesn't even want me to have a relationship ever. So I guess I can "be" gay, but just not a practicing gay. But the reason for my realization is that my brother has a new girlfriend and she was over today (the whole day!). They had just finished watching Coyote Ugly and she had one of the songs stuck in her head (not the main one) and was trying to have a moment with me by asking if I liked the movie too. I actually do in fact like the movie, but not for the "normal" reason. So she responds, "Oh of course you like the movie, all guys like that movie." Whereas if she had known I was gay, I'm sure she wouldn't have responded like that. It's not really a big deal, but obviously my brother never talks about me. I talk about my brother all the f-ing time! Granted it's usually about how he won't fix the computer, but he has his moments where he's cool and I tell people about it! Maybe it's just the whole topic of it that changes the circumstances, who knows. I wonder if other people have these problems. The world may never know. - chris

"If I end up getting a cold because my family doesn't know how to cover their mouths when they cough, I'm not going to be happy."

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June 2nd 2001 - Ah, I haven't ranted in a while. Mainly because nothing much is happening in my life at the moment. I'm finally sleeping without the aid of over the counter or perscription drugs, I'm this close to going to a hypnosis center to hopefully stop worrying so much (supposedly it works, who knows), and I just sent my resume into this job I hope to get that has awesome hours 5-9 (cuz I can't wake up before noon for 'anybody') and all I do is type numbers into a computer. They said since they won't hire me just for the summer I'll have to stay on through school (which sucks) but that people can make 15-18 dollars per hour! I really hope I get that job and can make that money. Then maybe I can move out of my house and live with Liz because that's the only way she'll move from Memphis to come back here. At the moment though, she's at least closer than the five hour drive it is to Memphis because she's working the summer at a camp with Kim. What does that mean, you ask? That I'm completely f-ing bored!! Only because they have to live on the camp and hardly get any time off, so I'm stuck here doing absolutely nothing because my other friends have full time jobs in order to survive. *sigh* Tonight's the Galaxy Rock Meats William concert at the Galaxy and I really want to go (especially now that I'm saved 2 bucks on the cover since I'm 21 now!) because Morgan sings really well and stuff, but I don't want to go by myself. So if I can't find anyone I may have to just wait till next time. :[ 13 more days till I get to see Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider!! Ahh, can't wait. She's so sexy, even to this non-liking girls type person. - chris

"How much is too much of an age difference in the person you're dating, and is it rude to exclaim that age difference every time you talk about those people?"

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June 1st- wow! its the first of June. Thats amazing. Time really does go by fast, though it doesnt seem like summer just yet. But thats probably because i havnt gorged myself on flintstones push up pops yet. Just yet. I wonder if you eat a flinstones push up pop with flinstones vitamins and fruity pebbles on it if while watching the flintstones if you will some how transport yourself back in time to when they were around. well anyway, I'm kinda bored. Chris is on at the moment, but then again, he isnt. I think he has been idle for a bit and isnt talking to me. so i put a big rant on the IM, should he ever read it. OOH and speaking of idle, BILLY IDOL IS COMING TO ST. LOUIS!! KICKASS!! yup, either june 24th or the 25th. smashing! you know what, i want to use the phrase "rank whore" for something, so im going to say: I'm bored. Ah, boredom; rank whore of inspiration. or something like that. at least i got to say rank whore. well i could go into a rant about how whores might have ranks, but two rants in row about hookers might just be too much. emphasis on might. im still unsure. the jury is out of the box, the conductor is off the trolly. okay im done. yea, its fun to put stuff on the website and not tell chris about it. I feel like a ninja. a computer literate ninja. damn, im sick of turnin around. i keep turning around to see if someone is here, but they aint. im not at home, library. but still. they dont need computers facing walls of sorts, they should be out looking over the entire library. those would be good, so maybe ill change computers, yes i shall! so have fun everybody!

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