January 2003

January 27th 2003- Chris' dad IS crazy!! This is eric here, and that man is nuts!! Yea, i wasnt there for when he said they should go and shoot everybody in the hopes that they might find the perp who took the plates, and good point to chris for pointing out that his dad hates criminals, but feels that mass murder revenge killing is justified. His dad is the Punisher!! But also, to attest also to the fact that his dad is COMPLETELY insane, lately he has been getting on the computer and spending very long times on it, while Chris and I are in the computer room hanging out, and his dad sucks out all the fun, like a great big no fun vortex. So Chris' mom comes home and she has some fast food for Chris, so he is about to go get it and his dad asks "did you get food?" and she replies "yea, i got some for Chris and me, but i got two cheese burgers, you can have one if you want." Now, the normal, sane person would say either one of two things, "yea, thanks, ill take one." Or "no, thats okay. Thanks though" Or things to that degree, what does Chris' dad do? FLIPS OUT!!! He just goes crazy, going on and on about it saying "NO!! I dont want one. If had wanted one, i would have asked you to get me one. Did i ask you to get me one? Not to my knowledge. I dont want a cheese burger. I dont want one." Chris' mom: "Okay, I'm just saying.." Chris' dad: "And im saying i dont want one. Look, listen to me, if i had wanted one, i would have asked you to get me one. Did i ask you to get me one? No. So i dont want one." Chris' (INCREDIBLY patient) mom: "I'm not saying you have to eat it." Chris (INCREDIBLY INSANE) dad: "And im saying im not going to!! Listen to me, I didnt ask you to get me a cheese burger, so what do you think that means? I think that means i dont want one. Now, i dont know what that means to you, maybe we speak another language, but im saying i dont want one." Chris' mom: just walks off. Chris' dad: "But if your not going to eat it, then i'll take one." WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? All she did was offer him a patty between two buns and the man FREAKS OUT!?!?! Granted, this wasnt all verbatim, but pretty damn close, and maybe you can get a feel for how completely insane his dad gets over stuff. I dont know how his mom can handle that cause i would have put a pitch fork through his eye DECADES ago. But that's just me.

"Chris' dad is the Punisher!! No..wait...i think the Punisher shows restraint and sanity sometimes. Yea, Chris' dad is just crazy."

January 25th 2003 - I have had quite a day! I can't even say 'what' kind of day because that would be generalizing and I don't feel like doing that. I feel like specificizing! Okay, so I in fact did get a different car (through no help from YOU ALL thank you very much. ;]) and I'm pretty damned happy about it. It pretty. Sadly though I don't know how to drive it yet because it's a manual transmission. ANYHOW. So earlier today my parents went to the store and when they got back my mom was supposed to teach me to drive, BUT then Rachel called outta no where and asked if I wanted to go to the art museum with her cuz they had this really cool gallery set up by this woman Christine somethingorother... anyway, it was cool and we walked around the art museum a bit longer. Well Rachel got thirsty so we treked around to try and find a water fountain for her. First off, we passed by the information place they have in the center area off to the side and there was a really hot boy working so that was nice for me. I have no clue why but I'm subconciously attracted to guys with that whole "red face" thing. Gah, anyway, that's not the point of this tale. SOOoo, we actually DO find a water fountain. The ONLY water fountain in the entire museum next to their stupid souvenier shop and eating place where they probably want you to BUY water or something. Well right next to the water fountain they had this childrens art exibit that was all Egyptian drawings, like hieroglyphics, sarchofogi (plural??), and those urn-like things they keep the organs in. I'm pretty sure Eric knows what they're called but he's not HERE right now! He's actually supposed to be, but whatever, he probably has better things to do, phhtt. Okay, so here's the hilarious part, we're just innocently looking at all the CHILDRENS DRAWINGS of these things and we see all kinds of stupid little sayings written all around them like "Oh Mummy... get an afterlife." Yeah, it was pretty dumb. BUT, then we see this sarchofigus .. okay I'm just going to look up how to spell that damned word, gimme a sec. All right, it's sarcophagus, great new knowledge for me, yay. :] So yeah, this sarcophagus drawing has BREASTS and right in the middle of the picture, under the breasts it says "hey, nice boobies!" .. THEN to the right of that sarcophagus, probably down like four or so, there's this sarcophagus smoking a JOINT!! Oh, but that's not the kicker, I turn around because I'm laughing sort of and I just couldn't look at the filth any longer and what do I see on the OTHER wall of drawings?? A drawing of a penis with testicles!!! I'm not talking, that 'might' be a penis and testicles, this WAS a penis with testicles. Almost freaking life sized or something! By then Rachel turned around cuz I told her to look and we were both laughing histerically so we had to leave because parents and children were looking at us weirdly. I SERIOUSLY don't think they had a right to though because, come on, look what their children are drawing damnit!!!! And doesn't the art museum SCREEN these entries?!!!?! GAH! So, you'd think that would be the end of my hilarious day, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?!?! Well no. So we leave the art museum only after being there for an hour and as we're walking back to my moms car, I'm looking at it oddly and ask Rachel.. "Does it look like my mom's car is missing.. say.. a license plate?" To which Rachel said it did look sort of like that. Well yes, we were right. While we were in the art museum, someone had snatched my mom's license plates!!! How f-ing ghetto is that?!?!? They didn't even do a GOOD job of it. The front one they pretty much just ripped and it came off completely but took the backing half off. The rear one they could only get the last letter off, which is I guess what they were after .. the stupid experation year sticker. Man, so that was really retarded and pissed me off. THEN, (this just shows you how insane and crazy my father is), after I came home and he was talking about the people stealing the plates, he said "well you know what I'd do.. I'd just go there and start shooting random people till I eventually killed the person who took the plates. I know I get angry, but those people just need to be shot. I hate criminals." WTF?!?!? He hates criminals, but killing random innocent people is FINE?? And he also thinks that homicide is a just punishment for stealing a license plate. Oh, and in case you're thinking "his dad was just joking", I'm telling you that he is not. Eric can attest to how crazy my dad is. Ah fun.. then I went to work and had a really fun time, but now Eric's here so I'm gonna take off because I haven't told him what happened today yet. I told you first website. :] - chris

January 20th 2003-The first day of the rest of our lives!! i assume. That would really be the case if i had a nuclear bomb and detonated it because i didnt get enough sleep and thought the detonator was the snooz button on my alarm clock! Whoo boy wouldn't that be a hoot. Or a hooth. Is it a hoot or a hooth? Kind of like toot or tooth, but i dont know why anybody would say toot sweet and not tooth sweet, because teeth are hurt by sweet things, and trains have nothing to do with anything, other than my obsession with Thomas the Tank engine. He's HOT!! I wouldnt say something like "wow, thats the sound a steam powered locamotive makes sweet!" because you would assume that steam powered locamotives would have the ability to make sounds sweet to the ear and taste, which is just crazy! Oh im going to hate my math class so much, but if i dont pass it and the other math classes that i need to take i cant transfer to a 4 year college, such as the art institute of chicago with a degree and the art institute will tear apart all my classes and take all they want!! DAMN YOU MATH! So im going to have to get to work on math, even though i hate my teacher because he looks like he smokes more pot than cheech and chong and willie nelson put together. But i wont let that get me down. You know why!? Because hobos kill people, and that's enough to get anybody down.

"oh, this was Eric by the way, or did you not know? Did you really not know? Really? Wow. Really!? Thats amazing. Truly amazing."

January 19th 2003- Hey its Eric here! After a long hiatus. I think its been long. Its been so long i grew a beard, and the website grew a handle bar moustache! And now i taunt it all day long because it grew merely a moustache and i grew a great big long beard. I look like a wizened wizard, and the website looks like a porn star. Wouldnt have it any other way! And speaking of ways that should be and arent, and ways that arent and should be, lets talk about the prospect of reality, and our abilities to change our lives and realities, and the chances that we all recieve that could lead to lasting change in every one's life. Reality is, as they say, what we make of it, if you believe in yourself to do something, you can, and as also said, in that great movie "crouching tiger hidden dragon", " a true heart makes dreams come true." Reality is ever changing, because reality is based upon each person's view of it at that time, so thus with every new experience, reality becomes something new to that person, and so thus we should seek these experiences in our hopes to better understand the constant flux that is reality. So im watching "Super Friends" on cartoon network last night, and Aquaman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are all somehow tricked into an alternate reality by a super villian, and this reality is actually Oz, the land, not the HBO show. So Superman becomes the tin man, Aquaman becomes the Scarecrow, and Wonderwoman becomes the Cowardly lion. What were they thinking!? Okay, so it would have been awesome if it were made up these ways: Aquaman is the tin man, and he cant go into water, which he needs to do to survive, because he will rust and sink to the bottom! And Superman could have been either the Scarecrow, because straw is very soft and flimsy, OR he could have been the Cowardly Lion. What better irony than to have the strongest man in the world, or universe, as a scared lion. But i guess they dont think the way that i do!! But here is where reality bites the big one, because as we all know, it is really possible that Superman, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman would be sucked into an alternate reality depicting a movie from the 40's. BUT, Wonder Woman falls down a hole and finds herself in an underground swamp, which oddly enough does not look underground at all seeing as how THERE IS A MOON OVER THE SWAMP!! But she is being chase by some wolf things, and she climbs up a tree. She WOULD use her magic golden lasso to do something to them, but it doesnt work in Oz. Aint that a bitch. So INSTEAD, she peels off a GIANT piece of bark from the tree, ties her lasso around it, throws it into the air like a kite, the wind, IN THIS UNDERGROUND CAVERN/SWAMP, catches it, then lightening hits the bark AND the lasso, which she throws down onto the wolves and electrocutes them....................WHAT!?!??!?!? Okay, its a cartoon. Crazy ass things happen in cartoons in the land of Oz, let me tell you. But then later in the adventure, they come up to the Wizard's castle thingamagig, and its gigantic, so super man find a key under a mat or something, throws it in the air and the key miraculously finds its way into the key hole. And then here's the kicker, they need some way to turn it, but since they dont have their powers, apparently super man cant fly, but he can th row a big ass key 50 feet in the air, so wonder woman says "I hope this works" and throws her lasso around the key and pulls it, turning it and opening the door. You hope this works? YOU HOPE THIS WORKS?!?!? YOU TURNED A FUCKING PIECE OF BARK INTO AN ELECTRIC DEATH KITE, AND YOUR SURPRISED THAT YOU COULD TURN A KEY WITH A ROPE!?!??! Reality folks, thats all i ask for. Its like those damn dinosaurs in the land before time series. If they have any more sequels they're going to be running into civilizations before too long! "land before time, the pharoh speaks!" or "land before time, that tricerotops chick marries Henry the 8th!" or "Land before time, 3 days of love and peace at woodstock!" DAMN THOSE UNDYING DINOSAURS!!! Okay so im not all upset about it. Its just funny to bring up. Exept for those dinosaurs. They really stick in my getalong craw. stupid stinking rat faced highlander dinosaurs. there can be only one my ass, there can be only fourty thousand sequels! Who do they think they are, tupac? they aint tupac, cheap bastards. i should eat their babies. Look who can do font size changes!!! ME!!!

January 16th 2002 - Ha Ha Ha, I am such a putz. I skipped the first class of my Macroeconomics class because it was the first day and it's just too damned early in the morning. But I did go today so all is back to normal. What's that? How goes my on going search for cars? Crappy! Thanks for asking! Nah, I guess it's not going that badly, but still. I test drove a Saturn with my mom because at the current juncture I can't drive a manual transmission, and frankly.. the guy who is trying to sell me the car AND the car itself just freaks me out! The car is dark green with a really nasty old people colored beige interior with bits of glossy fake wood panelling. Plus it just 'smelled' like old people and death suffocating in a skittles bag. Yes it was that gross. Not that cool "new car smell" that is really nice and interesting that sort of smells like new shoes somewhat, but this car was NASTY. The car itself was actually probably really cool, but I'm not going to get it. More than likely to their chagrin because I already filled out all the paperwork (because they MADE me!). They hadn't even told me what my monthly payments are going to be yet and it's like I already own the car. Yeah whatever, they're in for a surprise if they think that one. Hopefully none of those things I signed says I must buy the car regardless of my financial situation or I'll just bomb them all to hell. But now I'm going to look at a Suzuki on Friday which looks a lot cooler and is a bit cheaper. Plus talking to the guy on the phone was way better than the freaky guy and this other random guy I called inquiring about mileage on a Jetta. I swear, all I wanted to know was the mileage of the car and he traps me into a 10 minute conversation that could have lasted 1. It was sort of funny though because he really seemed to want to sell me a car badly since he was rambling off his entire inventory. I told him I was looking for a subaru and then a suzuki and he actually said to me "Wow, you have some weird taste in cars. I thought I had every car out there until I talked to you." Which could just be bull and he's trying to talk me up or something, but I finally got a word in edgewise and said thanks for helping but I'll just keep looking. Geez, and I thought looking for a car would be hassle free. ;] Ah well. So now I have to get ready for work, then school 'again'. I wonder what Eric's up to since he isn't updating the site. Probably being macktacular as always. So what if I only said that so I could use that word again. - chris

"'Mr Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a fossilized underwater archipelago?'

'Go away kid or I'll scratch your eyes out like they were field mice.'"

January 13th 2002 - Ah.. first day of school. What can I say but really stupid and uneventfull and REALLY FAR PARKING SPACES!!! Geez, not only did it take me about 20 minutes to find a parking space but said space was across the entire f-ing campus from where I wanted to be for class! Good thing I got there early. I also didn't even know where the building I wanted to be in was located because my school doesn't mark their buildings very clearly. Maybe I missed the day where they install that location chip in your brain that helps with direction. Anyhow, so far school seems like it's going to still be difficult and I haven't even been to all my classes! I'm almost positive that C++ II is going to be f-ing difficult because my previous teacher SUCKED! Our current teacher now is sort of pissed off because he just found out that our previous teacher didn't teach us a damned thing about pointers so that's going to set us back like two weeks or something. Wish I could just go back in time and take a different C++ class so that I'd actually LEARN that shit! I probably couldn't even code a simple adding program right now let alone the complex shit this guy wants us to do. Sigh. Anyhow, since they did let us out freakishly early today being the first day and all, I have to clean my house because it's filthy and then go work out. Yay for me. - chris

"Ah, it's not like you guys read this anyway."

January 10th 2002 - Damn I've been not writing rants for a while. And I completely have two or three in my brain and everything! So around December 27th or so Liz and I went to go see our friends' band. He's not 'in' the band, but he their manager so I guess it's his band. He does a whole lot for them and they're pretty good. Anyway, so we go there and have a great time while drinking ecstatically. I had about three long island ice teas and I was GONE!! It was also damned cheap since they were only 3 bucks each. Either way, the really odd thing about that night was that I completely at random saw the first guy I ever thought was cute. Nothing really eventfull happened other than Liz went to the bathroom and I accompanied her but since everyone else in the place was drunk too, the other girls in the room didn't really care much since I'm gay. Girls are so cool. :] As for my new year, it was also pretty uneventfull because Eric and I just chilled here and watched Cartoon Network's Adult Swim's New Years Bash where they showed a bunch of Sealab 2021, The Brak Show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force (which is hilarious!), and I think Harvey Birdman. Sadly they didn't show any Home Movies which is my favorite cartoon of the Sunday Adult Swim lineup. Oh, I was also playing this Tiger Woods golf game that my brother had gotten for christmas. Who would have thought that golf would be addicting!? Then on the 2nd of January, Liz and I and a couple of other friends went to see our friends' band again at a different venue and it was still pretty cool. We played around four games of pool before hand so we were happy, cuz we like pool. And chess. =] The band on before them was really good too even though we got there when they were playing their last two songs. The crazy thing is that they drove 14 HOURS just to get to here because they're from Penn State. If you're curious the band's called NorthStar Drive, but sadly I couldn't seem to find any damn mention of them on the internet. How are they supposed to sell cd's and stuff if they don't even have a simple webpage?! I mean, sure, I could have bought a cd at the show, but I didn't have any money then! Our friend Tina was also flirting with a couple members of the band after they were done and she said they were pretty nice. I don't know if she asked them if they had ying ying (I think that's what it's called) which supposedly is some great beer from Pennsylvania, but I think that was another interest of hers. And now we're back at the present, in which I'm currently involved in trying to get a new car. Do you know how difficult it is to try and get a car when you're just doing it by yourself?!?! VERY! Especially when you're working, still trying to see your friends every ONCE in a while, and then to top it all off, school is starting up again monday. So I'll have even LESS time to try and find a car. Now normally if I ran the world, I'd have a car for the price I want, but I don't run the world and the world is cruel in it's ability to price things. My price range is around $10,000 since I'm poor and can't afford a larger monthly payment than 200, and they're all trying to give me cars with 330 monthly payments! Damnit people I just CAN'T!! I work at a really crappy job that only nets me about 300 a month. Can't I even just keep a measily 100 dollars a month for myself which would either way go towards paying my increasing school/car debt off or insurance (of various types since I'm losing the family insurance in May)?!?! So yeah, I'm not exactly having fun right now. Eric suggested that I ask you the viewers (HA! like we get viewers) to donate money to me since other websites supposedly do it and actually make money. BUT I don't know exactly how to go about doing that, and who knows if people would actually just fork over their hard earned dollars to someone else just because they have a hilarious website that hardly anyone takes the enormous amount of time to go through the entire thing. ;] Though, if you are interested in helping, sign the guestbook or send us an email and say so because I'm just damned curious as to whether Eric's idea would actually work. Well, now I'm off to pay for school with the money they're loaning me in really stupid disbursements which don't exactly allow me to pay on the days they wish me to pay, and then possibly look for another car and then other errands. Yay! - chris

"Death is my shaveist!! HAHAHAHaahahah... ahem.. yeah."

January 7th 2002- WOW!! Its already 2003!! I never thought i would live to see the world of 2098, but here i am, already at 2003!! Only 95 more years to go!! HOT DAMN! Well, since this is the first rant of the new year, and the first rant on the web page in a long time, or at least in a week or two, since this is the first week of 2003, lets make this one a doozy!! Oh this is Eric by the way. But you knew. Because i had you at hello. Or Wow. Or whatever i started this rant off with. LETS BEGIN!!

IT'S PURE PANDAMOANIUM!!

Whoever said that Snoopy Doggy wasn't a great sales person for videos containing footage of young inebriated women showing their homangalooloo's obviously doesn't know what a great sales person Snoopy Doggy is for videos containing footage of young inebriated women showing their homangalooloo's!! I fell asleep one night, as opposed to staying awake waiting to pounce upon prey, and the television was on. As i woke up, i realized that on the telly was an infomercial about the Girls Gone Wild series, highlighting the new installment, Girls Gone Wild, Doggy style!! With your host..SNOOP DOGG!! This must be a testatmint to either Snoop Dogg's state of self control or his penchant for being really really high, because the man was so relaxed!! The greatest quote came when his tiny little head popped up in the corner of the screen, with no body attached to it mind you, and he said something along the lines of, and read this very very slowly, as all syllables were pronounced that way "Its the wild show meets the big dowg show. Its pure pandamoanium." Picture a sloth that can talk, and then picture that sloth really really really doped up, and you have Snoop Dogg! Hawking his videos. Granted, these videos don't really require a very charismatic pitch person, they are pretty charismatic themselves. Though it would have been alot funnier if Snoop Dogg's talking head were placed strategically over the nitty gritty parts instead of blurring them out. But i do have to say, that these videos are outrageous. I mean, just completely unbelievable that people would do these things, and then there are people who would film them!! After watching a few minutes of this, i was absolutely repulsed, shocked, and appalled that the videos would take 4 to 6 weeks to reach me. I MEAN REALLY!! We're living in the communication age!!

SHOW DOWN IN THE HUNDRED ACRE WOODS!!!

I saw the movie "Catch Me If You Can" the other day, and i really liked it. It was good movie, and just a fun movie to go see. But it is absoulutely WORTH the price of admission to see Christopher Walken, who is always great and always hilarious, say this, the greatest bit of Christopher Walken spoken dialouge, and im going to type it as he would say it, so you can feel like you were there in the theater with me, eating my popcorn and feeling me up! YOU CAD!!

"Once....there were these two mice....that fell..into a bucket of cream....one mouse...quickly drowned...but the other mouse...he struggled...so much..that..he turned that cream into butter...and crawled out."

Isn't that great!? And its a good good movie. Its called "fast times at ridgemont high". Oh wait, no its Catch Me If You Can!! Which i CAN!!

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