• June  2003 
  Below is a speech I gave to the 2003 Waconia High School Graduating Class, I was then presented with a yearbook and a graduation sash. Graduation Day there was a table with 2 yellow roses in vases, one for Chris and one for another young man who died as well.
  
  Each graduate also carried a yellow rose and as they approached the podium to receive their diploma they placed their yellow rose on the table. It was a beautiful site with all the roses piled on the table in rememberance of those young men.
  
  Handprints
  
  When Mark called me and asked if I would like to speak tonight, I don’t think the words “I’d be honored to” came out fast enough.
  As I hung up the phone my honor quickly turned to panic. What will I say? There is so much I could say, so much I would like to say, but what should I say? So I prayed. I prayed for God to bring me the words to express to you this evening.
  
  He gave me these words came to me in an awakening hour of 1:41 am on Monday, May 12.
  
  My family became part of the district 110 family over 13 years ago; Ric Dressen was then the principal at Southview Elementary. It was partly because of him that I knew I wanted my kids to grow up in this community, but mostly because of the community bond I felt.
  
  I look around and see the faces of many of you that I have watched grow up since kindergarten.
  
  I recall times of baseball, basketball and football games both won and lost.
  
  Long weekend basketball tournaments with our free time spent lounging around Becker Furniture World, or simply sitting at tables talking and sharing.
  
  Track meets spent in both the sun and cold watching as you run the fastest, jump the highest and throw the farthest.
  
  I recall birthday parties and sleepovers with kids sleeping in tents and sudden tornado warnings coming with all of us huddled in the basement waiting with fear and anticipation.
  
  I see the faces of some of you that have shared with me the joys and sorrows of your loves won and lost.
  
  I see the faces of a few of you that have shared with me your fears of bad relationships, bad choices and even the fear of your future.
  
  What I have learned, is that memories are a form of immortality. Those you remember never die. They continue to walk and talk with you. Their influence is with you always.
  
  So when I look around I see parents, teachers, coaches and classmates who have shared laughter and love with Chris, and pain and grief with me, John and Ben when we all lost Chris.
  
  I look around, I see Chris. I see Chris alive in the spirit of so many of you.
  
  Each time a teacher, coach, leader, parent or kid calls me and asks me to participate in a special moment in your lives, I see Chris.
  
  Each time one of you kids calls me and asks me to dinner so we can catch up, or simply remember when… I see Chris.
  
  When you come to Ben’s birthday party to help with baiting fishhooks, casting lines or removing fish for the little kids, I see Chris.
  
  When you see Ben and take time to play with him or talk to him, I see Chris.
  
  When you write letters to keep in touch with John, I see Chris.
  
  When you stop by my house before prom so I can be the one to pin on your flower and take a picture with you, I see Chris.
  
  And in the years to come when the phone rings and on the other end I hear “Missy, I’m getting married” or “Missy, I’m going to be a dad or mom” I will still see Chris.
  
  You see because as we go through our lives there are those who simply pass through and there are those who leave their handprints on our hearts.
  
  So many of you have left your handprints on my heart. The simple words “Thank you” never seem to convey how I feel. You are an awesome group of young men and women. I know that as you continue on with your future, that you will continue to share your gifts of love and compassion with the new relationships you will form. You will continue to leave your handprints.
  
  To the parents, educators, coaches and leaders of the class of 2003. I look around and am once again reminded of the words “It takes a community to raise a child”, I lift my glass to you, the community and simply say “Well done”, you have raised a remarkable group of kids, it is because of you that we can all look around and be proud of what we see.
  
  And to you, the class of 2003.
  What can I say?
  I love you all.
  
  As each of you embark on new journeys, make the most of your time, treasure each moment, take time to remember a touch, a feel a smell or an emotion, because there will come a time in your life when those simple things, will be the handprints on your heart.
  
  And always remember Chris is not gone, he is here with us, he lives on in each of you and as you move on through your future, day by day, don’t forgot you leave your handprints on those you encounter
  
  
  
  
• September  10, 2002 
  Here I sit on the eve of the 9-11 anniversary and my selfish thoughts run rampid, I have lost a child, a son from my loins, yet the world mourns the loss adult, HOW can I feel so selfish?
  
  Yet each day I feel like I am falling apart, I am expected to keep it all together.  I have raised my sons alone so far, and I am still expected to keep our lives together and do it all alone.  HOW??  I am not a magician, losing my son kills me deep in my heart and soul, he was my angel in life and now he is in death.
  
  Why must I bear the intense pain alone?  WHY??  WHY, can't his father be here with me to carry this burden?  Why can't he help me to make it through each day?  Why can't he help our remaining "live" son's live on?
  
  I hate waking up each morning knowing I can never go into his room to talk to him, and to tell him to have a nice day at school.  I hate waking up and knowing  that right now he would be enjoying his senior year of high school and we would be planning his college and graduation party.  He deserved all of it and SOOOOOO much more.
  
  He should be here to help Ben make it through his first year of school.  I HATE THIS.  I HATE ALL OF THIS.  IT HURTS SO BAD WHEN, DEAR GOD, WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO GO ON, HOW, HOW CAN I EVER GO ON?????
  Nigh, Nigh, Love You, See You , Sweet Dreams, KISS, KISS.
  
  I shall miss you forever my baby boy, my angel son, my dear, dear soul.
  
  
• June 19, 2002 
  Hello honey.  Today is just 2 short days and just a wee 48 hours away from 1 year!!!  Oh my God, where did one year go??  I have not coped, I have not accepted, I have not dealt with losing you.  I continue to do whatever I have to do to avoid the reality that life has dealt me.  I do not know how to go on.  I do not know how to live life.  My life has always been devoted to my children, but since one was ripped from my soul without reason or comprehension I am a lost person, not knowing where I belong or where I should be.  Those that have not been in this elusive group of bereaved parent, say, enough is enough, come on, you have other children to live for, you have to move past this, you have to accept this, it has been enough time, now move on.  
  
  How can they even begin to comprehend, I so often want to explain, but there are no words that can truly explain the loss of a child, and the life you try to live after such a loss.    Who can tell me what is right?  Who can take my hand and walk me along the path of righteousness?  I envision my path to release as one that is blocked by a HUGE boulder and in order to move that boulder I need God and Chris at my side, together we can move it.  But how do I get all three of us together??  
  
  Where are you my baby boy.  I want so badly to hear your voice.  I know, I know, I know you are in a better place.  You are free from pain, sorrow and all of earths problems and issues, but damned it the selfish mommy in me wants you here beside me to hold.  It is not fair that a child is ripped from their parents arms.  I have read the following:

  ......I said, "God, my son died."
  And God said, "So did mine."

  I said, "God, it is such a loss."
  And God said, "I saw my son nailed to a cross."

  I said, "God, but your loved one lives."
  And God said, "So does yours."

  I said, "God, where are they now?"
  And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light."
  
  How peaceful and wonderful are those words.  Yet in this logical world I live in there are still times that I feel so selfish and say I don't care about all of that, I just want my son with me, I want him by my side until I grow old and die, like we all expect life should be.
  
  Was it God who called my child to Heaven?  Was it the negligence of the lifeguards who called my child to Heaven?  Did my child suffer?  What did he go through his last moments?  Did he feel pain?  Why?  Why? Why?  Why should, or would, God put any person in this situation?  I don't want to be strong.  I don't want to hear "god does not give us anymore than we can handle", well I am sorry but I sure don't feel I can handle any of this, nor if given a choice would I accept it. 
  
  

• May 2, 2002 
  
  Hello Angel baby.  Today is 45 weeks, 45 weeks ago at this time 10:07pm, I was lying in the hospital holding you tightly and never wanting to let you go, crying, screaming saying "he's just a baby".  Now today, I tell your story to a very special group of parents who have also lost a loved one so precious to them, their child.  It is horrible that we are all thrust into this nightmare and this group that is only for the sacred few of "Bereaved Parents".  I continually question, why have we been chosen, why has our child been chosen?  There are no answers except this was God's plan for us.  We struggle to comprehend, but there is no real comprehension.
  
  Yesterday I met Meghan at the Track and gave her the waterfall for your picture and she told me some of the details of the memorial service that is planned tomorrow at the track meet.  I immediately began to shake with panic, one part of me is so very, very honored to be your mother another says "DAMN IT" he was my child, he should be here, but then what a selfish, selfish thought.  After that I had to come home and prepare for my discussion of you, your life and death to our "Special Group".  That was extremely hard.  I feel so very, very blessed to have been given the short time I had with you, but really, what is time, just a moment.  It is not relevant at all.  The depth of loss is not determined by time, but by the depth of the love, and every parent has a depth of love for their child that is immeasurable.  Therefore, our loss is also immeasurable.
  
  I did it though, I spoke of you, how very honored I am to be your mother (I almost wrote, "have been" but I still am, there is no Have Been).  You impacted my life and the lives of so many more than I could have impacted yours.  You are a special child from the moment of conception and still today.
  
  I talked, shook, cried and was very scared, and yes at times was very angry to tell your (my) story.  But I did it!  And if one person was touched, affected or had a moment of understanding, then I will continue to speak as much as I can.  Your death how very tragic, how very preventable and how horrible, I PROMISE WILL NOT BE IN VAIN.  I will make a change, if I have to go and go until I am eating rice for every meal, I will accomplish change.  There shall not be another death as preventable as yours as long as I live.
  
  I came home to read the local paper and am once again touched by such an AWESOME community, there is a very distinctive note on the sports page (www.waconiapatriot.com) that details the information about your memorial at the Track Meet tomorrow (May 3, 2002), it states "Chris Rueben remembered at Lions' Invitational this Friday"  "Chris Rueben, a late Wildcat track and field athlete, has been remembered throughout this season by black arm bands worn by the Waconia team.  His mother will be presented with several items at the Lions' Relays at Bayview Elementary School this Friday in an additional tribute to Rueben, who died last June in a swimming accident at Lake Ann in Chaska.
  
  WoW!  What powerful words that bring both tears of pain and tears of joy!  I am truly so blessed to be living in a community that still appreciates the value of human life and what the term community means.  I am reminded of the words I believe spoken by the past First Lady, Hilary Clinton, "It takes a community to raise a child".  Chris, my dear beloved, angel son, you truly have been raised, loved, cared for and now continue to be remembered by a true community.  Thank You, EVERYONE, for making Chris the awesome young man he became.  I love you more than any words can possibly express.  I shall close with the words I have said to you each and every night.
  
  Nigh, Nigh, Love You, See You , Sweet Dreams, KISS, KISS.
  Note for everyone:  This has been a goodnight ritual for me and my children
  The "original" goodnight was:  Nigh, Nigh, Love You, See You, Mornin, Sweet Dreams, KISS KISS.
  I continue the "original" goodnight with my living children, but the "modified" version is continued to be said to Chris, in addition to asking him to sleep with us.
  
  
• March 16, 2002 
  
  Oh baby boy, today I received the KARE 11 video tape that should have been sent to the new attorney.  OK, so I received it first, I had to watch it even though the old attorney's assistant said all it was is the ambulance arriving at the scene, I had to watch it.  And of course it was more than that.  It included someone doing CPR on you and the lifeguards standing by....
  
  Oh honey that hurt so bad!  I want to capture your last moments but am I really ready to accept this as your last moments??  NO!  NO!  NO!  NO!   I don't know.... what do I do...?
  
  Chris, I don't know what to do, it hurts me so bad.  I miss you so much.  I miss watching you with Ben, I miss watching your sports and you.  It hurts sooooooo very, very bad.  I watched your memorial video and I listen to the music and it truly is "why the good die young"  WHY OH WHY!!!   You are now my angel baby.... But WHY????  Why YOU?
  
  
• February 21, 2002 
  Today was kindergarten registration and it hurt so very, very bad every time I thought about seeing you in Southview or seeing you showing Ben around the school introducing him to Mr. Sayles, it pained me.
  
  Even though I knew you were with us spiritually, Good Ole' Dependable Mikey was there for us physically.
  
  As I sat there crying through all the different situations they discussed it hurt so bad.  As they showed the math class  and the problems the Kindergarten would be bringing home and I could not help but think of Ben coming home from school and you helping him with his homework.
  
  I kept seeing you there showing Ben around the school.   And then I see the teachers and nobody wanting to say anything as I sat there in tears.  It made me feel like an alien, like nobody wants to come near me, to talk to me, to make me hurt by saying your name (but they don't understand I love to talk about you), or to make themselves feel like "Oh No" if I talk to her it will happen to me.....
  
  How do I make people understand???  They make me feel more alone than ever... I am still your mother, you are still Ben's brother, why can't we talk about you?  I was in Mr. Sayles classroom and a parent and their child came in as me and Ben sat there, Mr. Sayles says aloud, hey "so and so (name withheld), did you know that I was your uncles teacher and football coach?  I wondered what makes us so different, why did he not say to Ben, hey Ben did you know I was John's teacher, I was Chris' teacher and basketball coach for both them?  Well I guess losing a child makes us different.  How can I make them understand we are still people and that no matter how much it hurts, we want to talk about our children, even though they are not with us today, their history and memories are forever with us and that is what keeps us alive.
  
  
• February 20, 2002
  As I read and re-read all the reports, ambulance, police, hospital, fire and witness statements, I continue to question things ~  Could they have, should they have done more?
  
  I remember my time at the hospital and feeling like I was in that room such a short time before they finally let me in, and only to "show me" they tried, the doctor showed me how he had put the heart ultrasound on you and there was nothing.  The person at your head continued to squeeze the air bag, bubble, whatever it was., then the doctor said, 1855, that's it.
  
  All that time I kept whispering in your ear, "I love you, just take a breath, your strong, I know you can do it, just breathe".  The next thing I recall is the person at your head stopping.... Nobody said "I'm Sorry", nobody said "Is there anything I can do" they offered nothing... why, why... you were just a child, did they not care or feel??
  
  But now today, just one day shy of 35 weeks (8 months) I reflect back and wonder, why didn't I see them do any shock?  Had they determined before they let me in that "it was hopeless" and they were just putting on a show?  I re-read a police report and this time a comment he makes stands out at me, a machine at the beach they put on you told them not to do shock, then he assisted with chest compressions for 40 minutes.  
  
  40 MINUTES, WHY!!  Why did they keep you at the beach that long?  Once the ambulance arrived they should have taken you in the ambulance and left.  Once they finally did it only took 13 minutes to get to the hospital.  Doesn't the hospital have more equipment  and ability than an ambulance, EMS or police vehicle?
  
• February 19, 2002
  When will I ever stop panicking?  Will my nights get longer and my days get shorter?  When will I ever again hear those forever haunting word "Mom, do you need a hug?" and I will finally get to say "YES"!! and please don't ever let go.
  
  When will the memory of that horrible phone call become less frequent?  
  Will you be beside me when I finally get my chance to speak out to the council members and lifeguards?
  Will you be my voice?  Will you hold my hand?  Will you help me hold my head up high?
  
  
• January15, 2002
  I could not bring myself to write during the horrendous holiday nightmare.  But here I am today a survivor of the holiday, thanks to my wonderful son John and my best friend Jodie.  I completely lost it on Christmas Eve and could not handle being in the house without Chris.  Chris was always the one to wake up on Christmas morning to get up either John or Ben and say "Hey Santa was here" he was always my anxious one.  But this Christmas he was no-where to be seen, and I could not handle it.  I asked my best friend if I could come stay at her house as I knew they were not celebrating and had no need to put on a "face" for Christmas morn, but my big boy, wonderful son, John took over the role of "Santa" and made sure Ben had his Christmas morning.  He stayed up until well after 4am wrapping presents only to have to get up a few short hours later to the noise of Ben wanting his presents.  Thank you my wonderful son John, Ben would have been lost without you.
  
  This brings us to today.  January 15, 2002.  I don't think anyone can EVER comprehend my pain.  I feel that I had such an extraordinary relationship with my sons that most parents never get to experience and that is all lost.  I have been a single more than half of my life, I don't know anything different.  I had Ben and Chris and John were there to help me, now both my boys are gone.... I am sooooo lost.  What do I do with myself.  I have never felt such loneliness in all my life as I have this past week.  I know that one day John will be home again, but for now, it is really tough.  I have had my "BIG BOYS" there with me, I have never REALLY been alone in my life until now. 
  
  Oh Chris I miss you so very bad, it seems instead of getting easier that the reality of all his is sinking in.  All I can hope and pray every day is that you can hear us and see us because we sure talk to you alot.  You'd be so proud of Ben right now, I can just hear you telling all your friend "You should see my little brother, he is so good at playing Zelda for N64" I have to smile even when I write it because I can just hear you saying it.  I swear as I was sitting here at my computer, as usual, I thought I heard you talking to Ben.
  
  Oh, Baby Boy, how I miss you so much, I cannot ever describe the pain and emptiness I fell without you in my life.  I shall love you forever and forever.
  
  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS KISS
  
  
• December 29, 2001
  My first day of realization that John and Chris are gone.  My big boys to no longer be there to protect me.  All that's left is me and Ben for the next 5 years.  We have to learn to live an entire new life.  How??  I know John will return someday, but how do I live the next 5 years?
  
  I know Chris, my angel baby, will forever be gone and John will return in 5 years but my children have always been my entire life to me.  I have lived my life for them.  Yes, I still have Ben, but Ben is still a baby and our life together consists of work, daycare, home, same thing day after day, week after week.....  I have to learn to do more than that now, how long will it take?
  
  What will we do to pass the time?  What will John do?  Will he survive?  Will he take this time and advance his civil knowledge or will it become an advanced crime class?  He has so much potential and desire he just needs the right track to be moved onto.
  
  
• November 22, 2001 ~ Thanksgiving
  
Hello my baby boy.  As I sit alone and ponder what has happened and what is happening I find myself questioning so much.

What is the meaning of life here on earth?
Why must we come here and bear our souls and suffer such pain.
I think Ben said it best when he said "Why can't we all die and be in heaven together?"

I want so much to be with you, see you, hear you and feel you.  But I know that I have to serve my life term here.  But how can I comprehend living another 40-50 years without you?  When you died a big piece of me died with you; I will never be the same again.  Logically I know that you are around us, you can see and hear us.  But how can a grieving mother be logical?  I find myself holding my stomach and rocking back and forth yearning to have you back here with us and continually asking why, why, why?

Oh Chris, I cannot believe it is 22 weeks today, that seems like such a lifetime when your grieving a lost child, but I look back at when you were a baby and before I knew it 22 months has passed and you were growing so fast.  But it is so different because then you had a future, but now you are gone FOREVER!!!

Today I will go toss a flower in Lake Ann and then I will go lay at your grave with you, bring you flowers and try to somehow make it through the day.  Love You!
NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS


•  
• November 21, 2001
  
Hello my baby boy.  It's 3:15am, I find it so hard to sleep some of these nights.
Today is 5 MONTHS!!!  Life is so hard, so many problems.  I have always said my life will never be the same again, but I guess I just cannot deal with how much it really has changed and how much it really will continue to.  I too will never be the same person again.  The day you went to heaven is the day my heart got stolen away and nothing can ever put it back.

I went and laid with you at your grave yesterday and just cried and asked you to help me, your the only one who can help me.  I miss you so very much.  We have the lawsuit slowly progressing and I continue to delve myself into lifesaving research, somehow or another I will make some changes so that your death will not go in vain.  I have to do whatever I can to make a change.

I watch Ben and it hurts me so much to know that he will grow up without you and your influence.  I see and hear so much about how you touched so many peoples lives with the littlest things you said or did, I can only hope that a part of that has already been given to Ben by the few years you had together.  

Your friends are so dear to me and to watch them grow and listen to them talk about their lives and school hurts so bad but I also know that I need to see all of that because a part of you is in each and everyone of them and that means that you live on with them.  I can't believe that it has been 5 months, you died just a couple weeks out of school, the entire summer was consumed with your death and now the first quarter of school is done and the holidays are just around the corner.  I so much want to just sleep them away......

Tia and Tiff came over and got some pictures of you to put in the yearbook, that is so awesome.... see honey you live on in them all and your forever on my mind.

NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS


• November 08, 2001
  
My darling angel son.
Today is 140 days, 20 weeks and here I sit, cry and ponder life, the time is 6:30 pm. Once again I find myself counting down the minutes until those dreaded words that ring in my ears and haunt my every day and night, "That's it, 1855". I have looked back on that night so many times and cannot comprehend how I did not fall apart. From the very moment I got the phone call my knees went weak and I guess it's that mommy instinct that knew my life would be forever changed. That night I held you in my arms and had to say good-bye to you. I didn't ever want to let you go. I can close my eyes and still remember the look of the doctors face, the look of peace in you, the feel of your hair, the sand in your ears and on your face, the smell of throw-up on you and that silent still stiffness of your body.

These Thursdays are so hard for me, I'm trying so hard to be strong, but I can't always. Your forever my baby boy, you'll forever be 16. I wear your high school class ring every day and I remember going through the book with you and you picking out what you wanted on it. I was so proud of you, I knew that you would be my son to graduate, you always were the responsible one. I look at the ring and can imagine you wearing it and giving it to your girlfriend to wear. But I know what day will never come, the only girl that will ever wear your ring now will be me.

Chris, I know your alive in heaven and probably being everyone's protector just like you did when you were here and I know that you can see all of us, but I want so very much to see you too. So many days I say to myself, I just can't go on, I can't cope anymore, but somehow I make it through another day. How? Maybe you are giving me a little push like you always did. I miss you so much, I never realized life could, or would be this hard. I'm so tired of hearing everyone say "God only gives you what he knows you can handle", and "Your so strong". But DAMN IT, I never asked for this pain and to handle this and I don't want it, and what everyone sees as strength is a false reality. I'm not strong, I'm falling apart, like humpty dumpty, I can never be put back together again. My shell is shattered and my insides are all mixed up.

It's now 1855. Oh, baby boy, why did you have to leave this world?? I want to hold you in my arms again and see your smiling face, but I can't and I HATE IT!!! I'm SO ANGRY!!! WHY MY CHILD?!? Nobody can help me except you and God.

If I could turn back time.
If I could have just one more day.

NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS


• October 21, 2001
  Hello my angel son.
  Today is 4 months my son and it is oh so hard. I never understood why the past several days I have been so hibernate, but now I know. I just want to sleep the days away. I know your in a better place and that your safe and at peace, but I want so much to hold you, to hug you and tell you how very much I love you. Our lives will never be the same again, I can pretend but it truly will never be, you were oh so much a part of our life, my every day surrounded around what you would be doing or what activity you were in, now I am so lost, I don't know what to do with myself.
  
  Saturday, October 27 Jodie and I will be attending the Journey into the soul tour with John Edward and Sylvia Browne and a couple others, I keep praying that you will come forth to speak to me through John that day. I need so very much to know what happened that day, why did you die, why did you have to leave us, we all needed you so much. You were the glue that held our family together, now I feel like we are all falling apart. Oh my baby boy, why oh why, are you gone from our life? I miss you so very much, I cannot comprehend another day without you. You are my baby boy and now forever will be. I love you.
  
  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  
  
• September 25, 2001
  Hello my angel son.
  Tomorrow Ben will be 5 and I can't believe that you will not be here to celebrate with us.  He was such an important part of your life just as you were an important part of his.  I remember how he would watch to see what you were wearing and try to copy what you wore and how you wore it.  He would even try to do his hair like yours.  Oh God how I miss that.  Nobody can ever take your place in Ben's life.  Ben asks me if you are with him when he is at school and I tell him yes, you are always with him to watch over him.  I hope and pray it is true.  Keep your gentle, yet strong arms around him and protect him, give him the love and attention that you did when you were here.
  
  I miss you so very much, it seems like it is getting harder to deal with, not easier.  WHY? WHY?  I have been praying so much for you to give me answers to questions I need answered but I don't know if I will ever get the answers and it hurts so bad.  I need to know what happened, why did you have to leave us?  Why did God take you from us, I want you here with me.  Then I feel so selfish saying that because you are probably doing so many more people better being in heaven.  BUT your my son and I want to hold you again,  I want to talk to you, watch you play football, throw the discus and kiss you good night, I even miss arguing with you.  I want to see you grow into a fine man, husband and father.  BUT I will never have that, NEVER and damn it, it just is not fair.  I love you so very much and miss you terribly.
  
  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  
  
• September 13, 2001
  Hello my angel son.  Today marks another milestone, 12 weeks, I look back and say when I was 12 weeks pregnant with you mom and dad were so excited.  We thought you were going to be our baby girl (I know sorry honey), you would be our  Jennifer Patrice.  Now today more than 16 years later I am mourning the loss of your life 12 weeks ago.  This is just not the normal course that life is suppose to take.
  
  With the horrible tragedy that is going on in our nation the past several days, I say you are the lucky one.  You are in a place of everlasting peace and we here are living hell on earth.  I know you were there to help each of the people who lost their lives find their special place in heaven.
  
  At night Ben and I say goodnight to you and sometimes Ben asks me to pray to you to come down and for you to sleep with me and him.  I hope and pray that you do, that you are there between us giving Ben your support just like you did when you were on earth.
  
  I miss you terribly.  So many times there are things I see or do and want to call you or tell you about it, but then I have to face reality again and realize your not there.  Last week I woke up in the morning and I cried and cried, I miss so much going in your room in the morning and telling you "I am leaving, Love you, have a nice day".  I broke down, I sat in your room and cried.  Then I decided if I can't tell you that, then at least I can tell your friends, I called Keri, Mikey and Shaina and told them to have nice day and I love them.  Nobody can replace you but it helped me a bit.
  
  Tonight while I am counting down the hours and minutes to when you left this world, I will be getting  my tattoo of the butterfly and your name on my ankle.  I AM SCARED of the pain, but I want everyone to know you are always with me no matter what.  John got his done of a portrait of you on his left arm, it looks very nice and he also had "My heart and soul, my pride and joy" put under it.    I will forever have you in my heart, soul, mind and body.  The world will never be the same without you here.
  
  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  
  
• September 2, 2001
  Chris, I just had to write today to tell you and everyone who reads these pages how very honored I am to be your mother.
  
  Friday at the home game for football, I was there proudly wearing your Jersey number 31 with your name on the back and before they sang the national anthem, they announced "Chris Rueben, a Junior, died tragically in a swimming accident in June" then they had a moment of silence in remembrance of you. I of course cried and cried, but my tears were also a sign of joy for my pride in being your mother. I was truly blessed and honored to have you for a child and for the short time we had together to be called your mom. You truly and deeply have touched so many lives with your friendship, charm, generosity, caring, devotion and dedication. There are so many more adjectives I could use and all would sufficiently fit the person you were.
  
  Today at church, Pastor Johns sermon was about being humble and to not always think of taking the "best seat" at events, parties etc. so he asked us, the congregation to get up and go sit by someone we do not know very well or at all. Well me, of course being the shy one was very hesitant, and Mrs. Wagner, she was a Sunday school teacher when you were going through confirmation class she came and sat by me. She told me a story about the day of confirmation and you going to church wearing the cross that I had gotten you and had engraved with "I am proud of you" on the back. She told me how proud you were of that cross that day. I never knew that, and that made me feel good also. I just wish I could find it now, someday I am sure I will come across it when I absolutely need to find it. But once again for me it was a moment of pride for being your mother.
  
  I truly am honored to be your mother and even though your time on this earth was very short, the way you affected my life and everyone else who had the pleasure to know you was very HUGE!!!
  
  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  
  
• August 21, 2001
  Good Morning my Angel Son,
  Well today marks another milestone for us and you, 2 months.  Last night John, me and Ben went to the Lake Ann sign on Highway 5 West by Target and put up a floral cross that I made all by myself (not sure how long it will hold up though, I am not very crafty) and we hung a HUGE banner, that says, In Loving Memory, Chris Rueben, May 19, 1985 - June 21, 2001, so EVERYONE driving by today will for one brief moment think about how precious life is and know that a child was sent home to God on June 21, 2001.  And maybe, just maybe, some will go home to their children and hug them and tell them how much they love them because in one brief moment they can be gone from this earth
  
  I got some great news last night.  After coming home from hanging the banner we were all depressed but there was a voicemail waiting for me.  The voice mail was from Gloria, Micah's mom informing me she had dropped off the football schedule for me and telling me that the team is dedicating this season to YOU and will be wearing your number 31 on their helmets.  That brightened my night.  What an honor!!!  We are blessed to be living in such a wonderful community.  
  
  I Love You, My Angel Son and miss you terribly.  You will forever be in my heart and on my mind.  WE ALL LOVE YOU.
  
  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  
  
• August 8, 2001
  As I was flying home from Boston yesterday with my usual fear of flying very much upon me, I prayed for you to protect me and watch over me.  As I did that I began to think of how much I miss  you and tears once again came to my eyes and these words came to my mind.

              Forever

  Chris, 
  Forever you'll be, 
  Forever 16.
  Forever, my baby boy.
  Never again to feel heartache or pain.
  Forever you'll be watching over me.
  Never again to know what time means and to watch it tick by.
  Forever you'll be waiting in heaven for me.
  Waiting for the day I'll get to hold you again.
  Forever I'll be missing you til' then.

  Love, Mom
  
  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  

• July 26, 2001
  Chris honey, 5 weeks today, that you left my arms for a better place.  Today was so hard.  I counted down the hours then the minutes to when they pulled you from the water (the 911 call went out at 5:28 pm) and then from when they actually pronounced you dead, 6:55 pm.  People look at me and say I'm so strong, but they are so wrong.  I'm barely hanging on.  There's such and empty, dark hole inside me that can never be filled.

  Yesterday was like a reality slap in the face, I was at work and said to myself "My son is dead, my son is really dead".  Sure I've said those words before but yesterday it all became so real, I can't explain it.  It's like it finally hit me.  I went outside and talked to you again, everything came flooding in again, I'll never be able to see you again until we are in heaven together, you'll never kick another awesome field goal, you'll never toss that discus so far to make it to the state competition (and I know you would have), you'll never graduate, marry, become a father or grandfather.

  I wish I could understand, Why? Why? Why?  My "mommy" mind and heart say "Damn it, this isn't fair, he was my baby boy.  He had so much life ahead of him and I want to see him, hear him, hold him again", but then my "logical" mind says "I know he's in a better place and looking down on us saying everything's OK and being our angel son".  I always told you that you'd always be my baby boy, no matter how big you got or that I had Ben as the "baby" of the family.  Little did I know how true that would become. 

  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  

•   July 24, 2001
  We received a letter from the Minnesota Lions Eye Bank, enclosed was a personal letter from one of the recipients of Chris' eyes.  She says "I am 54 years old, am married and have 2 grown sons.  I first noticed my bad vision last summer while I was driving.  My eye Dr. then sent me to a specialist that in 3 seconds told me I had Fuchs Dystrophy and would require 2 cornea transplants.  My first one was June 26 at 3pm in the afternoon.  I was more than pleased to hear my donor was a 16 year-old, but very sad for you, the parents.  I thank God every day for you and him.  I like to think he would have liked me, as I love children and I seem to attract them.  My surgery is 3 weeks old now and just getting better every day.  My vision is still blurry and will be until all 19 stitches are out, which the Dr. said should be December.  Thank you with all my heart for your generosity. Love...." 

Since the donation of organs is to remain anonymous we are not allowed to meet the recipient, however it warms my heart to know that someone is seeing out of the beautiful eyes that my son had.  All three of my son's have eyes like the starry night sky and for us to have allowed someone to see again is a wonderful gift and in a way helps Chris to live on.

•  July 21, 2001
  Chris, Well, honey, it is one month.  Thursday marked the 4 week mark then comes today, Saturday and here it is one month.  Seems like only yesterday I was holding you tight in the ER not wanting to let you go but knowing I had to.  Ben sometimes asks when you are coming home, that is really hard.  John is having such a hard time too, I wish I knew how to help them.  I keep reading books but nothing takes away the pain.  I am awed at the amount of love your friends have for you and they continue to support me, John and Ben.  You were a special person to so many people, I know your looking down on us  blowing us kisses and dancing saying hey guys, I am at peace and I am with you.   I miss you so much it is like a giant nightmare I cannot wake up from.  I love you  I LOVE YOU AS HIGH AS THE SKY, AS FAR AS THE STARS, TO JUPITER AND MARS AND ALL THE WAY BACK!    NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  
  
• July 17, 2001
  Chris, I hope you know how much we all love you and admire you.  You touched so many peoples lives, every time I hear more and more about how people really respected you and what a good friend you were it warms my heart.  I miss you so much, I go to pick up the phone to call you and realize your not there to call anymore.  I go to your room in the morning to say I love you and have a nice day and your not there.  So today I went outside and talked to you, I know you can hear me, but that does not make it any easier.  I still want to hold you and see your beautiful face smiling back your big joker smile at me.  NIGH ~ NIGH, LOVE YOU, SEE YOU, SWEET DREAMS, KISS ~ KISS
  

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