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For those readers who have been in a coma for the past three months, I have been in love. This has gone beyond mere infatuation, and the love I feel for this woman is greater than anything else I've felt before.
Now, this woman refuses my advances. Fine, so be it, right? I mean, I think I'm a good guy. Why should I bring this pain upon myself? Why should I continue to believe that if I do the right thing, say the right thing, look the right way; that she'll be mine eventually? Why continue to get that sensation where it feels like my heart will drop out of my chest?
In the past, I've said to you dear faithful readers that I write off women that have rebuffed me in the past. And the reason I do it is not to feel this; not to put myself through such anguish anymore. I pretend to harden my heart, and eliminate the love that I feel, so that I can sleep better at nights. This time, however, I come to a conundrum.
I love this girl so much that I cannot force myself to write her off just like that. I want to believe that her hesitation is due to the fact that she's just recently been hurt, but I feel otherwise. I feel that some aspect of me isn't good enough for her, and at this juncture I feel it has to do with my looks.
I'd like to think she's not that shallow: I'd like to think that alot of the people I hang around with aren't that shallow, but that just isn't the truth. I'm tired of showing my love and getting responses such as; "You're a sweet guy," "You'd make a great boyfriend someday," and "You have alot of love to give." Despite all these great phrases that are designed to keep my self-esteem intact, they just point out to me that these women see a fundamental flaw in me and refuse to identify it. And I can't fix it if I don't know what's broken.
Not that I'd fix it. I also have this fear that if I did(could) change what was wrong, then the ones who have treated me such all these times would come running; and that would be such an insult to me. The person on the inside isn't what matters, as long as the outside looks good. However, I did read once in a very popular magazine that no matter how charming, or suave, or rich someone was, you aren't going to be very attracted to them if they're fat.
And what perpetrates these beliefs in me is how my friends treat me. It seems that I'm only good enough to touch, to tease, to fuck with; when they're drunk. Forget the fact that I feel nothing but everlasting love to these women, and all they do is give me trades in return.
"Get a tattoo, and I'll go down on you."
"Let me burn you, and I'll let you see a boob."
I hope now you all understand why I feel so violent sometimes.
And my mind tells me to run away. Get away from these incubi that seek to lead me astray. Move somewhere far away where you can put them out of your mind. And I have that move planned, with the delusion in my head that it will solve my problems, and keep me away from women like that. I plan on a change of scenery to get my life in order.
And yet, for all of the rancour I feel for this woman sometimes; if she told those words that I long to hear from her mouth, I'd do anything to stay here with her. I'd get a job as a stockboy at a Wal-Mart from 2AM to 10AM, then be a busboy at a nearby chinese restaurant from 10AM to 6PM, and then be a bouncer at a local club from 10PM to 2AM. I'd give up every frivolous pursuit I have ever thought of, just for her love.
I'm not leaving because she said no, but I'd stay if she told me yes.
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