weBLOG for December 25th, 2004

I saw "Hellboy" for the first time the other night, and I was amazed at how well they merged what little story and dialogue they had with the action sequences. Okay, so I agree that there wasn't much movie in the movie, but with the snappy dialogue and the pretty-good performances, I included a quote from it in the last blog.

I'm listening to Pearl Jam's benefit concert they gave at Benaroya Hall. God, with the setlist they came up with, I'm even more depressed than I was before I started listening. If I didn't want to kill myself before...

Pearl Jam is one of my favourite bands, for those of you that don't know. There's not a song of theirs that I can't tie to someone, or some time, in my life. And so it was listening to this CD.

I felt like sending a little felicitation to someone I used to send a lot to. I would send her little sayings, sayings that I believed in my heart, and it would brighten her day, even just the smallest bit.

And then I stopped myself.

I remembered that she doesn't need them anymore. She doesn't need little affirmations anymore. She's got someone there to hold her hand, to protect her, to confirm her, to reassure her. She's got someone who she's planning a life with. She's got someone to guide her into her future.

And while I'm happy for her, even though she doesn't trust me as before, doesn't confide in me as before; I miss sending her those praises.

In truth, all that time with her, she was providing me with something. I'd be there to give her what she wanted from me. I'd be there to give her what she didn't want from me. I'd be there to give her nearly everything of me. And everytime I gave of myself, she'd smile, or she'd laugh; and my heart would flitter.

Her joy, her laughter, her happiness, was my sustenance. The same way with those orchids I used to text her on her phone, knowing they had at least brought a smile to some part of her, even though some trepidation took hold of the rest of her. I felt better because she felt better.

And now, in this time of commercialization that we pass off as a christian holidae. This time when everyone wears a smile on their face; and I just can't, no matter how hard I try. Now I find myself thinking of her, thinking of how she's phasing me out of her life, thinking of how she's giving what I wanted[needed?] to someone else.

God, I hope he knows what he has on his hands. I hope he realizes what a fabulous, and great gift God has put on this earth, and how she picked him, again, out of everyone in the world. I hope he realizes that with all her flaws and imperfections, she's precious and wonderful. And, above all, I hope he realizes that if love is true, it can make miracles happen.

And now, for something completely different...

Everyday, at least one person lies to me
Everyday, at least one person uses me
Everyday, at least one person dismisses me

Everyday, at least one person loves me
Everyday, at least one person confides in me
Everyday, at least one person trusts me

And yet, everyday, I feel that I'm not enough: not smart enough, not good enough, not anything enough. Everyday, I feel that my life is a waste: waste of time, waste of space, waste of everything.

A long time ago, my friend Jon, who will always be my friend, God bless him; told me that life is a swim across a pool. And it's not good enough to tread water. It's also not good to waste your time on someone who can't, or won't, try; after all, they'll just drag you down.

Maybe the reason I always find myself alone is that I'm dragging my friends down.

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