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So, I resigned myself to something the other day. And while you may think that I'm here to reverse my position, I am here to talk about how difficult it is to live with that particular position.
I don't know if I pointed this out the other day, and if I did, too fucking bad. I've settled myself to a unique way of thinking, and it is in my best interest to do so. But not a day goes by that I don't think about her immensely. Before I go to bed, I'll think about a particular thing she's said; or I'll just think about her, and the way she looks, and the way she smiles and laughs. When I wake up in the morning, either I'll think about what she'd say about the dream I've just had, or I'll think about how I'm going to see her that day.
Now please, save your pity and remorse. To shower me with either of those would be to encourage me upon a dangerous path that I've told myself I cannot go down. It's better for me to do this. For instance, the other night, I had a very enjoyable time with two beautiful women who just happened to be my friends, and it was because I had no illusions in my mind to cloud anything. Who knew; if you think sane, you'll act sane.
Sure, there's still the little voice in my head that thinks that she would complete my life, and I hers. I'm chasing it around my skull armed with a baseball bat, that way I can bash that little voice's being into oblivion when I finally have it cornered.
As long as I don't have anything mess with the way I'm fashioning my microcosm now, I should complete this phase with ease. However, I'll still have to deal with friends who say that she and I make a good couple. I'll still have family asking me if there's anything between the two of us. I'll still have a certain member of my family noticing that I love her.
Will I ever stop loving her? No, because as I've pointed out many times prior; I've never loved like this. With my first girlfriend, we might have been friends for many a fortnight, but we never gave ourselves the chance to bond as boy and girl because we were too busy being in heat. With my last girlfriend, she wasn't looking to get close, to open up, to anyone.
The reason that so many art and book and food critics abound in this world is that many of us see, read, taste, what we want when we experience something. I saw something particular six years ago, even before the month of September, and I thought...no, I knew that I was mistaken about it not too long after. But starting last May, I saw that something again, and I couldn't ignore it.
This is something that she'd be interested in knowing. I left her life around August of last year, and I would think about her in a roundabout way every so often. In October, shortly after my birthday, my sister asked if I could be of some assistance to her back in Sicily again with her new baby for a month, starting in November. I agreed somewhat apprehensively, wanting to continue building my life here at home, but not wanting to miss the chance to go back to the place I fell in love with. The flight and the arrangements were made by the morning of October 26, when I was asleep at my friend's house, and he got a phone call.
It was her, calling to say that she had gone on a mini-spiritual-pilgrimage, and all of a sudden, I thought of her, and how nice it would be to see her again. And it was with her in mind that when I did finally get back to Sicily, I went looking for a certain picture I had of her. She knows the one. I got back to the states, and put her and the picture in the back of my mind, not wanting to cause a great upheaval in my life. However, just after the new year, I felt an upheaval coming. So instead of sitting on the sidelines and letting it happen to me, I made the upheaval myself.
I sent the picture through an anonymous e-mail, coyly asking if she knew who was in possesion of the picture. Of course she knew who it was, and since that moment, though most of it was due to an illusion in my psychotic mind, I've been ecstatic. And while I would never regret anything I've ever done, I would never regret any decision I've made this year.
In an old journal I have, I tried summing up the greatest moments of my youth within "600 Days," but after checking my shallow ego, I revised it to "600 Weeks" starting in the spring of 1996, and extending roughly up to my 30th birthday almost four years down the line. And while I've had some crazy times, both good and bad crazy, nothing in recent memory compares to the last seven months.
I've told myself that when the "600 Weeks" are up, I'll get married, and make the last great memory of my youth my honeymoon. I'm not even going to presume who it will be with me down the line. One thing I do want to share though is that whoever it is, I hope that she and I will be great friends, as the calibre I have right now.
Whew, that was a long one, wasn't it?
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