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I gained insight on two subjects today. One thing I noticed is that you can justify anything to yourself, if you want something bad enough. Should I do A? Should I do B? Well, if I do A and B, it would allow me to acheive C, which is what I really want.
That, in turn, led me to the fact that I should give up. And by give up, I mean that I should stop trying to manipulate things. All things. Everything. I live my life by the sense that if I do A, B will come my way. That's not necessarily true. I should do something I want to, that keeps in line with how I feel, and what I am. If benefits come by way of it; hey, power to the people.
My mind comes up with hallucination after hallucination. Whether it be dreams in my sleep, or daydreams when I zonk out on a long road trip; I dream of a future, or probable future, that I wouldn't mind having. And since a particular dream this past week, I've been giddy with a future that I don't even know is possible. And it's these hallucinations that bring me joy and hope, when it's probable that the outcomes I've dreamed of won't even come to fruition.
When I learn to stop these; when I learn to stop dreaming, then maybe I can find what it means to really be happy.
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