weBLOG for July 19th, 2004

I wonder if J.K. Rowling had men in mind when she came up with the dementors for "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"? Soulless beings who feel nothing, and suck the will to live out of you? Well, that was how I was feeling when I wrote the last blog, and why I included that line from the third Harry Potter movie.

I'll warn you all now that this blog is only going to be a rant. There's no point, and no specific topic. It's a rant, a whole rant, and nothing but a rant, so help me Gosh.

For those of you that don't know me, or don't know me right now; I'm in love. I'm in love with a beautiful woman with a fabulous sense of humour, a great smile, and a lascivious, yet gentle nature. She knows I love her, and I know that she appreciates it, but she doesn't love me back. It's just the way it goes in life. Like I read in a book once, "the person you love isn't always the person who loves you." I know all this, and yet still I love her. You might be asking yourself why. Well, part of it is...she lets me. I love her because she lets me.

But wait, that's not the weird part. I realized just today that the depth and breadth of my love for her is greater than any I've had to this date. Yes, I love her more than either of my ex-girlfriends. And all because she lets me. She lets me be there for her more than either of my ex-girlfriends. This should tell you that there was something fundamentally wrong with my first two relationships.

Sure, she's my friend's ex-wife, but I never saw her that way. Besides, I started falling for her long before he ever proposed to her. Should I have done something back then? Well, I didn't, and that's because I saw the scope of her love for my friend, and the lengths she went to to keep it. She broke up with him back in August, nearly a year ago. I let her go on her own, partially because you need to back your long-time friend in a play like that; but also because I sensed that she wanted to (needed to) head off in a new direction. When my friend headed off in a new direction, and fortune brought her before me once again, I did what any red-blooded american male would do when confronted by a beautiful woman: I asked her out to dinner. Oh sure, she wouldn't say it was a dinner date, but I would. The moment she and my friend split up, she was single in my mind. She still considers herself married until the divorce becomes final. Even then, there's a dream she won't give up just yet.

Could I do something to make her see how much I love her, to sway her decision to be with me? Maybe. Maybe the solution is a simple one, but I don't know how many rejections I can take from one woman before I lose all hope. I know I have to keep trying. For all my anger and bitterness, that beacon of hope still shines within me, and with that in mind, I know that she was brought before me for a reason. And I'm not going to squander that chance I've been given. Something that precious, that great, is worth fighting for.

God helps those who help themselves; so You set em up, and I'll knock em down, Big Guy.

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