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It's not easy for a human being to change. No matter the time or the effort, or the scope of the change; it ain't easy being cheesy.
Since the beginning of November, I've been on a great positive kick. I definitely feel changed for the better. I'm more optimistic. I feel upbeat about a lot of things that used to bring me down. I've started going to church on a regular basis, and at no time does it feel like a chore. All in all, it's mo' better butter.
But I can't feel upbeat about Christmas yet. I want to. I've started to hate the whole commercial feel of the holiday for taking away from the spiritual meaning of it all. I'm happy that the kids are excited about Santa Claus. But no matter how much I want it, I can't get the spark started.
I mean, my change hasn't been a day-to-night thing. I still have my down moments; like when I was disgusted by all the old people I waited on last Friday, and it made me think of the movie "Soylent Green", where all the dead people were killed and ground in to food for everyone else.
But I've tried to be upbeat about the season. I started saying "Merry Christmas" to most of my customers this past Friday. I'm being very generous to my secret Santa. But in the past two days I've seen the movies "The Santa Clause" and "The Polar Express" with my niece, and I feel sad at the end of these movies because they are about making those who don't believe in Santa Claus believe.
Now, for a majority of my formative years my family was poor, and at times Christmas would come and go, with all of us waiting for the nearest payday so we could have our Christmas. In an atmosphere like this, it's easy to let the belief of Santa Claus vaporize away. Many times, I would joke at my lack of belief, saying things like "Lock the doors and windows; I don't want that fat fuck to get in this house."
But my niece and nephew are growing up, and my niece, despite knowing that the grown-ups buy the presents, still has a belief in Santa. And of course my nephew also sees a gift-wrapped package and yells out, "Santa Claus!" In this type of setting, your disbelief stands out. And with the little ones, you have to have even a cursory belief.
But for me it wasn't just the lack of gifts on that day. I used to be bitter that other people were happy and the season was a kind of excuse for celebration. Everyone could feel free to act like a little kid during the Christmas season.
(I, on the other hand, need no excuse to act like a little kid most of the time.)
I just hope that until I can form that cursory belief, that I don't cause either of the little ones around me to lose their belief.
One of the goals in my life was to lift myself up out of economic squalor so, that if one day I were to have children, they wouldn't have to experience what I did. I'm paraphrasing a comment I heard on one of my favourite TV shows the other day; "We didn't choose to be different, and it's made us find strength. Do you really want her to go through that if she doesn't have to?"
While there's a greater chance that they may lack that humility and fortitude of character, I wouldn't want my kids, or even my surrogate kids, to go through the childhood I had.
P.S. I hope you all don't think I'm being stingy with my blogs, but if you haven't noticed I'm approaching #100, and I'd like to use that for the last blog of 2006. While that may be great for you, it just means that you're only going to get two more blogs for the last two weeks of the year. Hey, doing something special is just my way of giving back to all three of you faithful readers out there. And I'm going to make #100 WAY more special than #50. Remember #50?
[Two]More to follow.
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