weBLOG for November 13th, 2004

I laughed myself out after watching "The Adventures of Priscilla; Queen of the Desert" on Wednesday night. So, Thursday's blog has a line uttered many times throughout that movie.

So, yesterday was a little different kind of blog, for actually not including a blog in the first place. Call it a cop-out, especially since yesterday's blog would have been better with the line, "why did you give me that rose?" I just didn't want to go into everything that was running through my drunken head.

But, never you fear, a blog is coming straight at ya.

Yeah, I sent out an e-mail with the subject of "Fin." And no, before you ask, I didn't do it for shock value, making everyone figure I was thinking of suicide. What it does mark is an end.

What it does mark an end of is the end of myself as I know me. As much as I want to hold out for hope, and think that romance isn't just a element of Shakespearian drama that has entered our age through Victorian literary trash, I'm just convinced that love isn't a factor in the modern age. Relationships are basically formed by either two people who are hot for each other at the right time; or by two people who join together for their common goals.

I was talking with Hilda last week, and we were talking like old friends, having a great time. Towards the end of the conversation, she laughed at something funny I had said and told me, "Chris, you're a great friend." It took a few seconds for it to hit me, and the only thing that came to my head was, "that's what I'm here for."

I didn't get disappointed over it. After all, I did write in Thursday's blog that we need to appreciate everyone in our lives. But I'm no longer holding any illusions.

Since I was 12, I've been seeing how one person can affect another with just their meer presence. It happened to both guys and gals. I've even been affected by the presence of another person, several times. But what I noticed is that I never gave anyone else that affliction. I've never made a girl stop in her tracks.
I've never been loved like I've loved.

Recently, I was fortunate enough to read a lot about the Hindu Goddess Kali. In popular culture, she's regarded as the goddess of death, but I learned that it isn't that simple. Kali's name comes from the Sanskrit word for time, and with time, everything will end. And as you see the things before you end with time, you lose some of the childish beliefs you hold. Therefore, Kali represents not only death, but entropy, and the end of illusions.

End Fin Fine Eind Ende Bukaera Baigtis Fim Konets
No matter what language you put it in, it all adds up to the same thing; I'm tired of thinking that everything's going to work out. I'm tired of thinking that this thing I see all around me might really happen for me one day. I'm ready to accept that I'm a dalit. I'm ready to accept Kali, and give away all the illusions I have for myself. I'm ready to make my pen-name Seul.

At least this way I won't be disappointed when the future unfolds.

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