weBLOG for August 11th, 2004

Since I am a hard drinker, naturally the line for the last blog would have to be one uttered my George Clooney in "From Dusk til Dawn." Although, I was tempted to put Cheech Marin's pussy monologue, too.

I know that with the lapse of a week, alot of you were thinking that I was running away from my feelings again. But here I am to tell you otherwise. Like I've pointed out earlier this year, the only time I feel like I'm accomplishing something is when I'm writing. So damn the consequences, here's how I feel.

I don't feel anything right now. I am devoid of feel. Having evicted that speck of romance for the umpteenth time from my brain, I'm back to my cycles of mania and depression. I'll have a ball making my 10 month-old nephew laugh, and then get weepy when hearing my five year-old niece say that she loves me not five minutes later.

Okay, I am feeling something, but for me, since this is reverting to how I've usually been for the past ten years, it's basically like feeling nothing. I again feel worthless, and that life has no point. I feel like I cannot offer anything to humanity. Trent Reznor is deliriously happy compared to how I feel right now

And I know at least one person reading this thinks that it's not having someone in my life. That's not completely true. It's more that no one has ever felt for me. I've never inspired sweet words, or thoughts of love. Instead, I've inspired lunacy and self-destructive behaviour. And then people wonder why my self-esteem is to shit.

I'm a big believer in the fact that everything we've experienced in the past makes us who we are right now. And the only way I can sum it up is that I've experienced oodles of fucked-up situations. Even if there was a woman out there who thought of me as boss, my goods are so damaged that there's no way she can salvage anything.

I've taken an easy route and a difficult route, and have been disappointed at the end of both.

Back to August Blogs

Weblog Archive Page