weBLOG for January 11th, 2004

Yesterday's line, which was from "Ferris Beuler's Day Off", is followed by the line, as many of you know, of, "You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do". I thought this line appropriate since I felt horrible last week from my fourth bout with the flu in five months.

I got to thinking recently about wanting, in the aspect of relationships. I'm sure, if you're single, during the span of your day you see, or hear from, someone you'd really like to be in a relationship with. There's something about that person, whether it be their sense of humour, their intelligence, or just simply their good looks; that makes you want to be with that person. Alas, whether it be cowardice on your part, or the plain fact that this person is in a relationship of their own, that keeps you from declaring yourself to that person; and therefore being with that person.

So, you get down on yourself. You think to yourself, if only I could overcome that obstacle that stands in my way, I'd be able to express my feelings to this person, and that would be it; they'd be yours. But it isn't that simple.

If you've never thought about this before, and it took me a long time to stumble across this; the one thing that really stands in your way, even if you think you're ready to declare your love, is the fact[truth] that this person may not feel the same way about you.

I read it in a book once by this great author. The quote is, "The person you love isn't always the person who loves you". No matter how we feel, this is a fact.

All this wanting comes from a basic need. We human beings have the need of being wanted. If we didn't have this need, we wouldn't covet others so much. Hell, if we didn't have this need, we wouldn't meet with friends on a regular basis.

And when you realize that you aren't wanted, for whatever reason, you get down on yourself because you still have that need of being wanted. Then, you think back to former flames. Why, you ask? Because, you think to yourself, this person once wanted me. When this happens, you'll start looking more favorably at your former flames when you see them to see if maybe they'll still want you, so you can feel wanted.

I used to do this. Heck, if I had the chance, I'd do it now. I once wrote that "Are feelings more dangerous than firearms?", and the answer is yes. The psychological needs that lie within us are great, and we all express those needs differently on account of our character. Some of us are weak, and we seem needier than others; and yet there are those that seem aloof or distant. I can't speak on those that are aloof or distant, because I don't know what drives them.

I myself am weak, and I reach out to those people I know to fulfill my psychological needs. I do things that I'm not proud of, and I need to apologize to my friends right now for those irreprehensible things I've done. My friends are great people, and I thank them for being there. If I'm fucked up and I have friends, imagine how fucked up I'd be if I didn't?

So, since I've gone all over the place on today's, I'm gonna go ahead and call it quits. You all have a good week.

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