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My life is pure fantasy. I worry about "what-if's" and "could-have-been's." My imagination takes my mind and runs roughshod over the terrain of belief. I'm more concerned with the past than the present.
Reality and I are not friends.
I see a beautiful city. I go to a fabulous restaurant. I experience amazing sights and situations; and I automatically turn it into a romantic getaway for me and that special someone. I even get the fine details down, such as the best direction for the room to face from the hotel.
And then it comes back to me; I don't have a special someone. All my daydreaming bullshit is for naught. It doesn't matter what direction the room faces. It doesn't matter what plans I put into place. Nothing matters because outside of my mind I'm just a piece of shit. Nothing matters because outside of my mind, I have nothing.
And there's no one to blame for this but myself. If I have nothing, it's because I've sought nothing. If I've received nothing, it's because I've given nothing. Nothing comes from nothing.
It's a bitch to work for something, anything, and not see results. It's horrible to care and love a plant, and not see it sprout or grow. It's horrible when you wait, and wait, and still nothing happens.
I wish I could pinpoint all my problems to one person, one time, one situation; but it isn't like that. Mental instability takes time to grow. Hate, resentment and cynicism have been built up over time. And with nothing to counter them, they'll continue to grow. My seed has been perverted. It continues to be perverted, and right now I don't see a way back.
"And Pharaoh hardened his heart at this time also, neither would he let the people go." Exodus 8:32
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