weBLOG for September 9th, 2004

I need psychiatric help. I'll just be walking around the house, think about a particular movie, in this case, "Boogie Nights," and a line will pop into my head, though it makes no sense why, and I'll have it in my head for the next 48 hours. That's what happened last week. I was walking around and that line from "Boogie Nights" popped into my head. Although it had nothing to do with the blog, I put it down anyway.

Are any of you needy out there? Do any of you need to feel loved, or at the very least, wanted? Do you all spend nights just hoping that someone would come and take you in their arms?

Or am I alone out here?

I wish I could go back in time, and change whatever made me this way. Even if it's genetic, scientists now believe that it takes a certain environmental factor to turn the genes on or off. So, whatever it was, it's fixable. I can correct the defect I have.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want my heart. I don't want to be weak anymore. I don't want to want anyone who doesn't want me. I don't want to want anything I can't have.

I'm tired of being human.

Give my brain to the Scarecrow. Give my heart to the Tin Man. I'd say to take my courage for the Cowardly Lion, but I have none to give him.

Why was I cursed with self-realization? Why do I have to see everything that's wrong with the world? Why can't I be ignorant, like everyone else? If ignorance is bliss, at least I'd be happy.

God, take my emotions and my intelligence. Take my flaws and my merits. Leave me as a simpleton, so that I can not do anything but live, and be happy.

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