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Once again, for those of you who haven't been keeping score at home, there's one woman who just does it for me. Today, I described her as my own personal prozac. Sure, there's that one thing about her just wanting to be friends, but just thinking about her lifts me up.
And I'm trying to fix that. I can still be a caring friend, but I don't want to keep her on the pedestal. You see, she's afraid of heights.
The plain fact is that I don't want to be emotionally invested so much in someone who doesn't want the same thing that I do. I can't be like these soap opera characters that hold on, hoping that their true love will see the light and choose them. It's not fair to me.
Nor is it fair to her. She's made her decision, and she's been clear about it. I don't want to be an asshole by harrassing her with how I feel about her.
It's futile to fight for her. A woman will choose who she wants. It doesn't matter who fights, or wins, for her. How can you fight for a prize that can't be yours?
I want to be her friend. I don't want to give up on her. She's a good person, and a good friend, and she doesn't deserve for me to just walk out on her.
With my chemical imbalance, I get angry at times. And you may think it unwarranted, but see it like I do. If a woman were to see your unique traits, and they remind her of some asshole who screwed her over in her past, so she immediately writes you off; wouldn't that make you just a tiny bit upset?
And I can hear her already: "What makes me so special? Why am I the one you want? I'm not that good. I'm not that nice." And you know what it is? It's because she's MCM; or MCG, however you want to make it. There are dozens of girls out there with a body just as good, or better. There are dozens of girls out there who are nicer, more polite, curioser, livlier, weirder, louder; than she is. But they aren't her. It's because she's all these things, and more. And just as she shouldn't, she doesn't make excuses for who she is, or how she was raised, or who her family is. She's happy being all the things she is. And I'm happy for just knowing her.
You see, this is the stuff I'm trying to get away from in my own head. This is the way I feel about her. This is the stuff I think about when I see or hear about the two great jerks in her life. And even though she's made it abundantly clear for some time now about how she feels; this is why it hurts me to love her.
I'm trying. When she comes over, I'm attempting from going from puppy-dog-excited to cat-aloofness. When we go out, I'm attempting to go from constant eye contact to casual interest. When she leaves, I'm attempting to go from wanting-to-be-close-to-her hug to indifferent peace sign.
And I did all of that today, and she accuses me of being cold. Well, this just fucked me up six ways from Sunday. I'm trying to obey her wishes and just be her friend with no thoughts of love, and then she comes out with this. Of course, she then came out and said there was nothing wrong with it, only that she was unprepared for it.
I understand that she's going through a rough patch in her life right now, and she needs to feel loved and feel close to someone or something. My family is filling that need(myself to a lesser extent). And even though she feels a certain way about me, I know she likes to feel loved and cared for. Not so much that it's me, but more the way I'm treating her.
Hell, I'll even go so far as to say that if she knew of someone else who would treat her the way I do, and never make her hurt again, she'd jump for him like a cricket on a summer day.
But I don't need to hear that she likes it. I know she appreciates it, me thinking she's the ultimate woman on earth, but I don't need an affirmation of it. If anything, that would only make me backslide into schoolboy-crush mode. I'm trying to just be her friend, because if I'm so committed to giving her what she wants, then I need to give this to her.
She indulges me too much, and I know that most of the time, it's to keep from hurting my feelings. You see, I told you she was nice. Just so long as I don't mistake and misconstrue anything she says or does, then I'll be just fine. I'll grow up, become a better person, and realize that the sun will shine every day so long as I'm there to greet it. I'll realize that she's not the cure to all my ills, and that maybe love will greet me down the lane.
I don't know if that's what I want, but that's what I'll get.
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