weBLOG for November 1st, 2004

Okay, so I know it's Spaceballs. You're telling me that it's bad to quote a Mel Brooks movie?

Just a quick note. I've bought some yellow note pads to scribble my thoughts down on. I vent alot on those things, but usually very little at a time. What I hope to accomplish with those is to eliminate the short blogs that leave you all somewhat unsatisfied. Also, I'd like to get to 100 blogs by the end of the year, but I don't want to put half-assed blogs up in the process. We'll see how it goes.

I have abandonment issues. No, really; I do. That has pretty much fostered a sense of fatalism in me: no matter what happens, it will end, and it will end badly. Everything that I have ever held dear in my life will disappear from it. And, just to drive the point home, someone else dear has disappeared from it.

I can't be certain that this person has disappeared, but I've definitely been abandoned, if only temporarily. She's gone off and forgotten about me only to hover around someone else. She's forgotten my need for her just to satiate her need for someone else. I've been cast off yet again.

But what bothers me is that when things return to normal, when she no longer has that person to hover around, to need; she'll come back to me. Why is it my friends find it convenient to throw me away, or put me back on the shelf, just to come for me later?

She plays it off by citing her chinese horoscope. After all, she's a needy horse. In that case, what about me? I'm a horse also. I'm needy also. I know that I can't feel loved, so I have to settle for being wanted; and I can't even get that.

She'll say it's her best friend, and that I can understand, but I can't even get a phone call to see how she is? She called everyone and their mother the FOUR DAYS she was here, but I don't even warrant a phone call.

I'm a petty little person with no morals or scruples, so I'd love to return the favor; but I lost my best friend, the only person that would drop everything for me, a long time ago.

She'll probably read this later and think that I'm treating her unfairly. But I've been yelled at for not calling her. So this is me yelling at you.

A good friend told me the other day that a person who makes you angry has control over you. I let her know she had control over me a long time ago.

"Please, please, tell me now. Is there something I should know?"

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