Bubba dies in a fire, and his body is brought to the morgue. The coroner asks the two brothers to identify the charred body. "Yup, he's burned pretty bad" says one of the brothers. "Roll him over" The coroner rolls him over. "That ain't Bubba", says the brother. "nope, it sure aint" says the other brother. "Bubba had two assholes". "What?" says the coroner. "I've never heard of such a thing." "Yup" says the first brother."Every time we'd go to town, people'd say, 'Hey, look- here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
How did the Scottsman find the sheep in the tall grass?
Very satisfying.
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
A man with stomach pains goes to the hospital. The Doctor tells him that the problem is constipation, and he'll need to use suppositories. The man is instructed to drop his pants and bend over, whereupon the Doc shoves the pill up his behind. "You'll have to do the same thing for about a week or so", says the Doctor. Later that evening, the man is having trouble inserting the suppository, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his pants then bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other, shoves the pill home. "Damn!" screams the man. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Did I hurt you?" "No", he replies, "'but I just realized that the doctor had both hands on my shoulders."
Why did Al Gore get an eye piercing? Because he heard George Bush had a Dick Cheney.
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. "It's supposed to be a Tiger!!" Sally cried. "Honey" said Dan put the frosted flakes back in the box.
A brunette goes into the Dr.'s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That's odd," the Dr. says. "show me what you mean." The woman touches her elbow and screams in agony. She then touches her ankle and screams. She then pushes on her knee and again screams. "You're not really a brunette, are you?" the Dr. asks. "Why no, the woman replies. I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," he says "your finger is broken."
Why did the hillbilly plant a handfull of Cheerios?
Beacause he thought they were donut seeds.
Little red riding hood is skipping down the road when she see's the big bad wolf hiding behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf" she says. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road, she see's the wolf crouching behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf". she says. Again, the wolf jumps up and runs down the road. Still later, she see's the wolf again, this time crouching behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have, Mr.Wolf". she says. "Will you fuck off?" screams the wolf. "I'm trying to take a dump!"
A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide. "I think you mean spermicide," says the cashier. "No" he says "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass, and I'm going in after it."
An old man goes to a lingerie store to buy his wife a nighty. The woman behind the counter asks, "What do you have in mind?" I want something real sexy, " says the geezer. "Well, this one's the sheerest one we have. It's $200". "I'll take it", he says. The man goes home and excitedly asks his wife to model it for him. So she goes upstairs and opens the box. It's so see-through that she figures he won't be able to see if she's wearing it or not, and she can return it for a refund. The wife strips down and yells "get ready", and wobbles to the top of the steps. "So what do you think?" she asks the old man. "Damn!" he says, "You'd think for $200 they'd iron the wrinkles out of it!"
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says "if over the weekend you can persuade enough people to give up drugs,I'll let you two off." Back in court on Monday, the Judge asks for their results. "I persuaded ten people to give up drugs forever" the first man replys. "That's great!" replys the Jugde "what did you tell them?" "I drew to circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs,and the little circle was their brain after drugs." The other defendant says, "i got one hundred people to give up drugs forever! "One hundred! How?" asks the Judge. "Well, I drew the same to circles. I pointed to the small one and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..."
A man goes to the doctor with a peice of lettuce dangling from his rectum. "That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?" the man says. "That's only the tip of the iceberg."
The Lone ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest,Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens. "Buffalo come", says Tonto. "How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger. "Ear sticky."
What do you get when you breed a poodle and an elephant?
A poodle that's split in half.
Little Susie is in her backyard filling a big hole with dirt, occasionally smacking it with the shovel. Her curious neighbor peers over the fence and asks "hey Susie, what are you doing?" "I'm burying my gold fish" she says sadly. "That's terrible, I'm sorry" says the neighbor. "But isn't that too big of a hole for a little goldfish?" Susie smacks down the last pile of dirt on the heap and replys" that's because it's inside your fucking cat."
Why are Arkansas boys so confused?
Because every night their uncles are asking, "who's your daddy?"