Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ Jesus...-Philippians 1:6
Sin is like a forest fire-it starts with something little but spreads to what's around it, creates smoke that keeps us from seeing clearly and what's being destroyed...its hard to contain and it destroys God's creation.
"If Jesus is a teacher only, then all her can do is tantalize me by erecting a standard I cannot attain. What is the use of presenting me with an ideal I cannot possibly come near? I am happier not knowing it...I must know Jesus as savior before teaching has any meaning for me other than that of an ideal that leads to despair... the sermon on the mount produces despair in the natural man-the very thing Jesus means it to do. As long as we have a self-righteous, conceited notion that we can carry out our Lord's teaching."
-Oswald Chambers
I love flipping through these handwritten pages of my journal...because it is the story of you in my life. When i was younger, I was always trying to conjure up these great stories of romance, I guess painting pictures of what i thought love looked like-but here I have an account of the lovestory in my life- the truest, deepest love I've known...a rescue, a relentless forgiving love...I don't thank you enouch for being the lover of my soul. I forget that you are on my team; i think of you too often as the referee or even the goal or the prize. But there's something that makes all the difference-I already HAVE you. I don't need to win you over.
Maybe the things God wants to do with me is much bigger than me- and takes more than I can give to take and make them happen and at times, feels impossible. But also, maybe its supposed to feel this huge because If i felt or thought like i could be completely self reliant and hardly dependent on God...I wouldn't ever desire to do major on-your-knees - completely desperate- 100% confessional prayer asking God to move. I would think that me moving was enough.
I started writing another of infamous "I am so single and this is why" diatribes in class. I summed it up in a simple concept: I have yet to meet my match...But then i stopped myself-its not about who i am or what i can do...its not about finding the right person who can make me happy... I've been working on becoming more selfless, on being humbled and ridding myself of my pride. Sometimes I become proud because i've finally felt like i've was someone of significance...but all this change and not knowing when it happened leaves room for me to take pride in all the wrong ways.
"She who reconciles the ill-matched threads of her life, and weaves them gratefully into a single cloth-its she who drives the loudmouths from the hall and clears it for a different celebration where the one guest is YOU."
-Rainer Maria Rike
...looking at my life, I was thinking in the car..i'm SO not different from everyone-hearing Ryan talk about schoolk, somehow it all just clicked. YOu do not change in situations or stages of life. No one is any more sure about what they are going to be doing with their life than I am . I'm not ever going to know where my life is headed or what I'm going to be doing but it always requires trust and faith in your love...your promise being filled...you fulfilling your purpose for me.
With this week I was reminded of my limitations, how weak and little I sitll am. I wish I had NO limitation on my ability and maybe I live like suck. Being tired, stressed even hungry--> humbling. Sometimes when I reflect on what you've done in my life, I feel scared because I can't imagine what's ahead and maybe I feel as thought i've crossed the bridge to the "far side" where all the "serious stuff" is. But for right now things to be done and changed are just STARING me in the face. How ignorant of me to imagine only one big bridge to cross. No doubt there are many more.
We watched a video with a rain theme last night at PV Camp. You know Lord, in this whole thing in my life, that I've had to go through, I don't know what you have to say about it. If you were glad I fell and clung to you as I tried to pick myself up or if you're sorry I had to be hurt or even if you agree with me in thinking that I brought it on myself in my sin and my foolishness...I've always known, in the beginning and at the end that I was going to forgive Tim. Maybe I clung to my anger so tightly because before I forgave him, I wanted retribution. I wanted him to feel a piece of what I had to go through. I wanted to know that he could be hurt and bleed too. But I never allowed myself the reality-this was my rainstorm...God's rescue of ME, and perhaps just the point that we couldn't go through things together anymore-the end of that season.
God knows me so well-that a rock concert can become my own worship service. In hearing Switchfoot play I felt the music and the words resonate in my heart as I acknowledged them as my own.
I never wanted to be just perfect-all I've wanted was for people to like me. And so i spent my 19 years trying to be fun, special and pleasant. Never wanting to rock the boat and making waves-always afraid of getting thrown overboard. I feared stepping on peoples toes and all I have to show for it is this constant oppression that I fight to keep from putting on myself. I was so sure that I was a different person now-but everyone comes back to how I was in teh past and all the things that have cut me the deepest. How do I live like this?
God is love. Christ is in me. I will be love. Lord you know my brokenness from my smile to my legs. Its has been so long since I have known your presence in my eyes-even longer since I have desired to see you. Prayers of hunger left unspoken only to be replaced by bitterness, envy and insecurity-Yes LORD, you see this. You see the girl with the jaded and cynical dreams behind her eyes-the girl who is wary of the world and second guesses the people around her. But I forgot the second part of this tale...
..God desires to rescue me. He has done it before-why do I doubt his appearane. No matter where I run, he will find me.