:::Wanting:::

Title: wanting

Author: charcoal angel

Pairing: Harry/Sirius

Rating: PG

Genre: slash/angst/ficlet

Summary: Harry and Sirius yearn for loves lost

Disclaimer: the characters and settings here depicted are invented by J K Rowling and owned by various companies including, but not limited to, Bloomsbury Books inc. and Warner Bros Inc. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

I realize this has practically no plot and won�t be to some readers taste. It is mearly to explore the Characters of Harry and Sirius and what could come of their love for each other. And Remus: please don�t kill me!

Wanting

Sirius sat in his mother�s room in a stupor, he routinely fed dead rats to Buckbeek as he sat and while he sat he thought. It was no more than a day since Harry and his friends had boarded the Hogwarts express to begin their fifth year of schooling there.

Sirius wondered how they were going to cope in the coming year; he wondered (for a little longer) how he was going to cope.

For a few fleeting moments he had thought that he might be spending the whole year with his beloved godson, he had not considered the prospect of discussing his feelings with the boy, but just to be around him, Sirius felt something with him, some great inner completion, something like he had felt for James at one time, only this was stronger, and he was less able to overcome it with thoughts of other things, for a whole year, since he has first really met Harry, he had yearned for the few precious hours they wound spend together, he had longed for a moment when he could make Harry laugh, or smile, and see that the boy he loved was happy.

He could see that Harry was sad, and he had the right to be sad didn�t he? Of course he did! Harry had been through more in his 15 years that any other wizard ever had, he had faced the dark lord in person twice and survived, a feat no one else could understand, the turmoil Sirius knew he must face every time he saw a living human, and know that by right he should no longer be among them.

Sirius wept for the loss of innocence, but as he cried he realized there was more to be wept for because this child had never known innocence, he had never been victim to its weakening qualities, he had never known any other way. This, Sirius mused, was why Harry felt only as much pain as he did, not more.

And now Sirius� thoughts took another path, this CHILD, this child had never known innocence, but he was still a child. How did he, Sirius, ever in his wildest dreams think that Harry Potter, the BOY who lived could ever love, in this way, Sirius Black; on the run, innocent yes, but no less on the run, and more than that; best friends of Harry�s own father and more than twenty years Harry�s senior.

How could Sirius expect Harry to feel for him anything more or different to feelings of a loving son? Anything more that fraternal or paternal love? How? Sirius wept in the realization that he could never have Harry as he wanted, never feel Harry�s skin against his and never be so close to Harry that his, deepest of loves was satisfied.

He wept for the loss of his love.

*

Harry lay in his bed at Hogwarts, and thought of the summer he had spent with his godfather, the summer he had spent hoping against hope that Sirius might find him alone in a deserted room one day, hoping against hope that Sirius HAD wanted him to stay at Grimauld Place with him, because as much as he loved Hogwarts and all his friends there, and he was happy to be back, a part of him wished that he lad been able to live at Grimauld Place and share a life with Sirius.

Yet Sirius had not seemed keen to spend any more time with Harry than usual. In fact he seemed much more distant than usual.

Harry knew Sirius loved him, as a son, or Nephew, but this was not the love Harry wanted. He wished, that Sirius loved Him in that deeper, more desperate way.

Harry felt the burning need to be near to Sirius, to feel his body and to be held by him, and told he was safe, and that Sirius loved him, and would always be his.

*

Days, weeks and months later Harry stood weeping in his headmaster�s office. He had just been through the worst experience of his life. He had just watched the one he loved die.

Finally Harry had thought he might have what he had dreamed of and in a few precious moments it had been taken away.

Harry remembered the time he had spent with Sirius, the singular night, Christmas night, when he had gotten what he wanted. And so, it seemed, had Sirius. Harry remembered the way Sirius had held him against his body and the way then had been together as one. He remembered the love Sirius had sworn to him
�I will never leave you Harry, I love you to much.� But now what had he done? He had gone, left Harry, alone in the world, with no one who understood the pain he felt, not only because his godfather was dead, but because the only person he had ever had the chance to love was dead.

Harry felt an incessant burning hatred of the woman who had killed Sirius. He wanted to rip her to shreds with his own bare hands; the killing curse would not be enough for her. He wanted to make her feel every bit of pain he could offer her. He wanted to give her all the pain she had given him.

He wept again for the loss of the one he loved and realized that no matter how much pain he felt from the death no amount of pain he could deal out would bring him back, and this soothed Harry, what was done was done, and the emptiness inside him receded the smallest fraction. At least now he knew the man he loved had loved him too.

*Fin*

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