Why the Internet Is Like a Penis?
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it difficult to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Useful acronyms
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
(This one I got from Asaf Gery)
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft
:Patron
: Waiter!Waiter
: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?Patron
: There's a fly in my soup!Waiter
: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.Patron
: No, it's still there.Waiter
: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.Patron
: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.Waiter
: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?Patron
: A SOUP bowl!Waiter
: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?Patron
: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?Waiter
: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?Patron
: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!Waiter
: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?Patron
: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?Waiter
: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.Patron
: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?Waiter
: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.Patron
: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter
: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.Patron
: This is potato soup.Waiter
: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.Patron
: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.[Waiter leaves.]
Patron
: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!-------------------------------
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note:
Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge
(will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
(This one I got from Asaf Gery)
IF CARS HAD OPERATING SYSTEMS!!!
*MS-DOS: you get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
*Windows: you get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
*Unix: you get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barbershop.
*Windows NT: you get in the car and write a letter that says, "Go to the Store" Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.
*OS/2: After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
*S/36 SSP Mainframe, OBV: you get in the car and drive to the store, Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
*OS/400: an attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
(This one I got from my sister Donna)
virus mania
The AT&T Virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.The MCI Virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS:
Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.COLIN POWELL VIRUS
: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS:
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS:
You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MBArnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be backBOB DOLE VIRUS:
Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2):
Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Right to Life Virus:
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.Government Economist Virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says, everything is fine.FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.LAPD Virus:
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.PBS VIRUS:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it.SEARS VIRUS:
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gbefore.HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
