Dear Ah Beng, how do I get back at my kwai lan neighbour?

Dear Ah Beng,

I got this neighbour, hor, he very kwai lan one.

Lately, hor, he say he want to build this fence between our house and his house. The old fence nothing wrong, and some more, not say I say what, but his design si beh obiang one. (I think so he use a contractor from JB.) But aiyah, I give him face and said OK. But he still buay song that I was reluctant at first, so he go and suan me behind my back to other people. I really, really want to hoot him, but my wife say I shouldn’t be as low class as him. How?

Pride Minister


Dear Pride Minister,

Wah lan eh. Neighbour-neighbour this sort of thing, hor, very chia lat one. Because whack him oreddy, hor, must still live with him next door, and everyday see his bin chow chow one.

The best way is to be more cool. Say neh’mine, but quietly go behind his back and see a real estate agent. Tell the real estate agent you want to buy your neighbour’s house, but not to reveal your identity to the neighbour. Then the estate agent should tell your neighbour that the only sticking point is his ugly fence and that if he took it down, it would greatly improve his chances of selling at a good price. He sure immeelly go and take it down one. Once he does this, then you cancel the deal. Your neighbour sure damn LPPL, one.

Of course, you could always resort to classical Ah Beng ways of getting revenge. Like scratching his car, or poisoning his dog.

And if you do’wan to do this yourself, then we here at the Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society can he’pchu do it, for a commission.

But make sure you don’tch play punk with us, or else we will go and buy your neighbours’ house ourselves and then you’ll be living next to us. And I guarantee you we will turn the place into a gambling den or orh kwee keng.

--AH BENG