Difficult English
The bandage was wound around the
wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the
present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know
what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work
performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL
QUALIFIED: Has
committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead
of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY
OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO
INSTRUCTION: Knows
more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH
SUPERIORS: Knows
when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT
PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds
someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE
JOB: Miserable home
life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND
CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION
TO DETAIL: A
nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF
LEADERSHIP: Has a
loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY
SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL
ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO
PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL
WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE
ORGANIZATION: Turns
in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY
DEVELOPMENTS: An
office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE
ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if
supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR
OFTEN: Pain in the
ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except
original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel
appreciated.
How about living backwards? A better way
to live.
The most unfair thing about life
is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your
time. What do you get at the end of it? A death.
What is that, a bonus? I
think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out
of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out
when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You
work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for University then
High School. You go to Secondary school and become a kid to Primary
School. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a
baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you
finish off as an orgasm.
I know! She didn’t trust
me
A businessman and his secretary,
overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a
"nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of
town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing leads to another,
the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I
forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies.
"I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he
returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims.
"She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Watch out for your NRIC
A Mom is driving a little girl to
her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks,
"how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl,
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite."
the mother warns.
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and
are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks,
"Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks
away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me
anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the
friend, "all you need to do is look at her NRIC. It is like a report card,
it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her
mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised
and asks, "How did you find that out?"
” The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and
daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the
girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."