Two friends meet
on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The
other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved
in?"
The sad fellow
said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty
thousand dollars."
"That's not
bad."
"Hold on,
I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the
bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"Sounds
like you should be grateful."
"Last week
my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"Then how
come you look so glum?"
"This
week...nothing!"
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you
have to help me. Every time I go to the
bathroom, DIMES come out!"
The doctor tells
her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the
woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse!
Every time I go
to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor
tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
Another week
passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not
getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT
THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says,
"Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"
On the first day
of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will
be fined $20 the first time."
He continued:
"Anybody caught breaking this rule
the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a
male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Do you need a
copy?
The Prime Minister of
China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case
you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything."
Musharraf
calls Bush on 11th Sept:
Musharraf: Mr
President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy.
So many people, such great buildings...I would like to ensure that we had
nothing in connection with that...It
was not us..
Bush: What
buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh,
and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's
eight in the morning.
Musharraf:
Oops...Will call back in an hour!
AFTER SPENDING
A NIGHT WITH JULIA ROBERTS, BILL GATES
SAYS HAPPILY
"NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE CALL HER PRETTY WOMAN". JULIA SAYS UNHAPPILY
"NOW I KNOW WHY HE IS MICROSOFT".
A husband asks
his wife, "You want to try a different position tonight?"
The wife
replies, "That's a good idea. Why don't you stand at the sink and do the
dishes and I'll sit in the recliner and fart?"
The
photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge
forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he
frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting
for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he
got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the
runway.
He jumped in
with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over
the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three
or four low level passes."
"Why?"
asked the pilot.
"Because
I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
After a long
pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
At a dinner
party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech
when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper
with the word "KISS"
scribbled on it.
A guest seated
next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin
your speech.
She must love
you very much."
The speaker
replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it
short, Stupid."
The triumph of
medicine An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking
for work in six weeks."
A German
doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it
in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian
doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a
heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work
in two weeks."
The American
doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we just took a
man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the
country is looking for work.
Bush and
Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't
that Bush and Powell?"
The barman
says "Yep, thats them." So
the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are u guys doing?"
And Bush says,
"We're planning world war 3" And the guy says, "Really?
What's going
to happen?" And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Afghans this time and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy
exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So Bush turns
to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the 140
million Afghans!"
A psychiatrist
was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small
children.
"You all
have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy!" He turned to
the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name,Penny!" He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession
is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy!" At
this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"