A little boy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home the little boy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said the little Boy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, the boy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,
"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" "If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird" the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up , he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and next thing I know I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
A six-year-old walks into
the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last
few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom
and when I looked to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and
bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight
and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get
all the air out of him." The little kid just shakes his head and says,
"Mom, you're wasting your time, because, once a week, that nice-looking
lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which LittleJohnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
...do you ever feel like this person?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine,
too much pressure from my job, earwax
buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked . . . Here's why: The population of this
country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving
19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000
to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people
to do the work. You and I.
And there you are sitting at your computer reading this MountainWings
issue.
Leaving me to do all the work.
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After
a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones
who
stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is
my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the
bottom
of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business administration soon he
was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder
becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of
the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is
also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him.He started working at a
traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become
a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the
company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!!
My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in
the
best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction
company and became very successful and a
multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive
to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq
ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for
the successes of theirs sons.
The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned
and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One
of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes
of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a
living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What
a shame
that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The
fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He
is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he
is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed
and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three
boyfriends.
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had
saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
He
loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he
said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all
my
money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money
to the after life." So he got his wife to promise him with all her
heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with
him.
Well one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said
"Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and
rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough
to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian,
I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that
casket
with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money
in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into My account and I wrote him a check."
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without
a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just
a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use
it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place
to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.