A man was playing golf one day and he hit his ball deep into the rough. As
he was searching for his ball he happened to find a bottle laying in the grass
and when he picked it up, a great genie appeared.
"This is terrific," the man said. "Does this mean that I get
three wishes granted?" he inquired. "Yes," replied the genie,
"But be careful, for whatever you wish, your wife will get ten times greater."
So, the man thought and he finally said, "Make me the best golfer at the
club." The genie told him, "You will be the best male golfer at the
club, but your wife will be ten times better." "Okay," he said,
"Give me a million dollars." The genie replied, "It is granted,
but your wife now has ten million dollars."
The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely." And
the man replied, "Give me a slight heart attack."
Keep my balls in the air while I'm driving
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop
at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf
league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his
round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries.
He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching
his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys
out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please
do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I
can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and
put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket
and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and
fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees
in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee,
what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in
the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac
people think of everything."
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th
green the guy misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed."
The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on
the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit,
I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language
on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill
him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit,
I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and
kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says,
"God dammit, I missed."
A blonde came home from her first day commuting
into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little pale and asked, "Honey,
are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting
backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."