Untitled Document

Date: Thursday, March 11, 2004

Coach

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his

lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

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Oh, my god!

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest ‘willy’ he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge ‘willy’ like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's ‘willy’.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe,"

he said, and he opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Not again

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,

"I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Principal

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

Complicated algebra

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes. Knowledge is Power. Time is Money,... and, as every engineer knows:

Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1)

T = M (2)

P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:

K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and

2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

M = W/K (6)

Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

W = M K (7)

Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

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