A couple went to the hospital together to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had a revolutionary
new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even
10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband seemed to
be feeling fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it
up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood
pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At
this, they decided to try for 50 percent. This, still, did not seem to
have any negative effect on him.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him. His wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
She was even allowed to leave the hospital the very same day!
Later that afternoon, when they got home, they found their next door neighbor
dead on their front porch.
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife naked
on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart
attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's
hiding
in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into
the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the
nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting
of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was
unusual was
that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in
the middle had a VERY PINK penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to
figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion.
"Can I help
you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about
this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in
the middle
has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted
the painting. The three men are not Negros, they're coal miners, and the
fellow in
the middle went home for lunch!"
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood
and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting
into it,
their young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?" "You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured. "I'm not hurting her. We are making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad. "It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday,"
the boy answered. "The mailman is upstairs eating them!"
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and
found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's
only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at $2.
The client called the broker and said,
"You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The
client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more
shares said the client."
"Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper
and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to
the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a
5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are
without their boyfriends and
husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them
how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find
what you are looking for, you can
stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you
what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign
reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh
and without hesitation move
on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the
men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men
here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there
is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on
up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
There were these two 95-year-old men sitting at the senior
center one day when the one states, "I have to get right home!"
"What's your hurry?" asks the other. "Me and the wife are having sex again
today."
"Again? How often do you have sex?" "Every day! I don't have time to talk
but I'll tell you what the secret is - Pumpernickel Bread." And he scurried
off.
As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered
in. "Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?" he asked the lady behind the
counter.
"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread." "I'll take it all," the
old man blurts out. The lady was surprised and says, "All of it? It will
get hard."
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the
night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning,
before he left, he
told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would
have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment
"Rent for
Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a
check for $250 and enclosed
a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount
of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon because when I rented
the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you
expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As
for the heat, there is plenty of it
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed
of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please
don't blame
the landlord."
President Clinton was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"
The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."
To the redhead, he asked the same question.
She replied, "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000."
When he approached the brunette, he asked the same question
and she said: "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised my taxes,
and can get your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours
as hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do to the public,
believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to
celebrate their 75th wedding anniversery. The old man leans forward and
says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.
It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked
like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75
years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever
hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,.. I must
know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in
the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his
eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "YOU".