Ah Beng's Maths
The teacher asked Ah Beng, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said,
"Four, teacher?". She said, " Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers.
Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me
what's three and three". He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around,
and answered, "Six, teacher?". She said,
"Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers.
Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five". He put
his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?".
TEACHER AND JONNY
A teacher asks her class; "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies: "None, they all fly away with the
first gun shot""
The teacher replies; "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking." Then, Little Johnny says; "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down
the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied;
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the
cone." To which LittleJohnny replied; "The
correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your
thinking."
Mom, you waste time
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is
preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to
this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it
is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing
that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says,"Your
dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I
bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says,"Mom,
you're wasting your time, because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next
door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
SUNBATHING GUY AND LITTLE GIRL
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl
coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The
girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,mister? "A
bird", the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell
asleep. When he woke up , he was in a hospital in
tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied,
"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates,
and next thing I know I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found
the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its
eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Legs sticking in the air
A little boy came home from school to see the families
pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had
set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came
home the little boy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking
in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from
the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great,"said
the little Boy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, the boy rushed out to meet him
yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom
and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,
"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"
"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her
for sure! "
Horse riding
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in
and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I
ride on your back?" Daddy relieved that Johnny's not asking more
uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts
moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the
part where me and the milkman usually get bucked
off!"
Babies
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?
"No," said his Mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Be strong honey. I love you!
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love
you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you,
too!"
Easy way of making money
A young man asked an old rich man how he
made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was
1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to
my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire
day polishing them and sold them at
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
You just don't have time to get dressed!
The census taker rang the
doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.
"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions.
"How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen," The lady replied.
"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist -- you just don't have
time to get dressed!"
Ah Beng
says: ”I can do better?- 1
Last time the
Only two applicants showed up: Ah Beng and Ah Lian.
The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the
one with the best act.
At first glance it appeared that Ah Lian was much
better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape,
with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
Ah Beng only distinguishing feature was a soggy
cigarette stuffed between his nicotined-teeth.
The owner asked who would like to go first, and Ah Beng
said, "Ladies first."
So Ah Lian asked for her special music to be played,
and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping.
She signaled the attendant to release the tiger.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. Ah Lian
threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the
day she was born.
The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward
her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head
moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's
face all around the cage.
Then the owner looked at Ah Beng and said,
"That's quite an act,...
Think you can do better than that?"
Ah Beng spit out his cigarette, licked his lips and
said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"
Ah Beng says: ”I can do better?- 2
Wife to Ah Beng:"Look!
Our neighbour Ah Chwee is
hugging and kissing his wife Ah geok. He is really a
good lover."
Without hesitation, Ah Beng answered:"I
can do better if he doesn't mind."
What a job!
Two Polacks were driving east across the
country. When they got to
As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress
because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the
way.
When they finally arrived in
The two Polacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"
Proferrsor and his wife
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching
assistant. I'll be home before
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that
read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a
mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife
Hiking
A father came home from a long business trip to find
his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked.
"It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort
of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash
from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from
the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me
to take a hike"
Late For Class
One day, three boys were late for class. The first boy came in, and the
substitute teacher asked him where he'd been. He said, "I was on top of
Then the third boy came in, and the teacher asked him where he'd been, and he
said, "On top of
Then a girl came in, and the substitute said, "I guess you were on top of
"No," she said, "I AM
Back fired
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful
woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally
goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly
and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at
him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations. "
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?"
A little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the
room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not
understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his
zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his Calling her in, he asked,
"By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning,
did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who
was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw
was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Emergency flashers
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of
the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the
rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening
their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly,
one of the worst pileups in the history of this highway occurs. It's not very
long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the
blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on
here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well,
what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. And she
said...(This is good..)"Those are my emergency
flashers!"