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31/10/2017
haha i logged back on to tumblr and it was a desert island. I'm at my parents house and it is Halloween, I love them so much. i am eating spicy dumplings fucking yummy. Really excited to see Alex G in February.
13/09/2017
i had a terrible incredible dream and i've rewound my body with medication so it feels tired but resilient. this week i go to my doctor and he's younger than me but pretty nice. i feel bitter feelings of jealousy, knowing that there's this world of nice people with ironed clothes, proper friendships and kind family. the kinds of people who are measured and certain. people who iron their sheets and play sports. girls with non fly away hair. in my dream i'm in a familiar garbage dump full of electronic equipment and dvds. i fall in lust with a serial killer who takes off his skin methodically like he's removing his socks. he applies makeup on his teeth.
4/08/2017
Gonna keep trying to be grateful. I ate most of a tahini scroll and now feel so constipated from eating terrible food all week.
Sometimes this woman I know tries to get a specific reaction from me (wonder, happiness, sadness, laughing at her joke) and trying to keep my reactions within a respected timeframe is so hard. It sounds mean, hey. Maybe I'm just tired.
18/07/2017
I convinced mysel over a few years that I needed something, needed someone, needed things, needed my pants to sit on my hips in a certain way, needed my face to thin out, my body crooked and wasted from drinking too little, faded from indulging too much. How do I tell the people I meet that I want them in a certain way but I can barely decide what that is.
Home Home Home time tonight :) I had a good cry last night and I feel soft today. I haven't updated my tumblr, so all these s*x bots keep adding me? Ugh
11/07/2017
not many people know that our family cat passed away on my birthday when I turned 25. those times have resurfaced for a few reasons lately. it's funny when you look at your surroundings through the window of a car, then a bus, then i dunno. then it's like nothing's really changed and you're still the same person in a shifted skin.
he tells me he's not sure if I hate him. hate is.. it is such effort. I dunno, I'm kinda tired of being a person with feelings and kinda tired in general. Energy feels measured out and even didactic and purposeful but for no reason?
I will say this though, reading the bell jar all the way back when...clarified many things for me that are only coming into focus now.
27/06/2017
I can't stop listening to Nedelle Torrisi. Fuck, i remember adding her to facebook and saying hi to her on imessage 2 years ago. When I was going home and busting to almost piss myself in ashfield mall, I ran into the mall toilets and saw that she said hi back. The thing I wanted to think about was that I had one of her songs stuck in my head. it starts off like bells, and arpeggiates up a little like a step formation then back down, four beats per bar and I can hum it. I have scoured spotify + youtube and I can't find it, I feel like I heard her sing it in a dream but my mind is so detailed and erratic about it!!!
23/06/2017
haha I have been listening to the tronicbox remix of glamorous by Fergie ft Ludacris at the very least every 2nd day. It's uplifting somehow.
1) I am really frustrated and it's taking a toll on my body
2) I better go book in for a massage, but not with the woman who kept trying to talk about her own conservative politics. whoops
3) I had to go to communications training and the trainer said it's been scientifically proven that women can't multi-task. I brush my teeth while I pee sometimes. Explain that mate.
4) Wrote down a lot of anecdotes and maybe better for it.
5) 5+ cups of tea a day and Burwood tonight
20/06/2017
i hav gold hoops in my ears n i'm finally a woman ahaha. ugh my eyes hurt and i did yoga tonight in wr. i ate some cookies with some chai tea just now. yum! Gonna go to bed soon. I'm writing a story on tumblr about getting the L20 bus in 2007, missing the stop at wr and getting stuck near silverwater bridge, drinking at the local pub and having sex in the toilets with some old cunny. It's gonna be a sad story but it would be a happier one if the guy met his fate by getting stabbed in the pokies room and ending up in westmead hospital.
It will be in all black and white and the last scene will be in colour fucking wong kar wai that shit right here
tbh can't be bothered writing it hahahaha
18/06/2017
Saturday - got my papsmear done in the arvo and it was uncomfortable but necessary. Also learnt to feel my boobs every month. I met up wih my friend in the city afterwards and I bought a fidget spinna. We ate a lot of food, drank tea, went to Daiso, but not even in that order. we are planning our trip in September and the date is getting closer, I'm so excited. We talked a lot and it was a fun night!
I bought acne ointment because my hormones are high as fuck, I can tell because a lot of my hair is falling out AND its greasy which it usually gets around period time but I obv do not have my period anymore really. I think to myself that I have all this clean underwear and that is typically unlike me in every respect. I have to drink more water and be more cautious because I snack constantly and eat junkfood almost daily. I ate 3 chocolate scones over the weekend, drank lots of cuppas. Had a banh mi for early dinner.
I broke sobriety a bit because there were little thimbles of gin going around at this go-betweens event on Friday. I feel like there's a really cultural Sydney that will never accept me hahahaha I'm kinda glad though. My body feels warm and I feel really accepted around people who are kind to me. I scroll through a lot of pictures I take and it's hard to accept that changes inevitably happen. I look at my lonely habits and sad behaviour and it's ok, it's alright.
15/06/2017
I bought a donut after work because I needed to relax but now I'm just full of sugar. Even when I'm stressed it's not been that hard to enjoy myself. I had a boyfriend once (yeah believe it or not) who suggested that I was small minded, or frivolous. I don't know. He's not the first person I've been with to suggest this about me. Maybe men are just full of complex thoughts and ideas that I could never ever ever comprehend. I'm sure that is definitely the case. I'm painting my nails and sitting here with sugary thoughts and sugary blood waiting for Mon to message me back. I think I should step out of the house but I don't want to deal with conversations that don't present easy exits. haha
13/06/2017
oh yeah at the family pad tonight just hanging out drinking tea. Dad gave me an incredible jacket that he was gonna throw out and FAROUT it's so cool. i have been getting bullied at work which brings down my mood a lot but honestly honestly, i feel really good today and i'm processing it well, not denying it, just making plans to eventually even leave perhaps??? We'll see. It's just work and it's hard. I ate a nice dinner and I feel pretty good physically, just need to stretch my back out more. I'm really excited about making soup, just gotta pick a good one :)
11/06/2017
I've only eaten nutrigrain today but I did do my washing early, move furniture around a lil bit and i'm watching shows. :)
10/06/2017
I paid attention to my own thoughts and feelings more so today and I think I'm learning a bit more about what makes me feel comfortable or how to moderate that. Good on ya Chon.
For the first time in several years, I used the staff toilets in Market City and remembered having heavy periods in those bathroom stalls. Things sure are different now and I can recognise the weariness in other retail workers. Memories of people waiting for me to finish shift and remembering my own volatile emotions and wanting to feel cared for but barely knowing how to do it for myself. Days gone by. hahahah
06/06/2017 10:20pm
I'm trying hard to remember and remind myself that the summers of the future will be different. you used to tap on the glass of the window while I ate gelato, staring into space. I keep wondering what a friend is and whether my own hard rigid boundaries have made me the softest that I can ever try to be. you know when you pour milk into a tea and it clouds up... that's what my feelings have been like lately. like soft ballooning jellyfish, like the blush of something careful that I'm trying to contain. something embarrassing i don't know how to manage.
I'm sorry I can't say goodbye to you tomorrow, I'll be in class. I've been thinking of you a lot and about the trees, the soil, animals and the parklands. I'm sorry.
06/06/2017
Sometimes my mind can't catch up
2/06/2017
I'm really anxious but it will fade away and I think things will be ok for a few reasons. I'm hanging in there. Bad turn of phrase.
30/05/2017
i can't resist boasting that i won our team the drawing challenge at Trivia last night. The theme for the challenge was Intense Durian. You won't guess what I drew. HAHA
29/05/2017
I walked outside to buy Vietnamese food for lunch and I went past a nice looking house. All these things were there for free and you could take them. I took an oil candle jar, 2 floral napkins and some pink paper. I am going to set up a self care/sewing table in my room because I can I guess.
I had a nice weekend, except someone I don't really interact with anymore was rude to me. Unfortunate AND unpleasant. What a combination. Apart from that it was ok. I had a really good time at zine fair and met/caught up with wonderful people so I feel really lucky.
27/05/2017
hey just me hanging out in the office last night at around 9 pm or something
25/05/2017
Pretty good spirits this week, I am ticking off things that need doing and getting ahead. My room is comfortable though my mind is far from clear. I worked on my zine for 2 hours last night in the office (with permission) and I am buying stationery supplies tonight. I have mushrooms and zucchini for lunch and I might buy a garlic naan.
23/05/2017
i am annoyed that every time I edit this page, the counter just thinks i am a visitor, so its like I'm cheating but I'm not even trying to!!!!!!!!!
22/05/2017
i guess it has been a while. sorry! I had a really nice weekend and the only drawback really, was that I left my washing out and there was dew all over it this morning. Got to work early/on time for a change and that's pretty good.
the ticket barriers hit my shoulder because i didn't have my opal card this morning whoops. a high pitched alarm sounded and i kept walking! i might get a noodles for lunch but i'm undecided.
17/05/17
i drank a strawberry milk tonight and tried to clean my room again. it looks nice actually. maybe a little bit. i keep remembering all these things that were important to me and they are not now. ate noodles for dinner with greens and tofu. yum. I'm gonna cook more if I can, but I get a bit tired to be honest
16/05/17
Excited to eat dinner tonight with my family. I think it's Pizza. 2 people are smoking on the balcony and i have had 2 soy chais and 1 rooibos tea today. I brought my tea from home because i am not drinking much tea at home. They have finished smoking and are back now.
14/05/17
Met up with family for Mother's Day. Went to Din Tai Fung for lunch and had tea afterwards. Mum likes the baklava and tofu i bought for her. Walked through the Botanical Gardens enroute to the AGNSW. Tim says it should be AGNSFW. Saw DJ DougPoundd of Pound House Youtube fame and was too awestruck to say anything and also mildly embarrassed for no reason but now glad I didn't say anything.
The art was very good. Walked over to QVB with my cousin Tim. Also I forgot to mention we saw Ibis. They are magestic. I ate macarons with Tim.
Bought soy milk and strawberry milk to bring to work.
13/05/17
I am trying to clean my room and make it nice. I will try to clean for 2 hours each day and try my best. Too many things. Too much clutter. Need to create some physical space so my mind can breathe easy. Wow what a nice day. I am having sluggish weekdays and the weekends are a lot kinder to me. Also I got a haircut and the woman who cut my hair was very nice to me. When I put my hat on after the hair cut she said 'You're cute.' Its not my fav compliment but I know what she meant and I liked it when she said it.
12/05/17
4:50pm
I looked at some 1 bedroom studios on the internet and felt a rising panic. I think some of that is coupled with the memory of living in an apartment and not feeling like there was an easy escape. Looking at the skyline, looking at my university campus like a speck in the horizon when I looked out the balcony. Looking into my old slow domestic life and feeling really hopeless and quiet. Feeling the sort of quiet that looms and whispers like attachment, not comfort.
These days I look through the window of my room and see the attic of the house next to ours and I can see the kitchen light of the room below the attic. I wonder if they can see me and I don't really care. I have gone a year with no curtains and have no complaints.
The truth is I like where I live but have had a couple of bad living experiences in general. I mean who hasn't? I've resolved them but it doesn't stop me from feeling down on myself you know? I'm nervous about someone visiting soon and we will play music. I don't have a lot of confidence but I really love playing and even cried playing the other night. It was too much.
I am staying behind for work tonight and meeting my cousin before 10pm. I tend to stay behind at work when I have a lot on my mind.
Today it is a bit rainy. I tidied my room for not very long last night. I will try and re-arrange some things so it is more comfortable.
I'm giving it a little while before I plan to live by myself. I think this is best.
I have a lot of things to complete today so I will start doing that.
11/05/17
Oh yeah what did I do yesterday? I gave my vape stick to a co worker who is trying to quit smoking. I showed her how to charge it, refill flavours and to change the mouth piece thing. Had training till 9:00pm and oh boy was I tired. Pizza for dinner - complimentary food for all staff. Vege pizza and soft drinks.
I saw the Opera House under the moon tonight and the Harbour Bridge too. I ate a nice dinner I cooked for myself.
9/05/2017
11:18pm
I had a small text message confrontation that almost ruined my night last night. I'm only thinking of it now because I'm talking to my friend after seeing some particularly hurtful stuff thrown her way.
I try my hardest to be balanced and to keep my head on my shoulders. Is that weird? I have been thinking a lot about my childhood and it hurts me to think about. Returning to the family home brings a lot of that up for me. I still try, I still try.
Sometimes I try without thinking and that is weird. Freedom is really lovely and I need to take advantage of it more. I think my emotions imprison me all the time.
Mid morning i guess-
Today is data entry day - even though it's unofficial, it is still true. I was going to watch some relaxing TV shows last night before bedtime but I didn't end up doing that. I wish I had made better plans I guess.
On the weekend I ate a lot of Nepalese food with my family and that was nice.
It is training day at work this Wednesday, which means I won't be able to leave till 9:00pm. Oh nooo.
8/05/2017
12:40am
A great day so far! Goodnight!
6/05/2017
10:51am
um what the heck? i tried to edit my webpage on my phone and a few entries got deleted, which is briefly upsetting and also annoying. i have a page counter now so that's fun!
if it helps, i remember i wanted to get gozleme at hunter connection yesterday but i actually ended up gtting 3 curries. i was really hungry and ate all of it.
truthfully, i had tried to write a post about some issues i am dealing with but perhaps its for the best to not use geocities for that. maybe that is what anon tumblr is for?i uploaded 2 pics to my instagram this morning and i am showered and dressed. my favourite black shorts given to me by mon are still at my mum and dads house. i am seeing them tomorrow so that's nice.
I ate lunch and played piano near the deck for a bit. It was nice. Now a few people have hopped out to smoke cigarettes so it is almost the end of my break I think.
I ate some chocolate cake and have had a couple of tiny wins. haha
I am going to go to Burwood food court tonight and eat some vegetarian schnitzel and chips. I need to remember that I am seeing mum and dad for Thanksgiving on Sunday. It's not real Thanksgiving, my dad just calls it that.
10:24
i am late to work and i am eating an apple danish at my desk and someone just asked me how come google looks different for some reason. Hmm I'm not sure to be honest.
I am going to make a cup of tea and keep nibbling on this pastry.
2/05/2017
11:55pm
It was a good day. I had few frustrations and broke maybe a couple of rules and had my patience tested a couple of times.
I cooked crispy dumplings and uploaded two pictures on to instagram.
Whilst I worry about a lot of things, it can't be helped. I will go to sleep soon
3:10 pm
Had a really frustrating phone call that went on for ages. Also, before lunch time someone wanted to tell me about how stressful it is to catch the bus. What can you do, right?????
i am at work right now and on a lunch break. i have noodles for lunch again and there is a chocolate cake in the fridge, which i hope i will get to eat a bit of.
today is a really sunny day but i wore my beanie because i am worried the temperature change will lead to me catching a cold.
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