Title: Feminist Feelings ???

Author: Christine

Rating: PG

Spoilers: S3 - all Amy eps

 

Started: 3/20/02

Finished: ????

Notes: This is a small collection of post-eps from Amy’s POV, who I am trying desperately to understand. With much gratitude to Julia, who held my hand and gave me a great analysis of Amy’s personality.

 

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Nov. 30

 

Looks like my note to the First Lady worked. She sent a representative from the White House right away. And not just any representative, but the Deputy Chief of Staff, Joshua Lyman. Special J.

 

I haven’t seen him in years. Sure, I’ve kept up with his career, just as he’s kept up with mine. That’s what we do in D.C. - watch one another to figure out who’s on their way up and who’s on their way down. You need to keep on eye on the important players. Josh? He’s been on his way up for a while now.

 

Wow, that smile is incredible! Was it always like that? How could I not have noticed this back when we were in college? Maybe because I was too wrapped up in his roommate, Chris, who was way too wrapped up in himself.  I’ve heard rumors that he’s either dating his assistant or the pollster from California. Wonder if they’re true? Only way to find out is to ask.

 

So he’s not dating Donna Moss or Joey Lucas, and he came all the way across town to tell me something that he could have said over the phone. Is he trying to flirt with me? I’m tempted to flirt back, but I’m not sure if I want to pursue this.

 

Dec. 23

 

Another late night at a bar. It seems like my life is a series of arranged political meetings. Not that I mind too much; the thrill of being the leading women’s advocate always gets to me. But, sometimes, it would be nice to be wanted for myself.

 

I kissed him to shut him up. He was trying to be romantic and sensitive, I know. But I’m not sure I want him to be romantic. Political, impassioned, driven? Yes. But romantic? Not so much. I’m confused enough about my love life and where I stand with John. I don’t need further complications to screw it up. And starting any type of relationship with J. would screw it up.

 

Jan. 20

 

J. thinks John may be using me to further his career. I have to admit that the thought has crossed my mind before, especially at events such as these, when photo ops abound.  I realize that in some ways I’m merely a trophy for John to show off, but he’s also a trophy for me. And we do care about one another. Does Josh know this?

 

It’s hard for me to figure out his angle. He seems interested, but he also seems hesitant. Does he want a girlfriend or a political ally? Is it because of my behavior the other night? I’ve misled him in so many ways. First, by telling him about my relationship with John and then kissing him on his front steps. Later, when I refused to talk to him after he suggested that John was using me. I think we should meet after tonight’s activities and clear the air between us.

 

Feb. 20

 

This week has been a disaster. John proposed and I panicked. I’m happy with things the way they are now. I’m not ready for marriage. My first instinct was to go to Josh’s place and tell him. When did that become instinct? When we first tumbled into bed together at my place and I realized that if I was going to be in a politically based relationship, I wanted it to be with J.? So I found myself at Josh’s apartment, deep in a debate on love, politics and power dating, at 5am.

 

Feb. 22

 

He asked me to go to Tahiti. Tahiti – as in the tropical island far, far away from D.C. I said yes.  Am I crazy? I’m not sure where this relationship is headed and it’s moving very quickly. Maybe it’s moving too quickly, but I found myself answering yes. Now I’m settled on my bed contemplating the need for a new swimsuit and learning Tahitian phrases from a guidebook.

 

Feb. 24

 

We didn’t go to Tahiti. Something came up at the White House and Josh couldn’t take the time away. I wanted to stay mad at him about it, but this is what I asked for when I started a relationship with him. Hit and run. His job will always be more important than me, and I know that. In some ways, that reassures me. I know where I stand with him.  On the other hand, he does completely idiotic and romantic things, like setting up our very own tropical get-a-way, that tells me he wants me to be his number one priority.  No one has ever taken the time or effort to do something like this for me. If I was unsure about the wisdom of ending my old relationship with John and starting a new relationship with Josh, this clears it up for me. Josh wants me in his life as a woman, not just as a political trophy. Now if I could only figure out what I want him in my life as?

 

March 5

 

I shouldn’t have done what I did at the First Lady’s birthday party. It was underhanded. Or overhead, or backward, or whatever Josh referred to it as. (I don’t see this as being sorry. Simply that she knows, on some level, that it was wrong. And by making fun of how Josh referred to her actions, she’s negating how very wrong.) And I led Josh on by making him believe I had given up on the issue. I could have waited until tomorrow to approach Josh or Leo, or even Bruno. But I didn’t.  Sometimes, it takes maneuvers like these to be heard. I’ve learned that the hard way. Too many late nights arguing with Senators and Representatives, too many dates that weren’t dates at all, too many drinks at piano bars to discuss issues that never get mentioned on the floor, have taught me well. My personal motto is ‘Carpe Diem.’

 

Simply put, I did what I had to do. And it was so easy. I merely mentioned Donna’s name and he went running, giving me plenty of time to approach Mrs. Bartlet about including some women’s names on the short list. I used their friendship to distract Josh.  If it was any other woman, I might be worried. But since it’s Donna, I’m not worried at all. She’s a very nice woman, if a bit under-educated and dull. She deserves the vibrancy of someone like J. in her life. And I’m glad that he has someone as dedicated as Donna to run his office. Who cares if she gets him most of the time? I’m the one that gets him in my bed at night.

 

Josh wants to separate our personal and political lives. I’m not quite sure why. We’re both political people at heart, and no amount of sex or romance is going to stop us from being that. To be honest, I don’t believe it’s possible to separate the two. I think they’re hopelessly intertwined, which is fine with me. It’s J. that has the problem with it.

 

I think he’s trying to be the romantic that he claims he never got to be in college. There are definite bonuses to the romantic side of Josh. The sex is incredible and the intensity of his dimpled smile is enough to leave you speechless. But why can’t he see that I enjoy the political side of him too? It’s what attracted me to him in the first place. I want him for his mind; I don’t just want the romantic side of Josh. That’s not the type of woman I am. And I didn’t think that was the type of man he was. But I’m beginning to think maybe I was wrong.

 

**********

 

May 15

 

Ahhh! It should have been a lovely Sunday – my man and a day away from work. I even made stew. It was going to be a great day. Unfortunately, life never quite seems to work that way. The man got called into work. And then brought the work home. Which would have been fine, but then he expected me to just sit on the information he provided. I immediately went into political mode. I don’t think adding a the marriage rider to the Welfare Reform Act is a good idea. In fact, it’s a horrible idea. I would rather not have the reform act go through then agree to the rider. And I plan to make sure that all of my connections know that. Unfortunately, josh can’t understand my problem. He thinks I’m out to get him personally. I’m not. But neither will I let Bartlet and his administration destroy this important legislation with the marriage rider. And I will do everything in my power to prevent it, including taking advantage of the inside knowledge J provided me. This is too important to let my personal relationship get in the way.

 

May 17

 

Should I be happy or sad? Josh made the time to come to my office to talk about the Welfare Reform issue. Unfortunately, he actually threatened me and is not willing to talk about our problem at all. I think I may have been a little too unsympathetic the other night when I cut the phone cord. I thought he’d take it as the humorous gesture it was, but he took it poorly instead. I want to work this problem out. I’m starting to see that this relationship is important. I’m just not sure where it fits into my political life.