“Hey Sam.”
I look up as
Josh saunters into my office and plops into one of the visitor chairs.
“Hey.”
“What’re you
doin’?”
He seems
distracted. For the scant minute he has been here, he has glanced at the door
no less then three times. “Waiting for Toby to finish deciding if we’ll use
Andy’s inserts.”
“Huh?” He is
definitely distracted.
“Josh? Did you
come in here for some purpose? Because you seem very interested in my doorway.”
“Sorry.” He
finally focuses on me. “Was that Donna in here a few minutes ago?” He appears
indifferent, but the continued glances at the door show something else.
“Yeah. She was telling
me about the job offer from Casey Reid.”
This bit of
information gets his full attention. He seems surprised. “You know him?”
“Well, I don’t
know him personally. I know OF him. He does internet sites on government
affairs. Very classy, not tell-all exposes. More of the Everyman’s Guide to
Politics.”
“Hmm.” Again, he
is glancing toward the doorway. I wonder how much Donna has told him. I wonder
what he thinks about it.
“We got news
tonight that Billy was killed in the raid.”
The quick change
in subject does not faze me. I have learned to adapt to a strange tempo in the
White House. “I heard.”
“His wife was
devastated. Collapsed in CJ’s office. Donna was there when we got the news. She looked a little shell-shocked.” I think this is
probably an understatement. Memories of another night of waiting come to me.
Donna’s earlier mood was not simply a reaction to Josh’s disinterest about the
job offer. She was back in that waiting room.
“I tried to
imagine what it must be like for his wife. Not
knowing. And then finding out that he’ll never be coming home again. It
must be horrible to be the one left behind.” I finally understand where Josh is
going with this. Josh, who almost died. Josh, who briefly met with Stanley this
evening. Josh, who has desperately tried to piece his life back together.
“Donna. When I was … when IT happened … Rosslyn. Was she … ?”
He is unable to
finish. The scars are on more than just his chest. They are on his psyche, and
unable to cope with his own emotions, he now strives to understand Donna’s. I
do not know if I can help him.
“She took it
hard. We all did, but I think she took it hardest. She came to the hospital to
help you and then found out you had been hurt. I don’t think she really
understood what was happening.” I try to relate to Josh how difficult it was
for Donna in those fourteen hours we waited for word on his condition. I hope
he can understand. “Haven’t you and Donna ever talked about this?”
“No. We’ve
tried, but … No.”
This is their
problem. Not their jobs. Not the secret they share. Not Amy. Four years and their lives are hopelessly entwined.
They banter. They share. They are two halves. Yet they cannot express in words
what they are to one another. Their fears keep them apart.
“Josh, I really
think you need to talk to Donna.”
I can see on his
face that he is uncomfortable. He does not want to discuss this. Yet his fear
of losing Donna is greater. “I think she’s going to take this other job. If she
took it, she’d have normal hours and she wouldn’t have to deal with things like
this. No governmental hot spots. No assassination attempts on the president and
his staff. No death.”
“On the other
hand, she wouldn’t be making the big bucks she does as your assistant.” The
attempt at humor seems to work and the mood is lightened. “You know, we were talking about some other
things while she was in here. She mentioned Amy.” I wait to see if he will
react.
“Did she start
in again with the ‘lovemaking’? Because, really, I don’t think its any of her
business. And you wouldn’t believe the stuff I had to put up with from Leo and Margaret because of that.”
“Seems to me
that Leo didn’t mind so much. Didn’t he tell you to go away and forget about
work? And look how well you took that advice.” It is ironic that Josh has already
begun to manufacture reasons to keep a distance from Amy. It makes me wonder
what their true relationship is. “Does Amy make you happy?”
“Yeah.” His
answer is quick, sure. But his eyes give a different answer.
“Because I
always thought that the woman you’re in love with should make you happy. It
shouldn’t be a fight about who is right and who is wrong. It should be give and
take. Lisa and I? Turns out we really didn’t like each other much. Each of us
always had to be right. Life with one another was a competition. It was one of
our biggest problems. You and Amy, you’re not like that though, right?”
“No.” This time his answer is slower, less
sure. He is beginning to realize that his relationship with her may not be as
real as he wants it to be. His real relationships are here, in this White
House, with these people. With me and CJ and Toby. And with Donna.
“Just think
about what I’ve said tonight. OK? And talk to Donna. It will help.”
“Yeah. Thanks,
Sam. Goodnight.” He walks out of my office slowly, without the usual Lyman
swagger, his mind on more than UN speeches and missing reporters.
“Goodnight.” I
switch off the lights and close my office door with a soft click. It has been
an odd night of revelations. But it is late and it is time to go home.
Read the previous story, Because You're You, or the next story, Give and Take.
Return to Stories