It had been an awful day for Donna. To start with, the electricity in her apartment had gone off sometime during the night and she had woken up late. After a quick shower, she skipped breakfast and ran down to her parking spot, only to find that her temperamental car refused to start. When she’d finally gotten to the White House an hour late - hair half-dry, clothes wrinkled - Josh was fuming about a recent move by the House Majority to block welfare funding for single parent households and immediately started issuing orders for what needed to be done. She’d had to skip lunch, in favor of running an errand over at the OEOB, and dinner was a few bites of stale sandwich as she worked at her desk. She’d gotten a run in her new pair of stockings and found that the replacement ones she usually left in her desk were also run through.
But the icing on the cake? It was her birthday. Her *thirtieth* birthday. Donna hadn’t worried much about the approaching date, not like her other friends had. To her, thirty meant nothing but another age. And to be honest, she was quite happy to celebrate thirty if it meant she could ignore all the dreadful events and mistakes that had occurred in her twenties.
But the worst part of the day was that Josh had forgotten that it was her birthday. Normally, it wouldn’t concern her much; Josh had a habit of forgetting important dates. That’s why he had her. And Sam and CJ had each remembered, stopping by her desk during the hectic day to give her their hasty birthday wishes.
But this was her thirtieth birthday,
and somehow she had expected that Josh would remember that. She hadn’t expected
a big fanfare or extraordinary gift, but a simple acknowledgement would have
been nice.
Chalk it up to one more disappointment for the day, she thought, as she ran a steamy bath. She dumped in some scented bubble bath then went to the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of Merlot that she had opened earlier. Returning to the bathroom, she quickly undressed and submerged her body in the frothy water. It felt like heaven. She poured a glass of wine and took a sip. Not champagne and roses, she mused, but not a bad way to end her birthday either. She took another sip of wine and carefully placed the glass on the tiled floor.
She scooped up a handful of bubbles and watched them float
into the air as she blew on them. A few landed on the rounded curves of her
breasts. She smoothed a hand across them and thought about how long it had been
since she’d been with someone. Too long, and the man she wanted most was off
limits to her. She thought about his expressive eyes, his chiseled dimples, his
restless hands, and imagined how they would feel against her skin. She reached
between her thighs and started to stroke herself as images of him came to her
mind. She had almost reached climax when a loud pounding
on the apartment door roused her from her stupor. She lifted her head from
where it was resting on the rim of the tub and glared in the general direction
of the door. “Go away,” she grumbled.
Soon the pounding was accompanied by Josh’s muffled voice calling out to her. Groaning in frustration, she got out of the tub and reached for her robe.
“Joshua,” she called threateningly as she wrapped the robe
around her body and padded to the door, “I swear to God, if you have
interrupted my bubble bath for anything short of a national emergency –“
Her words were cut short as she yanked open the door and saw him standing there with a chocolate cupcake in his hands. A glowing pink candle stuck out of the center.
“Happy birthday, Donnatella,” he grinned. “Make a wish.”
**********
Josh handed her the cupcake and sauntered into the apartment. It was only then that he noticed how she was dressed. “That’s not a very festive look you’ve got going there, Donna,” he smirked.
She accepted the cake and took it into the kitchen, leaving him in the entryway. After setting the treat on the counter, she looked down at her terry-clad figure and frowned. She’d had the robe for so long that it was starting to fray at the hem and on the belt. In addition to the straggly robe, her hair was loosely knotted on top of her head and she knew it was getting frizzy from the steam generated by the bath.
It irked her that she cared about how disheveled she looked. This was Josh, her boss, and it shouldn’t matter how she appeared. Never mind that, as her boss, he shouldn’t be stopping by her apartment so late at night. She chose not to think about the recent erotic fantasies she had been indulging in. His presence alone was making her feel flustered; there was no need to compound the problem by having lingering thoughts about his skills as a lover.
Mentally shrugging the matter away, she walked into the living room to find him lounging on her sofa. Her tone was less than friendly when she told him, “You’re interrupting my celebratory bath.”
“A bubble bath?” Josh queried, slightly amused.
“Yes, Joshua, a bubble bath. It’s one of the few pleasures I can manage to make time for. It’s also fairly inexpensive. And, since it is my birthday, I’m indulging.”
“A bubble bath?” he repeated. Images of a naked Donna covered in bubbles assaulted his mind. His voice got peculiarly high and he gave her a funny look. “That’s how you were celebrating your thirtieth birthday? With a bubble bath? Alone?”
“Not exactly alone,” she told him slyly. She watched in amusement as his face turned a mottled red and he stammered his apologies. “Relax, Josh. I only meant that I’m enjoying the bath with an excellent glass of wine. There are no naked men lurking in my bathroom,” she assured him. Only the ones in my head, she mentally added. She couldn’t help thinking about the fantasy she’d been having earlier. She had a feeling she wouldn’t feel so awkward about it if she weren’t naked beneath her robe. And if he didn’t look quite so good, standing in her living room.
“Thank God,” she heard him mutter under his breath. He sat back down on her sofa and leaned into the cushions; he looked like he was settling in to stay a while.
“Uh, Josh? I was sort of hoping to get back to my bath,” she reminded him. “So, as nice as it was of you to bring the cake, if you wouldn’t mind -?” She gestured to the door.
“Uh, yeah.” He got up and gathered his jacket, but made no move to leave immediately. He looked at her for a long moment and then told her, “You know, Donna, your bath doesn’t have to be solitary.”
Her eyes widened and she stared at him. “Josh?”
“You could share it,” he offered, “with me.”
His suggestion startled her. They’d always had a flirtatious relationship, but this was a blatant invitation. She could only think of one reason why he would make the offer now. “Listen, I know that my love life hasn’t been the greatest this year, but I don’t need a pity fuck. I’m perfectly fine with turning thirty. And if it has to be alone, so be it. I don’t want your sympathy, Josh. Maybe it would be best if you left now.” She held open the door and glared at him.
He reached past her and shut the door. “It’s not a pity fuck,” he corrected as he moved closer and pressed her back up against the door. His breath whispered across her cheek as he spoke. “It’s not a pity fuck,” he repeated more softly. His lips brushed against hers and she inhaled sharply at the intensity of feelings the simple kiss aroused.
“Josh, don’t do this to me,” she pleaded. “Don’t let me hope and than tell me it was a mistake. Don’t lead me to think that this is more than it is.” Her lower lip quivered and he sucked it into his mouth, causing her to moan in frustration.
“It’s not a mistake,” he whispered, his eyes locking with hers. His hands silently reached for the belt of her robe and untied it. “I know what I’m doing, and it has nothing to do with pity. It has to do with me wanting you. I’ve wanted you for so long, Donna,” he growled as his lips claimed hers once more. She let herself lean against his hard body, as she gave in to the kiss and expressed everything she couldn’t say to him with words with her lips.
**********
It wasn’t a pity fuck. How could she possibly think that it was? Didn’t she realize how long he had wanted her? Part of him rationalized that there was no way she could not know how he felt. The other part of him realized that his feelings had been buried for so long, she couldn’t possibly have guessed about them.
He tried show her with his kiss just how much he wanted her, cared about her. His lips ravished hers, tasting and teasing, before his tongue stole into her mouth. He slid it along the length of hers, the two curling around one another, before he pulled back slightly to breathe.
He looked at her, all pink and mussed in her untied terry robe, and came to a sudden decision. He was tired of dancing around the issues with Donna; it was now or never. Silently, he slid her robe from her shoulders. She was beautiful. He had imagined her this way so many times, but the reality far surpassed anything his mind could have conjured. He gazed at the smooth alabaster skin of her shoulders, her pink, puckered nipples, her flat stomach, the softly curling hair between her thighs. She was flawless.
He reached out a hand to stroke her breast, but she moved sideways, away from his touch. He feared that he had gone too far, that she would cover herself with the discarded robe and throw him out.
He watched in fascination as she extended her hand and led him to her bedroom instead.
They tumbled onto the bed
together, a tangle of arms and legs and lips and tongues. With her help, he
quickly undressed, until he was as naked as she. He wanted to take it slow, but
found that now that he had her in his arms he couldn’t wait. She seemed as
eager as he and opened herself to him, urging him closer.
He was about to enter her
when the part of his brain that retained higher function made him pause long
enough to ask, “Wait. Do we need any pro–“
His words stopped as Donna
arched her hips and he became sheathed in her tight wetness. All rational
thought disappeared. One of her slim legs came to rest against his chest and
the other wrapped itself around his hip and thigh. She pressed against him and
they began to move together in an intense rocking rhythm that seemed to last
forever.
She shifted her legs and
suddenly they were no longer moving at a slow, leisurely pace. He ground
against her, each thrust deeper and more powerful than the last. Over and over,
he plunged into her sweet wetness, until he felt her begin to tremble, heard
her quickened breath, felt her mouth press against his shoulder as she tried to
stifle a scream of pleasure. Still, he continued to thrust, until the tightness
of her spasms caused him to lose control. He gave his own shout of completion
and then collapsed against her, too spent to move.
Eventually, he rolled to his
side, and a sleepy Donna followed his movements to snuggle against him. He held
her close, but his mind churned with unanswered questions.
What had he been thinking, to
sleep with Donna? *His* Donna, to be sure, but still… He was the White House
Deputy Chief of Staff; she was his assistant. To pursue a relationship would be
ludicrous – wouldn’t it? Sex with Donna had been incredible, better than
anything he could have imagined, but it shouldn’t have happened tonight. He
wanted a real relationship with her, something that wasn’t based solely on work
or friendship. He wanted more than that and he believed it was possible. But
there were things that needed to be dealt with before they could take that
step. And sex only complicated the matter.
He needed to think, plan a
strategy, and he realized that wasn’t going to happen with Donna’s lush naked
body pressed against his. She was too much of a temptation to him. If he
stayed, he would make love to her again and that would cause even more problems.
In his confused, sleep-deprived state, he decided it was best if he left,
before he compounded the problems sleeping with Donna had already created.
He waited until her breathing
evened out in sleep, then slowly slid from beneath her arm. He gingerly got out
of bed and stealthily picked up his discarded clothing. Creeping into the
living room, he got dressed and let himself out of her apartment, making sure
to remain as quiet as possible.
Tomorrow, they would talk.
But for now, he needed to create some physical distance and think.
He never heard her get up
from the bed. Never saw her watch him leave from the bedroom door. And he never
saw the tears tracking down her cheeks.
**********
She woke up to find the clock flashing 3:12, and groaned. Another power outage. She rummaged around on the nightstand for her watch; squinting at it in the dim light from the outside street lamp revealed that it was just past 5:30.
She threw back the blankets and, pausing only long enough to pull a t-shirt over her naked body, shuffled into the bathroom.
She stared with disgust at the cold water left standing in the tub, the abandoned wine glass on the floor. Leaning over, she reached through the slightly scummy water and pulled the drain plug, the water receding with a sucking whoosh. Grabbing a scouring pad and some Ajax from under the sink, she preceded to scrub the stubborn soap scum from the tub. When she was finished, not a trace of the stagnant bath remained. She looked at the gleaming white porcelain and wished that all her problems could be fixed as easily.
She had slept with Josh and it had been amazing. Her body still hummed with the pleasure he had brought her. But she couldn’t forget the way he had sneaked out of her apartment when he thought she was asleep; couldn’t forget that for him, it had been a pity fuck after all.
She stepped into the shower and washed quickly, trying not to remember all the ways Josh had touched her last night. She failed miserably. Each touch of the washcloth reminded her of how his hands had felt as they touched her skin. Each water droplet reminded her of the feel of his mouth and tongue. She turned the water off and emerged from the shower, briskly drying her body with a fluffy towel.
By the time she had finished dressing and fixing her hair, she felt almost normal. The only physical reminders of the previous night were the dull ache between her thighs and the tie that Josh had carelessly left lying in the hall. Both would be gone by the end of the day. She had a feeling the mental images would take a lot longer to banish.
At 6:30, she picked up the phone and dialed his number. Her stomach did a little flip-flop when she heard his voice answer. She quickly suppressed the feeling and reminded herself that this was business, nothing personal.
“Josh, wake up. It’s 6:30 and you need to be at the Willard for a 7:30 breakfast meeting with Paxton,” she reminded him briskly, hoping that he couldn’t hear the slight catch in her voice.
“Donna?” He sounded confused, wary, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it.
“Yes. Now get up. I’m leaving for the office and I won’t be calling again to make sure you leave in time for the meeting.” She hung up and willed her rapidly beating heart to slow down. She could do this, she reminded herself. She had known the possible consequences when she had pulled him into her bedroom last night. All she had to do was remain calm and businesslike and everything would eventually return to normal. They would resume their banter and their friendship would continue; this one night would be forgotten.
She wandered into the kitchen, depositing the dirty wine glass next to the chocolate cupcake Josh had brought her. The icing had crusted over and the candle leaned precariously to the side. She picked it up and tossed it in the trash with suppressed violence. Damn Josh! If he hadn’t finally remembered her birthday, if he hadn’t thought to bring her the cupcake, if he hadn’t kissed her… She shook her head to clear the thoughts. It wasn’t entirely his fault. Anyhow, it was too late to change things now. All she could do was move forward and hope to forget.
**********
He had a plan. Sort of.
So far, Josh’s plan consisted
of talking to Leo. If things went well, he would approach Donna, apologize for
leaving her the previous night and tell her that he was interested in beginning
a real relationship. Then, together, they could figure out how to mesh their
personal and professional lives. If things didn’t go as he planned with Leo –
well, he intended to pursue Donna regardless.
He sat at breakfast with
Paxton, listening to him drone on about the need for cleaner air, and his mind
wandered to the previous night. Visions
of Donna ran through his mind - in her old bathrobe, damp and flushed from her
bath; beneath him, moaning in pleasure; sleeping peacefully, as he got up and
left.
That had been a mistake. He
realized it as soon as he had shut the apartment door. But it had been
too late to go back; the decision had been made
for him when the safety lock had automatically snapped shut. So he had gone home, intending to arrive at her
apartment first thing in the morning and explain.
He’d completely forgotten
that he had a breakfast meeting until the phone rang and he heard her voice.
She’d been brisk and business-like, barely giving him a chance to say anything.
He wondered about her lack of emotion and worried that she had misinterpreted
his actions of the previous night. Hesitant to broach the subject on the phone,
he shelved any questions he had or apologies he wanted to make and mentally
noted the need to talk to her later.
“Josh, these stats just prove
that pollution is a very real problem,” Paxton continued on, interrupting his
thoughts. “We need to know what the White House plans to do.”
Josh snapped his attention back to the meeting. “Senator, we’re doing
everything we can to help with the ozone and air pollution. Now let’s discuss
how you can help us with the vote coming up on welfare funding for single
parents.”
**********
Josh left the Willard in a
euphoric mood. The meeting with Paxton had gone well. He’d agreed to the White
House’s terms on the welfare bill in exchange for a promise on stronger
restrictions on emissions for sport utility vehicles. Josh was confident that
they would have the bill approved with very little fuss.
He hefted his backpack and
put his sunglasses on, then walked the short distance to the White House in the
cool October morning. He bypassed his own office and headed directly to Leo’s.
Margaret was not at her desk, so Josh walked right in.
“How’d the meeting with
Paxton go?” Leo inquired.
“Good. He’s on board for
Welfare.”
When he didn’t immediately
elaborate or leave, Leo peered up from the paperwork on his desk and asked,
“Did you need something else?”
“Yes. No. Maybe. I’m not
sure.” The bravado Josh had felt upon entering Leo’s office disappeared. He
shifted nervously from foot to foot, his hands massaging the dull ache that had
developed at the base of his spine.
Leo gave him his full
attention. “You’re not sure? Spill it, Josh. What did you do this time?”
“I, uh, may have slept with
someone I shouldn’t have.”
”A call girl?”
“No.”
“Donna?” he asked, with a
hint of amusement.
Josh stared at the floor. When
he looked back up, there was a frown forming on Leo’s face. “*Was* it Donna,
Josh? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, this is not the best idea in the world.”
Josh remained silent and his
jaw worked as he tried to figure out what to say. A few minutes elapsed and
then Josh started to utter an excuse. “I shouldn’t have… You don’t need to-”
“Josh?” Leo interrupted him.
“We’re allowed to have private lives, as long as they don’t effect the
administration.” Josh started to say something, but Leo halted him. “I’m not
saying this is the best time for this to happen. And it’s not going to be easy.
But if you really want to pursue a relationship with her, and she agrees, there
will be no repercussions from this office or the Oval.”
“Thanks, Leo.”
“Don’t thank me yet. She has
to agree. And the two of you need to be circumspect – No romance in this
building. No joined hotel rooms when we travel. And when you’re out in public,
remember that you represent the White House.”
“Got it,” Josh agreed. He left Leo’s office feeling more
optimistic about the situation with Donna than he had since last night. The
ache in his back started to recede and a smile began to form on his lips. He
would talk to her and explain why he left, tell her how he felt about her.
Hopefully, based on her actions of last night, she wanted the same things as he
did and would be receptive to the idea of dating him.
His hopes were dashed by her conspicuous absence from the office.
**********
Donna arrived at the White
House a little after seven o’clock, planning to avoid Josh for the rest of the
day. He wouldn’t be in for a while yet, and she hoped that she could compile
all the things he would need for the day before he did. Files on welfare reform
were in blue, air pollution in green, crime legislation in yellow. She stacked
them neatly on the corner of his desk, then looked over the day’s schedule and
placed a copy of it next to them.
Luckily, after his breakfast
meeting with Paxton, Josh had several other meetings lined up that would keep
him busy for most of the day. She thought that she could strategically be in
another part of the building whenever he was required to be in his office. She
would brief Bea and Claudia on what needed to be done in the operations
bullpen, then go find Margaret. Just last week, the redheaded assistant had
requested help in organizing the file room. Now would be a perfect time to
tackle that task. If she could just avoid Josh for a few days, she knew she
would be able to begin putting last night’s mistake behind her. At the very
least, she would be able to start mending her broken heart and, hopefully, she
and Josh would eventually be able to resume their usual working routine.
The last thing she did was
pull Josh’s errant tie from her pocket and stash it in one of his desk drawers.
When he found it, he would assume it was one of the few he kept in his office
for emergencies. He would never remember that he had left it in her apartment.
She took one last look around
the office to make sure everything was in order, then slid out the door,
quietly shutting it behind her.
**********
Josh practically bounced into
the bullpen, giddy with the knowledge that Leo had granted permission for a
personal relationship with his assistant. He still hadn’t spoken with Donna,
was unsure what her reaction would be, but that was about to be rectified
immediately. He swept by her desk and ordered, “Donna, I need to see you in my
office. Now,” before he realized the woman at the desk wasn’t Donna.
He stopped just inside his office
and turned around after a moment, regarding the woman outside his office oddly.
Taking two hesitant steps towards her, he calmly inquired, “Beatrice, where’s
Donna?”
“She said something about
Margaret and files, then left. She asked me to tell you that your schedule is
on the desk.”
Josh swiveled around once
more and walked into his office. Sure enough, his schedule and all the files he
would need for the day were neatly stacked on the desk. There was also a terse
note from Donna telling him she was helping Margaret with files and that she
would be out of the office for most of the day. There was no personal note, no
witty observance or mention at all of last night.
Josh’s good mood deflated.
Obviously, it wasn’t going to be as easy as he had anticipated to talk to
Donna. Was she angry with him for leaving? The short memo left no clues about
her feelings. Doubt began to form in Josh’s mind. He needed to talk her, but
how could he do that if she wasn’t there?
The same thing happened for
the rest of the week. Donna would organize his workload every morning before he
came in, leave a note and then disappear for most of the day. She was helping
Margaret, running errands for CJ, eating lunch with Ainsley. She never
neglected her duties, but she made sure never to be in the bullpen for extended
periods of time. The few times they managed to cross paths, she would coldly
inform him where she was going and then leave. Josh was baffled by her
behavior.
He also began to miss her. It
was more than just her presence in his office that he missed; it was her smile,
her laughter, her friendship. He didn’t just want her as his lover, someone to
satisfy his physical desire; he wanted all of her.
The problem was trying to explain that to her. He began to wonder if she was simply angry with him for leaving on the night of her birthday or if it was something more. If it had been simple anger, he felt certain she would have confronted him sooner, raging about what an inconsiderate oaf he was. Her silence indicated that it was more. Did she regret sleeping with him? Had it been an impulse, something to satisfy her curiosity, but not to be repeated?
At the end of the week, after
days of not being able to talk to her, he opened his bottom desk drawer in
search of aspirin and found his blue and gray striped tie. He looked at it in
confusion, then remembered that it was the one he had worn on Friday, the one
he had somehow misplaced. Certain that he must have left it at Donna’s
apartment, he realized with sudden clarity that she must have hidden it here.
Why would she stash it in his drawer? Why not give it to him and explain that
it had been left by mistake? There was only one answer he could fathom.
With a heavy heart, he
realized that he hadn’t been misjudging her behavior, that she really was
trying to avoid him. By hiding the tie, she was confirming his suspicion that
she didn’t want to talk about that night. And the only reason she would do that
was because she regretted sleeping with him.
The thought saddened him. He
couldn’t imagine any circumstance in which he would regret wanting to make
Donna a bigger part of his life, but apparently, that’s exactly what she was
regretting. He decided that he would accept her on any terms she wanted, as
lover or as friend, as long as he could have her back in his life.
With the intent of finally
getting her to talk to him, he arrived at his office early one morning, just as
she was making the final adjustments to his schedule. He stood in the doorway,
watching her quietly. Unaware of his observations, she made an adjustment to
one scheduled appointment and added a new one. He noticed that her shoulders
were hunched, she was paler than usual, and there were dark smudges under her
eyes. She looked incredibly sad. For the first time, it occurred to him that
the past week had been as difficult for her as it had been for him.
“We can’t avoid each other
forever,” he said quietly.
She looked up, startled, and
Josh instantly regretted speaking aloud. Her expression, previously soft and
unguarded, immediately hardened and she attempted to leave the office. Josh
blocked her way by standing in the entry. He could feel the heat radiating off
her body, hear the slight hiss of breath as she inhaled in shock at his bold
move. She was mere inches away from him, but it felt more like miles. He
reached out to touch her shoulder, but she stepped back, evading his touch.
“I’m not avoiding you,” she
lied. Her voice was strong, but her expression looked defeated and tired, and
she wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Your schedule is on the desk. I switched the time
of Carey’s meeting to two, and Melville is joining your meeting at four. You have staff in two minutes,” she added as
she made another attempt to move past him.
This time, he grabbed her arm
before she could retreat or escape. He steered her into the visitor chair, once
more blocking her path to the door with his body. She looked into his
determined face and slumped against the chair in weary resignation. The phone
began to ring, but both of them ignored it, each staring at the other, afraid
of what might be said.
Josh ran a hand through his unruly hair, deciding how
to start. He thought it best to just plunge right in, by bluntly stating what
he believed she was feeling, “We should never have slept together,” he stated.
“It was a mistake. I need you in my life, Donna, as my friend and as my
co-worker. This week without you has been hell. And if sleeping with you has
caused that, I regret it. I need to fix this thing between us.”
**********
He regretted having her as a
lover.
The words cut through her,
destroying any small hope she might have harbored. She had thought as time went
by that she would be able to forget the night of her birthday, but she
couldn’t. Every time she saw him, she was reminded of it – how he’d kissed her,
how he’d touched her, how he’d whispered her name. And each day in the office,
she was reminded that it would never happen again.
She gathered together her
shattered pride and looked him squarely in the eyes. “I agree. Becoming lovers
was a huge mistake.”
She thought she saw him
flinch and wondered at his reaction, but she was saved from worrying about it
when Sam poked his head inside the door.
“Josh?”
“Yeah?” He answered Sam, but
his eyes remained focused on Donna.
“Staff began five minutes
ago. No one answered your phone, so Leo sent me to get you.”
”I’m on my way,” he replied as he grabbed the folders she had left on his desk
and walked to the door.
“This isn’t over,” he told
her as he left.
“Oh, Joshua, it can’t be
over,” she sadly told the empty room, “It never even began.”
**********
“What’s going on with you and
Donna?” Sam asked as they left Senior Staff and made their way through the
maze-like corridors of the West Wing.
“What?” Josh looked up and
realized he was with Sam in the mess. He’d been so lost in his own thoughts, he
hadn’t even noticed where they were going.
“You. Donna. You’ve both
looked like hell this whole week, then when I came to get you for staff…” Sam
trailed off as he realized that Josh was barely paying attention to him. He
poured two cups of coffee from the pot, then steered Josh to an empty table in
the corner. “Josh, talk to me.”
Josh took a long drink of the
scalding coffee and looked at Sam. “I screwed up big time, Sam, and I don’t
think she’s ever going to forgive me.”
“Donna? Nah. She’ll forgive
you for whatever idiotic thing you did. Just give her a little time,” he
advised.
“It wasn’t something as simple
as forgetting her birthday or waking her up at three in the morning with a
drunken serenade.”
“But it was her birthday,
right? Because the next morning was when you two started acting strange. Well,
strange for the two of you, at least.”
”Yeah, it was her birthday,” Josh muttered darkly.
“And…?” Sam prompted.
“I forgot it. So I went to
her apartment with a peace offering and things … happened.”
“Things? Tell me you didn’t
–“ Seeing Josh’s glare, Sam stopped mid-sentence. “Tell me you at least talked?”
When Josh remained stubbornly
silent, Sam stood up and left him with one last thought. “You need to talk to
her Josh. Don’t let this thing fester. And don’t let her avoid you either. I’ve
seen her this week. She’s nearly as distracted as you.”
**********
It had been a week since they’d had sex. That’s how she thought of it, in the simplest terms possible. Sex – a simple joining of two bodies, sans emotional connections, for physical release only. Any other definitions had her imagining what could have been and that way lay disaster.
She’d spent the week trying to convince herself that if she could spend some time away from Josh, she would get over her infatuation. It hadn’t worked. Her heart still ached whenever she was near him; she still longed to hold him in hers arms and tell him that she loved him. She knew that declarations of love were not what he wanted to hear, but she thought that some things needed to be said, even if they weren’t welcome.
She decided that Josh was right – they needed to talk. The aborted discussion in his office had done little to clear the air between them. Maybe if they talked about this – really talked- she would be able to set aside her feelings and learn how to be his assistant again. At the very least, perhaps he would understand how difficult this was for her, and he would strive to make the situation less awkward by transferring her to another department.
She picked up the phone and dialed his number at home, almost hanging up after the first ring. But she reminded herself that they needed to end this impasse, so she kept the connection and steeled herself for the sound of his voice.
He answered on the third ring.
“Josh? It’s Donna. You were right, we need to talk.”
”When?” he answered sharply. There was no hesitancy or question in his reply;
he knew exactly what they needed to talk about. His tone and rapid answer
conveyed his own need to resolve the issue.
“I – would it be ok if I came by your place in an hour?” she
asked hesitantly.
“I’ll be here.”
She hung up the phone and went into the bathroom to splash some water on her burning cheeks. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror above the sink and stared. He face was gaunt, her cheeks hollowed out more than usual, dark circles under her eyes. She was amazed at the transformation a simple week had caused.
She looked her image again and promised herself that this conversation with Josh would finally decide their fate. This is it, she thought. Tonight, I will tell Joshua how I feel and it may be the ending of all that I’ve known for the past 5 years.
**********
She was coming to his apartment. That alone should have made him happy, but he was convinced she was coming to repeat what she had told him in his office, that becoming lovers had been a mistake. Or worse – she was coming to tell him that she was resigning as his assistant. The thought was unbearable. He could hardly remember a time when Donna had not been in his office or his life; he couldn’t imagine either barren of her presence in the future.
There had to be a way to fix this, he thought. Surely, they could arrive at some sort of compromise. If he promised that there would be no repeats of that night, that no further advances would be made, would she agree to stay? And could he refrain from touching her, from wanting to hold her, from speaking his feelings aloud, now that he admitted to having them?
As he waited restlessly for her to arrive, his mind played
over the past week - what had been said, what had been done - and he suddenly
realized that he had been an idiot. His first words to her had been “we should never have slept together,” quickly followed
by “and if sleeping with you has caused this, I regret it.” Of course she would
have agreed with him. Despite her role in the White House, Donna still had a
certain naïveté about her. It was one of the many things he loved about her,
that she could retain that innocence while surrounded by cutthroat politicians,
whose only goals were to win, at any cost. But it also made her doubt her own
decisions.
He’d seen the spark of pain
in her eyes before she bravely declared that she agreed with him. At the time,
he had dismissed it as his mind seeing what it wanted. But what if it had been
there? Was it possible that she had avoided him because she was afraid that he
didn’t care and not because she didn’t want him?
He knew he had to stop this
endless cycle of denial that they were trapped in. If his watch was right, he
still had a few minutes to come up with a solution. He paced a bit more and
then finally arrived at an answer.
**********
She raised her hand tentatively, still unsure if she was doing the right thing. Then she thought about the emotional roller coaster she’d been on all week and resolutely knocked on Josh’s door.
He answered it dressed only
in a low-slung towel. “You’re interrupting my bubble bath, Donna,” he told her
with a hint of a mischievous smile. “I think you should have to pay a penalty
for that.”
She stared at him, baffled.
This was too planned to be coincidence, too deliberate to be a mistake. “What
-? I don’t understand…” She trailed offf, words deserting her as she took in the
sight of his bare chest, his disarming smile.
“I said that you’re interrupting
my bath,” he repeated. “Would you care to join me?”
She felt tears burn behind
her eyes, and was determined to keep them at bay. She’d spent one night with
him and it had nearly broken her. How could he possibly suggest another? She
had told him that they needed to talk and he had repaid her honesty, her
courage, with this ridiculous charade. She would never have described Josh as
unfeeling, but his deliberately cruel actions made her believe that he was.
The tears she had been
holding back overflowed and she let loose her anger. “No, you can’t do this to
me, not again,” she railed at him, “You don’t really want me.”
“I do,” he told her
earnestly, all hints of a smile gone now.
“No, you don’t want me that
way. I’m just a body to you,” she whispered, as her legs collapsed beneath her
and she started to slide to the floor. He caught her and pulled her against his
chest, murmuring soft, comforting words as she cried against his skin. She
allowed herself a moment to take comfort in the sound of his heartbeat and the
feel of his skin beneath her cheek before she pulled away, and mopped at the
tears with trembling fingers.
“You left,” she accused him.
“I’m an idiot.”
He said it with such
sincerity, that she felt some of the tension dissolve and a watery smile
emerged among her tears. “Can I quote you on that?”
“No.” He smirked at her
briefly before his expression turned serious again.
“You left,” she repeated, a
weary sadness replacing her previous anguish. “You told me it wasn’t pity, that
you wanted me. But then you left. You never even said good-bye.”
“I wasn’t thinking. You’re my
assistant. And my friend,” he explained. “I didn’t know how to change that, to
make it into something more. That night, seeing you in that robe, fresh from
your bath? It tied me in knots and I didn’t stop to think. All I could do was
feel. I never should have left that night, but I needed to figure out how to
handle this situation first, before I could talk to you and explain. I handled
the situation poorly. I’m sorry.”
“And this week?” she
continued. “Why didn’t you talk to me then?”
“I tried, but you were so
cold, so emotionless. I had absolutely no clue how to reach you.” She felt a
pang of guilt, and then reminded herself that he was just as much to blame as
she was. “The one time I did manage to get you alone, I was interrupted by
Sam.”
She gave a small smile and
Josh finally allowed himself to hope that everything would be all right. “He
does have awful timing, doesn’t he?”
“Yes, he does.” Josh returned
her smile. “I want a relationship with you, Donna. Don’t doubt, for even a
second, that I don’t. When I said that I regretted that night, I meant that I
regretted what it had done to our friendship, not that I regretted making love
to you. That night meant more to me than you can imagine.”
She allowed herself to
finally believe that he cared and that this could work, when reality intruded.
“Josh, we can’t – You’ve already said it: I’m your assistant, we work at the
White House. There’s no way –“
Josh interrupted her. “I
talked to Leo - the very next morning, after we were together - about the
possibility of a relationship between us. If we keep it out of the White House,
he sees no reason not to permit us to date one another. We’ll have to be discreet,
but this can work.” When she still didn’t respond, he continued, “We’re allowed
private lives, Donna. I want you in mine.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, a
tiny seed of doubt still present.
“Very sure,” he responded. He
cupped her face between his hands and kissed her, softly at first, then deeper.
She didn’t pull away; instead, she responded by opening her mouth to his,
allowing his tongue to reach out and stroke hers. He growled, deep in his
throat and started to maneuver her towards his bedroom, never breaking the
kiss.
When they reached the edge of
the bed, he pulled away and looked at her questioningly. “Stay with me tonight?
Please?”
She looked up at him, saw the
sincerity in his eyes, remembered his words and the tortured look on his face
as she broke down and cried. “Yes,” she answered simply.
He helped her to undress,
touching each smooth expanse of skin as it was revealed to him. He inhaled
sharply at the sight of her naked body; she was beautiful. He unknotted the
towel at his waist and she saw how much he wanted her. He was hard and full and
she could see his desire for her reflected in his warm brown eyes.
Slowly, they sank to the bed,
lips seeking, hands touching. He traced a hand across her breast, kissed her
stomach, caressed her hip. She tweaked a nipple, furrowed her hand through the
dusting of hair on his belly, stroked his erection. They touched each other
everywhere, their lips and tongues exploring every crevice. They took their
time, discovering all they had missed in their first frantic coupling.
“I have condoms,” he suddenly
announced, breaking an impassioned kiss to reach over her to the bedside table.
He dropped a small box onto the bed beside her. “Last time – we didn’t really
discuss much. Do we need one?”
“We probably should,” she
admitted sheepishly.
”And last time?” he asked. His voice was soft as he thought of the potential
consequences. He envisioned Donna, round with child. A family with Donna. The
thought, which would have terrified him a year ago, made his heart swell with
love.
She bowed her head shyly as
she informed him, “It should be ok. It
was the wrong time, I think.”
“Ok.” He accepted her words
and kissed her again, trying to reassure her with his touch.
She returned his kiss and
then broke away, laughing nervously as she withdrew a shiny packet from the
box. “So… sort of like closing the barn door after the horse has run off.”
“Yeah, I guess it is.”
She looked at him for a long
time, then came to a decision and tossed the packet to the side. “No condoms,”
she announced. “I don’t want anything between us. I just want you.”
He pulled her against him,
kissing her with all the passion and love he felt. This was Donna, his Donna,
and they were together. Nothing could possibly separate them again. He told her
with words and with his body, how much he adored her, how much he wanted her.
She parted her thighs and he
moved between them, his erection brushing against her softness. He was about to
enter her, when he sensed that she needed some control over what was happening
between them, and he rolled to his back, taking her with him. She balanced
above him on her knees, making no move to take him inside, but not moving away
either. He reached up and touched her cheek, brushing her long blond hair away
from her face. “No doubts this time. I want *you.* Only you,” he breathed as he
looked into her eyes.
Slowly, she sank down onto
him, encasing him in her warm, wet body. He let her take control, rising and
falling against him, the friction sending shock waves of pleasure through his
body. This is what making love is like, he thought. Not sex, not just the
joining of two bodies, but making love. He reached up and palmed one of her
breasts, his hand stroking the satiny skin, his thumb rubbing over the swollen
nipple. She bit her lip and tried to stifle the moan of pleasure that erupted
from her throat. He noticed and stroked the fingers of his other hand across
her lips. “Don’t. Don’t hide from me. We’ve hidden from one another long
enough. Tell me what you feel. Tell me what you want.”
”You,” she admitted, “I want you. I want you touching me and filling me.”
He rolled them again until he
was above her once more, and leaned down to kiss her. His lips brushed against
hers, softly, tenderly. “I love you,” he breathed. He made love to her,
sheathing himself deep within her, stroking her, until they were both
breathless from the intensity of their joining. Afterward, they lay together,
gasping for breath, their bodies sticky with sweat and the residue of their
lovemaking.
She leaned against him,
molding her body against his side and softly confessed, “I love you, too,”
before falling into a deep slumber.
The following morning when
she woke, the bed wasn’t empty and there was no cold water in the tub. Instead,
there was a warm body next to hers, his arm wrapped around her, pulling her
snugly against him. “Go back to sleep, Donnatella,” Josh murmured. And knowing
that this time it wasn’t a mistake, she did.
Return to Stories