| 27 sep 2001 it's pretty hard to write these entires while i'm on AIM at the same time... right now, i'm chatting with stefanie (not jay's ex stef), but another stefanie... one of my readers. but anyway, it's time to get a little bit unhealthy. it's time to talk about fate. i'm not a big fan of "fate." i think it's a beautiful thing, but it's more of a fairy tale than anything else... how two people's lives might be destined to intertwine and stuff... i think life is just too dependent on coincidental circumstances to support a notion like fate. *shrug* but the only notion of fate i have EVER had is the prospect of ending up with karen. and the oddest thing of all is... that i don't know how i ever came up with that crazy idea. i mean, it IS crazy, right? and it's hella fucking dangerous, right? it's so easy to shoot down, it's liking walking a shaky tightrope across a canyon or something. how i got myself embroiled in such a silly fantasy... i think it's just because she's never actually flat out rejected me. in fact, she gives these little teasing remarks, so it just keeps me going and my hope floating. so i never get the genuine opportunity to get slapped in the face with reality, and i just keep on chugging away. i think i'm crazy. because i know that fate is kinda stupid. i dunno. people who pull the fate card in a relationship, like the ones who are crazy enough to claim that there is something cosmic... frankly, i think that's a load of crap. a good feeling is simply that... it doesn't mean there are galactic strings pulling for you two. *grumble* some people are so gullible. that said, i'm one of those gullible people. for now. i'll tell you this... if it doesn't work out with karen, that's IT with fate's in my life. i'll be on my own after that. i don't look forward to going to sleep these days. as much as i absolutely ADORE sleep itself, _falling_ asleep is quite an ordeal. it's a constant battle between my fantasies and my persistent clinging to reality. basically, i'm lying there, and i think about karen, and my mind wanders off into some crazy beautiful scenario, and then i slap myself back into reality and tell myself to stop thinking about it, and then i go off thinking again. it takes me well over an hour to fall asleep... and i wind up feeling so tired that i get out of bad at 11am and stagger into work hella late. i am itching for reality. as much beauty comes out of these daydreams about what may happen with me and karen, i think it's time that i stop living in that pink haze and see what reality brings. if it's not good, then at least i can stop this six-year fantasy and start living my life again. if it _is_ good, then i can revel in the fact that whatever happens will be NOTHING like how i imagined it... ok. that's enough of unhealthy talk. hm. yesterday, after my weekly meeting, i worked furiously (even while chatting with dishi on AIM) at my desk for the FIRST time this year... i mean, my brain was SERIOUSLY churning furiously! i was designing this fancy FIFO, and i was working out the packing and unpacking calculations blah blah blah... so anyway, i was all intense for a whole HOUR, and then i took a break and never got it back. but i was really proud of myself. um. yeah. so i have to get some documentation done by the time i leave, so that gives me today, tomorrow, and monday to pull some paperwork out of my ass... i hope i get it done! i have a problem with living in an address that has an apartment number. i think they lost my student loan bill back in august or something, so i get this new bill that was apparently sent out LAST MONTH, saying i was delinquent, and they might force me to pay the ENTIRE balance. shit. so i called them up and told them a payment is being sent out today... shit. so i bet they lost my mail or put it on the wrong apartment mailbox or something... i mean, sometimes i get mail for the neighboring apartments, so it totally possible. and bugs me, because i have so many bills every month to keep track of... one of them is bound to fall through the cracks... so now i'm just all frustrated and stuff. maybe i should just pay off my student loans altogether so i won't have to deal with several more years of this shit. i spied an special issue of FHM magazine in a bookcase in the office... shit... i hope the women don't get offended that this stuff is lying around. basically, it was the magazine's list of the top 100 sexiest women. of course i looked at it. #1 was... jennifer lopez. ack. and what the hell is NEVE CAMPBELL doing in there? sheeeiiit. anyways, there _was_ a full-page blowup of rachael leigh cook there, so i was pleased at that. she's cool. she's quirky. quirky is underrated. there was an overabundance of leggy, brainless blonde models, so i was kind of turned off by that. but *shrug* i bet if i came up with my own list, it would be vastly different... that's all i can say. i am ashamed to say that i watched the entire hour of _love cruise_ last night. i hide my head in shame. i noticed that the show was done by the creators of _real world_... maybe that's why i thought it might get better, *shrug*. but anyways, i don't know why i watched it... i was waiting for _southpark_ at 10, and there was nothing on, so... i just settled for this show. i have to admit, though... i wanted to see some sex or something. but alas... major network, prime time... no sex was shown, as expected. by the way, NONE of the women on that show are attractive. what a waste. _friends_ season premiere is tonight! jay probably thinks i'm a couch potato. well, i am! it's a good thing i don't have tivo, although i already watch like 4-5 hours of tv a day, so i probably can't do much more than that on a weekday. quick word: indian food last night. i ate an obscene amount. so you can guess what happened afterwards. yup. but i designated today as a no-bulimia day, so i'm hoping to stick to it. i wonder what will happen in new york... there's no place to puke except for the public streets. so i better watch out and be careful not to eat too much. karen's gonna try to get me to quit smoking. the only thing i can say is... that of all the people in the world, i'd probably quit for only her. i'm a dumbass, huh? what, my own health isn't important enough to me? sheesh. stupid stupid me. |