| 26 sep 2001 "-how did i get to be such a mess so early in my life? -you've always been ahead of your time" you think it's a good or bad thing to stay friend with your ex's? would you get bothered if your significant other stayed in contact with past flames? why would that bother you? i can see how you might get a little freaked that something might happen between them (after all, if they had something back then, they still might have something now, right?), but i really think it's just a big issue of insecurity. it's a trust issue. and i'm not saying that everyone is to be trusted blindly... i dunno. while i have yet to be friends with any of my ex's (not just friendly acquaintances, but _good_ friends), i would like to. because of my past record, people come to think that i come to hate my ex's or something, but that's not true... it's just that the breakups are usually so twisted and messed up that friendship just isn't possible. oh well. just to set the record straight. in a way, it just doesn't make sense to drop the ex off the face of the planet. because if you two were really good together, then you have something that is special... whether it's chemistry or a good friendship and understanding... and that stuff is really hard to come by, and it's a pity to lose it even though the relationship has ended. you know what i mean? well. just something i was thinking about last night. (no, it had nothing to do with kristie.) indian food is back on a wednesday. and i fixed the menu last week, so we're getting the good chicken... and that means chicken makhani! yippee! my coworker (and he happens to be a fellow high school alumni, same year, too!) kfir came by to verify that the menu was back to the regular rotation. he's probably the #2 fan of indian food, next to me. so i checked out the menu today before lunch, and seeing that it was indian, i had a light lunch. although i _did_ have TWO kimchee ramen bowls... but i didn't throw up, so that's a good sign. eric says i should designate certain days as "non-puke" to get over my bulimia. well, i did that last night, and luckily, there was no barfing involved. there was one time when i felt a little queasy, you know, a "prelude to the yack" feeling, but i kept it in and just went to sleep to escape the nausea. so that's the first day in a long time that i've been purge-free. i wonder about my bulimia sometimes. like why i do it. a lot of times, when i have a cigarette, i just get this nasty feeling rumbling in my stomach that makes me want to wretch. so the answer to that problem is to not smoke, i guess. but other times, it's just this random wave of nausea that comes. i wonder if it has anything to do with my tourette's. like puking is a form of a monster tic of some sort. i definitely feel calmer and more relaxed after hurling, so that's a clue that it might be some sort of stress relief. *ponder* it's time to start tracking season premieres now. i happened to catch the premiere of _frasier_ last night. i don't know why so many people watch that show. the humor is kind of lame, yet it's like one of the most popular juggernauts on nbc's lineup. i was switching between that and _love cruise_ on fox. i have to admit that even though _love cruise_ is like total trash, i couldn't help but watch it. maybe it's because i want to see some action. or maybe man/woman interactions just intrigue me so much. i dunno. hm. oh! i also caught this new series on fox called _undeclared_. it looks kind of generic, but it's about freshman year at some random fictional college. i generally like college shows, but 1st year drama/comedies really get to me because they make me really nostalgic. the main character in _undeclared_ is this tall, lanky, goofy guy, kinda like me! although, in his first night of school, he had sex with a girl, so that's totally NOT what my first night of college was like, heh. i dunno. there's something magical about sticking a bunch of post-high school innocent excited kids together in a dorm and seeing what happens. my freshman roommate made this little speech early on about college being a chance for you to totally reinvent yourself (like rita's "clean slate" scribble). i remember sitting there on the ground next to him, wondering how i could possibly just pull at 180 and change the way i was... from this silly clueless geek to some sort of debonair suave player or something. i decided that i just didn't have the know-how to pull it off, so i just stayed myself. i think i turned out pretty well. i think people who try to reinvent themselves must have a lot of self-hatred. just a thought. i haven't thought much about new york these days. just mainly small useless worries about my flights being delayed or cancelled. i just want to make it there already, you know? the fact that some of my friends have survived the streets of new york have put that whole mugging thing at ease, kinda. one week! one week! i guess you can tell that i'm consciously trying not to hype new york up any more than i need to. in fact, the hype level has gone down in light of the fact that i haven't talked to karen for a while now, and the fact that i have a shitload of work to do at the office... it may turn out that this vacation will truly be needed as a stress relieving tool! i was thinking about honeymoon phases. you know, when you first get together with someone, and everything's just all blissful and full of rambunctious making out and stuff. what causes the problems afterwards? i dunno. as two people being to try to mesh their varied personalities against each other, i think the biggest problem is expectations. where one person expects the other person to behave a certain way, and the other person doesn't. dude. expectations are fucking evil. hella evil, i say! i don't have much to say about the honeymoon phase, except that it's both good and bad when it ends. bad because it's so fun to just mack all night long and be happy and in love and stuff, but good because there comes a time when you need to actually work at a relationship and making it progress and stuff. some people are really good once they're together. it's like you look at them, and you just say, "dude. they FIT." others need work. edges need to be rounded and dulled. it all goes back to this silly saying that i came up with during my freshman year: "relationships are like modular furniture." the weirdest thing is that i did a search for myself on google years ago, and some random person had quoted me with this saying. yet, even though i knew who this person was (he went to my rival high school), i had never talked to him before. so holy hell... how did he find out? *shrug* ok. i gotta stop it right here. i touched on some cool subjects, but i just couldn't get any coherent value out of them. part of it's because i'm preoccupied with finishing this entry and sequestering myself in some random person's abandoned cubicle so i can get some work done, and part of it's because i was chatting with some people in AIM. *sigh* no lucy's tonight. i even wore a buttondown for the occasion. :) |