| 24 sep 2001 "and where are you now, now that i need you... tears on my pillow wherever you go... cry me a river that leads to your ocean..." i can't say that i like destiny's child at all, but i have to admit that their cover of the bee gee's "emotion" is pretty captivating for some reason. last friday night, i stopped by at home for a few minutes to change and get ready for taiko practice.� jay told me that the 5th year reunion class book was in... this big old phone-book-sized thing that lay on the coffee table.� basically, everybody from our class contributes a page.� so of course, you can guess whose page i flipped to first... ...kristie's handwriting hasn't changed.� i guess she was already engaged at the time she wrote her page, too.� but there was something kind of missing from the kristie of old... i guess it may be her lack of passion that came across on her rather bland and emotionless entry.� gone are the silly references, gone is the flower that she always drew to represent herself... gone are the warm traces of friendliness and artistry that she usually leaves behind. so she seems distant now.� different.� someone i don't really recognize.� i mean, her face is still the face that she had over five years ago, but something seems to be missing. and for some reason, i was really happy after i saw her page.� it's like i realized that there's no point in missing kristie because the girl that i loved is no longer there or something.� so i was all bouncy and shit driving to stanford for taiko practice. anyways.. taiko practice.� it was kind of interesting.� because without us alums (mainly carol's leadership), i think the group seems kind of lost.� AND, i noticed a weird kind of racial separation... all the alums (barden, carol, and i) were asian, and the remaining current members that were present were all caucasian!� stanford taiko certainly has changed in its racial demographics. but anyways, i'm slated to play tomorrow afternoon at 4 in memorial church, but... damn.� i have a shitload of work, so i'm going to try to back out of it.� i just don't feel up to it for some reason.� i know, i've said before that i love performing and taiko and all that, but i dunno... i just don't have that fiery passion like i did before, as recently as last year, even.� i don't know what it is.� we'll see how it goes.� i have to stop by practice tonight, and i'll see if i can train another member to take my spot for tomorrow's perf. does anyone chew gum anymore?� i remember in high school or something, chewing gum was a big, big thing.� teachers all enforced the rule where if they caught you, you had to spit our your gum right away.� nowadays, i don't see anyone with gum.� does anyone know how the gum industry is doing? anyways, jay totally knew what page i was looking at when i flipped to kristie's page.� i should have felt sheepish, but i guess i've been pretty open with how i sometimes get preoccupied with her.� i mean if there was one person that i could meet at the reunion, it would be her. i'm not sure if i'd want her to be the same or not, though.� i think if she was totally evolved and polished and serious, i'd be sad (because she used to be so cool).� but if she was actually the same as when i knew her, i'd still be sad (because i'm not with her).� ah.� enough!� basta! jay dragged me out on saturday afternoon to play some tennis.� i was really hesitant about it because i haven't hit a ball in the past four years.� in addition to kind of rust, i also played a lot of ping-pong back at teralogic, so that really fucked up my tennis stroke.� but i turned out that i wasn't as bad as i feared... i HATE sucking at a sport when others are better.� it makes me feel small.� and when it comes to tennis, a shitty player will send the ball flying all over the place, out of the court, into the net, etc. and you just wind up spending a lot of time picking up balls.� yuck. i had bulimic amounts of food saturday, too.� basically, i had a jamba juice and a burrito at 5pm, went home, napped for two hours, and went to have INDIAN food at 7:30.� damn.� i wish we had decided to eat indian food earlier so i could have prepared for the outing.� but instead, i had just one plate at this place called sneha (i usually eat at least two plates worth), and yacked in the bathroom.� the spicy shit came up through my nose, and it fucking hurt. i'm gonna stop stuffing myself.� like today... all i had for lunch was a whopper jr. and some mozarella sticks.� there.� see?� self-control means no barfing. my left eyelid is all fucked up now.� it's a little puffy because i have this nasty rash.� and what's really weird is that it's kind of swelling my left eye shut, so my eyes are all unbalanced.� you might not be able to tell because my glasses sort of de-enhance the effect, but... man.� it looks really odd when you do notice it. so i called up the dermatology department at my hospital, and i can't get an appointment until fucking DECEMBER.� what the hell is up with that?� *grumble* anyways... not much to report.� yesterday, i took sonya to the airport.� yup.� she's flying.� i think after driving to the airport and back, i somehow felt a little better about flying.� i mean, i've been checking my own flights every day, and when they're not cancelled, they make it in safely, so that's all good, right? you know what makes me sad?� all that anti-muslim anti-arab-looking backlash.� it pisses me off.� i don't know what i can do to help.� and that makes me feel futile. according to the reunion class book, a quarter of the people who responded to the survey are married.� one quarter.� i can't tell if that's too high or too low with respect to my expectations.� it's sad to think that statistics suggest that half of these couples will get divorced.� oh!� and one question in the survey asked how happy the people were with their spouses.� and i was really sad to find some really dissatisfied people.� shit.� wilted love.� so tragic. *shrug*� love just isn't what you think it will be a few years later, i guess.� it's the sad sad truth.� when i was with kristie, i was obssessed with knowing if we were "right" that i was paralyzed in expressing my emotions sometimes.� silly me.� don't let your own insecurities stunt your relationships, is all i can say. "winter must be cold for those with no warm memories..." |