| 21 sep 2001 it's SO psychological, this worrying. and i know where i get it from now. it's from my parents. my dad e-mailed me some story about his friend getting mugged at knifepoint in some posh new york hotel. and my mom says there's going to be a nuclear war or something. they are asking me to reconsider going. damn. all of this has just made me really upset and anxious. argh. ok. enough of that. i was talking to rahul earlier about how terrorism and stuff has made me really fearful of going out and stuff. well, it's not like i won't go out, but the thought that something horrible might happen is sometimes stuck in the back of my mind. so rahul got a little flustered and just said, "you [americans] are really insulated." or something to that effect. i guess when he lived in bombay, india, he was in the city when a lot of bombs were set off or something back in 1992. and he said that the next day, 92% of the workforce just went back to work as usual. it's not that he (they) are insensitive to the tragedies around them. it's just that they're more resilient than i am. i let fear rule me way too often. and i really believe that the reason why i am so consumed by fear is that i haven't made my peace with death. yeah. i'm afraid of death. every time i really think about it, i get freaked out. the thought of dying jolts me awake in a cold sweat sometimes when i'm trying to sleep. and i don't know how to fix it. i am afraid of not being... well, alive. not smiling or eating or loving or EVERYTHING. ok. i'll stop here. but that's the simple fact which ultimately makes me paranoid of everything... death scares the living shit out of me. ----- ok. back to the whole "having crushes on actresses" thing i was talking about yesterday... lan says: "it is unreal to deny your attraction to other people. but just because you're physically attracted doesn't mean anything." well said. any objections to that? my friend dj says: "dardy, your problem is not that you have obssessions with celebrities. it's that your taste in celebrities is clearly rotten." i laughed out loud at that one. heh. well, i admit that i do watch the WB a little too much... i mean, sometimes i feel a bit sheepish watching teen shows, but... *shrug* maybe i'm still a teenager at heart. i certainly still dress like one... did you hear that abercrombie is promoting another chain for its teenage clientele? it's called something like "hollister" or something. basically, they want their abercrombie & fitch stores to cater to collegiate folk, and because older people don't feel like buying their clothes with a bunch of kids, the company is trying to herd its 13-18 year olds to another brand. yup. there you go... corporate strategy! sigh. another friday. last night was cool... nothing big or fancy or anything... just a dinner (pho, my THIRD pho meal this week) with alan and jay, followed by boba afterwards in mountain view. i'm really excited that alan's girlfriend is moving from the city down to palo alto area, because that means alan will be around more often! yay! we were sitting outside the tea house drinking our drinks, and i was just thinking, "this is really really nice." and i was grateful that i wasn't in my tourette's funk that i was the last time i saw alan. i dunno. it probably doesn't sound very important, but my sanity is very precious to me. especially because i've experienced what it's like to be INsane. i'm starting to get more concerned about my bulimia. AND the fact that i eat a lot of spicy shit. you know that red hot sauce that you get at pho places? well, when i get my bowl of noodles, i start drawing circles with the hot sauce in my soup... and i draw TEN circles of it to make this red donut in my soup, and then i fill in the middle as well. it's pretty spicy. i don't drink all the soup at the end, though. but damn. with all that spicy stuff and all the acid coming up when i barf, i'm probably ripe for getting some gastro-esophageal hematoma melanoma infarction or some other crazy medical term that jay can recite. yup. the other day, i had FIVE krispy kreme donuts. four of them were jelly or cream filled. i had them in the span of about an hour and a half. and of course i yacked. why the fuck do i do this? argh. well, i did want to finish the donuts because they were getting stale... most of them were starting to get hard and dry. but you know what? the lemon filled one was really fresh! what the fuck? how does one donut out of a whole box of them stay fresh while the others dry out? i don't get it. ooh... *shiver* one more week, two more weekends, and one more day on top of that until i leave. i can't fucking wait. just can't. fucking. wait. how much more paranoia and parental admonitions and sleepless nights thinking about things must i endure... ack. patience! i really should get something to take my mind off of things. and i'm sad to say it might have to be work. as in work work. they want specs and documentation to be done by the end of the month, and seeing as i just got assigned my block two days ago, i have a shitload of work that has to be done before i leave. yup. have a great weekend, folks. i'll try to update at least one of next two days. |